


While You Were Sleeping

by CJLogan



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-10-04
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:42:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 74,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/942206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJLogan/pseuds/CJLogan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ and Emily cross a line that should never have been there in the first place. But when Emily comes back from the dead and that line is crossed once again, will JJ finally admit the truth or will she continue to live a lie?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing Criminal Minds related - Emily and JJ just get my muse riled up pretty nicely and I very much enjoy painting the vivid pictures that she creates in my mind so that others can enjoy them too. :)

 

* * *

**Chapter One: _Always_**

The gentle hum of the fan was driving her insane; the faint light of the moon shining in through the thin gap between deep blue curtains, even more so; and the desire to shake the life out of the snoring body beside her was overwhelming.

She wasn't usually this touchy, but then she wasn't usually this _frustrated_. This _lost_. This consumed, and overwhelmed, and yet utterly numb all at the same time.

Rolling from her side onto her back, JJ stared up at the ceiling, counted the imperfections and traced the lines in the gold trim. But those imperfections didn't serve as sheep to lull her to sleep, and those lines didn't lead her back to reality when the force of her helplessly wandering mind dragged her away. No, instead they guided her further into the dark, towards the crevices at the very back of her brain, to somewhere beyond the constant alertness of motherhood, somewhere beyond the relentless responsibility of a job that parts of her now wished that she had never applied for, somewhere that she hadn't been, hadn't dared to venture to in almost eight months; and yet for the past twelve hours memories had been pulling on her hand like an excited toddler, whining a constant nag of _This way! This way!_

_Her fingertips ghosted over tensed, white knuckles as she handed over the sealed manila envelope; that one simple gesture holding everything that she couldn't verbalise, everything that had been purposely ignored in favour of ignorance in the hours preceding that very moment. But as dark eyes swiftly diverted their gaze, as a soft, pale hand slid slowly, almost carefully, away, as a slim figure rose and turned her back; she swallowed away her tears and flirted with ignorance once more. Until.._

" _JJ.."_

_Glossy blue eyes darted up, almost hopefully, like she was longing for the next words to come out of Emily's mouth to be, "Just kidding! You remember that history of mine, the one that I kept secret for all these years, the one that is now controlling my future, our future, ripping me away from you and ensuring that anything we may or may not have had just.. doesn't matter anymore. Well, it was all a joke. Surprise! I can stay!"_

_But it wasn't that._

" _Don't contact me. Please. Please, do **not** contact me."_

_No, it wasn't even close to that._

_The lights of the city bounced off of Emily's silky, dark hair as she walked away, reflected back in the silent tears trickling down JJ's cheeks. And soon enough, she was gone; leaving nothing but her perfectly enunciated, excruciatingly painful parting words lingering in her mind._

_It was over before it had even begun._

She had stored that memory away a long time ago, forced herself to cut her losses, and adapted to the idea that her life was with Will - they had a child together; what could be more natural and perfect than that?

Of course, though, it hadn't been that simple. It had been far, far from simple to remind herself that she couldn't stay in Paris, there, at that very table, waiting for Emily to happen to walk by one day. It had been far from simple to board a flight back to the States and keep herself from pressing her face against the window, searching for the tiny ant-like figure on the ground thousands of feet below her that could, just maybe, be Emily. It had been far from simple to put on her best smile, greet Will as she returned home and pretend that the trip that she had just taken was simply boring and business related, and nothing at all to do with ripping out her own heart and throwing it to the wind like a used candy wrapper.

Actually, no, that part hadn't been so awful; that part had probably been the easiest, in all of this - because for all Will knew, her _best friend_ had just _died_ ; because he was a good man who brushed back her hair when he caught her crying in the kitchen and held her when he found her staring into nothing; because he was the caring type of guy who understood when she was closed off, silent, distant; because he loved her, and he was there. Right there. Not thousands of miles away pretending to be someone he wasn't.

But as this good man, who loved her, and cared for her, and comforted her, made love to her.. All simplicity was lost once again. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't hold back the tears. The missionary position was always a wonderful thing for that - with his face buried in her neck, he couldn't see the tears burning in her eyes; with his moans of pleasure filling the room, he couldn't hear the stray sob that escaped her lips for what it truly was; with his thrusting hips pushing himself inside her, he couldn't feel her body shake with the force of everything that she had lost, of everything that she never really had. And once he'd come inside her, after she'd found some semblance of strength to make some cringe worthy scene of just how much she had enjoyed those seven minutes of heaven like she had many, many times in the past; she'd roll over. Roll over, clutch a pillow to her chest and promise herself that tomorrow – _tomorrow will be the day that I pack up her things and move her to the back of my mind. Tomorrow._

But it didn't come tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week. It was months before she could finally say that it had stopped hurting so damn much, months before she could breathe a little easier, months before she had brainwashed herself into resignation; resignation to a new way of life. A life that, actually, wasn't new at all; a life that she had had long before Emily took over; a life that she had once been certain was everything that she wanted but just felt entirely foreign and uncomfortable to her now. But it _was_ a life, with _love_ , and it was far better than the pain that she felt each time Emily casually strolled through her mind, each time she flashed before her eyes like she was really there, each time she..

Her heart had stopped when Hotch spoke those magic words: _It's time._ Panic had set in: _No, why? Morgan may be able to break Doyle without her._ But it was no good.

It _was_ time.

It wasn't fair; none of it had been fair. She had left, and done so with the cruelest request on her perfect, crimson lips. It didn't matter that she herself had helped her to leave, it didn't matter that it wasn't Emily's choice, none of it mattered now.. It was the most difficult thing that she had ever had to simply be _okay_ with, and now she was just.. there. Home. Back where she belonged; back where she should have always been. Perhaps she was being selfish but, God, it wasn't fair.

She glanced over at the clock. 2:17 blurred from the small, black box, and she sighed, not for the first time that evening. In less than seven hours she was to appear on the stand and tell the whole court exactly why it was that their actions with Ian Doyle had been justified, exactly why it was that they had gone to the lengths that they had, exactly why it was that Emily damn Prentiss should be allowed to return to the team.

To her heart.

Why should she be allowed back into her heart? And actually, had she ever really left?

She couldn't help it as her eyes reverted back to the ceiling; her mind went _there_. To the hour prior to watching her lover disappear into the night, when they sat drinking coffee at a small café. To the thirty minutes prior to that, as they walked out of the quaint, hidden hotel, hand in hand. To the hour(s) prior to that, as her whole body thrust against the fingers inside her, as a hungry mouth sucked greedily at her clit, as she explored every inch of Emily damn Prentiss' body, as they explored each other; _as they said goodbye._

And there it was; one of the main reasons that she had had no choice but to hide Emily away in a locked cabinet in the most darkened corner of her mind – that familiar heat deep inside her that always brought with it such an overwhelming guilt and an instant pool of wetness between her thighs. She shook her head, as if that would remove the siren responsible for such stirrings. But it was too late.

Her guilty eyes fell helplessly again to the body beside her. He was a good guy, really. Actually, scratch that, he was the best; the best that she could ever have hoped for, and he'd given her the best thing that she had ever been able to truly call her own.

But quite simply.. he just wasn't _her_. He would never be her. _No one_ would ever be her.

Shifting slightly, she felt the comforter graze against her already hardened nipples through her thin t-shirt and her eyes fell closed as a whimper broke free from her lips. She should have been concerned for the sound, concerned that it would wake him but she was too hooked on the _feeling_. It felt so fucking amazing and so incredibly wrong all at the same time. Here she was, laid next to the father of her child, whilst excruciatingly wet from the thought of, not only another person, but another _woman_.

It _was_ wrong. Of course it was. She knew that, but all that knowledge really served to do was make the tingling between her thighs unbearably worse.

Accidentally on purpose.. she shifted once more, again feeling the delicious graze of weighted quilt against sensitive flesh - it was okay if it was _accidental_ , right?

The feeling was too much and yet, after a few more gentle shifts of her body, it was no longer enough. Instant replays of Emily kissing her, touching her, _fucking_ her, were plaguing her, and the feat of keeping her breathing to a regular pace, her slowly thrusting hips from waking the guy beside her, was proving to be an impossibility.

There was certainly no chance of sleep now.

But the remorse for that man beside her, the one who loved her, took care of her, seemed a whole world away now; fading somewhere behind lust and.. no, not love. Please not love. It wasn't love. Was it?

"Hmmm.." That mind shattering notion was abruptly ceased in the instant that her slowly creeping hand slipped beneath her shirt, across her stomach, to an aching nipple that just begged to be tugged. And sucked. And bitten. And.. _Emily.._

Her guilt was gone; it no longer existed. Nothing existed save for the nipples rolling between her fingers, the exquisite images of lust and sweat and thrusts and whimpers floating freely through the fog of her mind. Thank Christ that Will was a heavy sleeper. But even if he wasn't, would she really care? She was lost now, to a world of memory and fantasy..

" _Does that feel good, baby?"_

_The question was rhetorical, and even if it wasn't, she had lost all ability to form a coherent responsive sentence a long time ago. Long before this raven-haired goddess had begun teasing her with the promise of fulfillment; long before a skilled tongue had worked her to her first mind-blowing orgasm of the night; long before she had nervously but successfully coaxed Emily to come against her own mouth; and much, much longer before she had wound up in this position, her whole weight rested on her forearms and completely powerless to the woman behind her, just, just barely inside her._

_She mindlessly fisted the sheets beneath her palms, her forehead slumped forward against a pillow, her lips slightly parted as Emily, excruciatingly slowly, dipped the toy inside her once again. She couldn't see her face, but she was sure that the older woman was smiling; that smug, perfect grin of hers that only adorns her face when she knows that she's in control; when she knows that there's not a damn thing that JJ could do about it, even if she wanted to._

_And no matter the reason for that smile, JJ couldn't help but feel both sad and elated for it all at once, because soon enough it would be gone.._

It was that one all-consuming feeling that snapped her from her daydream; the one caused by a single digit that had wandered lower without her realising it and settled in a circling motion against her painfully aching clit. That one exquisite moment when you feel like you haven't been touched in months. Essentially, she hadn't. Not really. And now that she had it, that one fucking amazing second, she needed more. Much, much more.

" _Emily, please.." Emily loved to hear her beg, and JJ knew it. And if that's what it took to feel that cock so luxuriously deep inside her then beg she would. Oh man, she would beg. "I need you inside me, baby.." Her hips thrust back against Emily's not-so-little addition that, no matter how many times they used it, she couldn't seem to get enough. "Mmm.. please.. Please, baby, fuck me.." But everyone had their breaking point and hers was fast approaching. "God dammit, Emily, fuck me! Please just-"_

_Her pussy was filled and stretched in one agonizingly divine, deep stroke and her face smashed further into the pillow, the feathers absorbing a sound that fell somewhere almost primal._

She couldn't help it. Two fingers plunged deep inside her oh so needy pussy before she could even recognize the very real, very present day sound that such an invasion caused, before she could even recognize the bed stirring slightly beside her..

" _Oh, God, baby. Oh that's it." Her words sent Emily into a frenzy, and she quickened her pace, thrusting deeper each time. "Oh fuck.. Oh don't stop fucking me. Please don't stop fucking me."_

She added a third finger, thrusting with concern for nothing but the release that she so desperately craved, the release that was so damn close..

_Emily pulled her up to her knees with an arm across her lower stomach and pressed herself firmly into her back; the toy still buried deep inside her. Skilled fingers alternated between pulling and pinching her hardened nipples whilst one remained at a slightly protruding hip; perfect leverage to fuck her deeper than she ever had._

" _You're so fucking beautiful when you're whimpering like that.." Emily whispered into JJ's ear. "So fucking sexy.."_

JJ reached one hand above her head, gripping the pillow beneath her tight as the other thrust inside her; she was getting close. Oh so close.

_Her hand reached up and grabbed a fistful of soft, raven hair, twisting it between her fingers as Emily fucked her relentlessly and yet almost.. **lovingly**._

_"Faster baby.. please. I can take it."_

"Jayje.."

Her eyes shot open, her fingers stopping instantly, her whole body freezing to the point where she wasn't even breathing anymore, and she had absolutely no words when Will rolled over to face her and spoke again.

"Oh, chere.. you should have said something. I would have been happy to help." He smiled that loving smile of his, his cock already hard against her thigh as he stroked his thumb over JJ's cheek and studied the clear arousal he found in dark blue eyes. "Would you.. like me to help? Would you like me to fuck you, baby?"

 _No. I would like **her** to fuck me. Oh god, I **need** her to fuck me. _ "Yes.." She whispered. It wasn't her, but it was far better than her own fingers. Shoving back the covers, pushing the crotch of her panties to the side, JJ parted her thighs for Will to enter her, to fuck her back to ignorance, and with a dishonest innocence in her voice, she begged. "Please baby.. please fuck me.."

But ignorance wasn't what she found when his cock penetrated her, or when he picked up an instant fast, thrusting rhythm, or when he groaned and whimpered and told her how close he already was, or when she wrapped her arms purposely around his neck and held him close to her to hide her own face…

She found her. She searched, and as always, she found her.

_"Faster? I can do faster.." Emily whispered directly into her ear. "I can do deeper, too.." She added as she pressed her hand into JJ's lower back, causing the blonde to arch a little and impale herself further on her cock._

_"Unnnnghh.. Oh God yes.. Oh fuck, Emily.."_

"You close, baby?" Will grunted. "Fuck, I'm close. So close."

She pressed her hand to her mouth to silence the guilty sob that fell without permission as her hips mindlessly met Will's thrust for thrust, but she couldn't ignore the fact that she was indeed close, so fucking close, to an almighty climax, a release that she already hated herself for.

_Emily quickened her pace._

Will quickened his pace.

_Emily moaned directly into her ear._

Will grunted directly into her ear.

_Emily's hips thrust one last, beautifully deep time into her._

Will thrust inside her, holding himself there, as deep as physically possible as stream after hot stream of his release filled her.

_As she shook violently with the force of her orgasm, wave upon wave of pleasure gushing through her as lights flashed behind her eye lids, her own heartbeat hammering in her ears, Emily held her tight. As her breathing stopped completely, as her movements slowed to fluid rhythm, as her fingers dug into the skin beneath them, Emily moved with her. And as she finally floated back to reality, Emily spoke softly, honestly, sincerely. "Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer. Y yo soy siempre tuyo."_

And then it came; the almighty release that she had been craving. Craving not only all night, but the whole time since she had last felt Emily inside her, against her. Since she had last felt her touch, her kiss; the softness of her white as snow skin, and the safety of her arms.

And as Will moved his hips in a few more gentle thrusts, she felt the last of his release spurting out of him as her muscles clenched sporadically around his now satiated cock, and the tears came; silently, but flowing with much the same freedom as the come between her thighs. They stung her eyes and almost burnt as they left tracks against her flushed cheeks, and as Will withdrew, she rolled over, clutched a pillow tight to her chest and promised:

"Always."

 

* * *

**Author's Note:** Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer. Y yo soy siempre tuyo. = You will always be mine, Jennifer. And I am forever yours.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: _My Girl_**

She was right by her side as Strauss delivered the good news; _Suspension is lifted for everyone. There may be more paperwork considering your.. situation, but the team is lucky to have you. If you're interested._ A small smile even crept over her glossy, pink lips as Emily accepted the offer; _I'm in._

But as, one by one, each member of the team filtered out of the room, she was no longer by her side, no longer smiling; she was simply staring.

She just _stared_.

Hesitant, soft brown eyes dared to meet that stare for the first time since they had nervously bypassed the blonde two days ago. It was time. "JJ.."

She unfolded her arms, her expressionless face giving nothing away as she walked towards the woman who had abandoned her eight months ago; a determination in her step that she should have recognized but the sharp piercing sound was as much as shock to her as it was to Emily.

The sting of an open palm meeting her cheek almost winded her and her typically calm, collected nature abandoned her for just a second. "What the fuck, JJ? What the _fuck_ was that for?"

And then she broke. JJ, quite simply, broke. Her emotionless face fell, just like the tears and sobs that were now pouring freely from shining blue eyes. But when Emily reached out to comfort her, something that she had longed for for months, she didn't hesitate to push her away. "No!" She almost yelled as she swiped the tears from her flushed cheeks. "No. You do not get to do that. Not anymore."

"Jayje.. You _know_ that I didn't have a choice." Emily reasoned, her hands out in front of her and that empathetic expression on her face that she typically gets when trying to depict sincerity. "You _know_ I would have stayed if I could. You know.." Emily paused, that sincere expression changing to one of uncertainty as she realised.. "Don't you? Please tell me that you _know_ that, JJ."

JJ shrugged. "I duno, Emily. You tell me. Wasn't it you who told me not to contact you? Wasn't it you who managed to trivialize everything between us in the space of two shorts seconds? Wasn't it you who got inside my head, fucked with me," She looked around the room for the first time, only just finding concern for who may be listening before she lowered her voice, " _fucked me_ , ruined me.. and then abandoned me?"

"Jennifer.."

"Don't call me that." Her still teary eyes shot back to Emily's, her jaw locked. "You no longer have that right."

"Don't you get it?" Emily threw up her hands, frustrated, her raven-haired head shaking in disbelief. "Don't you understand? Don't you understand why I told you not to contact me?"

"Because you no longer had use for me?" JJ scoffed and turned to walk away, but a firm grip at her wrist stopped her.

"No." Emily spat angrily. "No. _You_ don't get to do that. _You_ don't get to act like I had any choice whatsoever in this, and _you_ don't get to make out like it was easy for me. It _wasn't_ easy for me! It was the hardest damn thing that I have ever done in my life and I knew, I _knew_ , that it would be even more unbearable if I could hear your voice every day. If I had that option."

JJ's features softened as a new wave of tears pricked at her eyes, her voice dropping almost to a whimper. "But wasn't I _worth_ that pain?"

"Was _I_ worth that pain?" Emily shot back, continuing when JJ's confusion became apparent. "I had no idea when I could come back JJ, come home. If I ever could at all. How could I keep you hanging on like that when there was a very real possibility that all I could ever be to you was a memory?"

JJ had no words, none that seemed worth saying, none that mattered. What she did have though, was one burning question. "And now?"

Emily watched the younger woman for a moment; took in the truly breathtaking sight that was Jennifer Jareau – the truly breathtaking sight that she had only been permitted to visualize in memory for the past eight months. "And now.."

She'd grabbed JJ's upper arm and pulled her close before she could even question her clearly impaired judgment; crushed her lips against ones as soft as silk before she could recognize that she was putting their job, her job, the one that she had only just gotten back, in jeopardy; but the point where she finally did recognise that concern coincided exactly with the moment that JJ kissed back, pushed back, whimpered back and the thought was banished before it was even complete.

"Oh god I've missed you so damn much." Emily spoke breathlessly as she pushed JJ back towards the round table; the one that saw images of brutal rapes, murders, torture every single day but now.. well, now it was going to see something really, truly beautiful. "I missed your lips.." Unable to resist, she pressed her lips back to ones as sweet as honey. "Oh god, I missed your lips."

A grey, pencil-skirt was bunched up around stocking-clad thighs, a perfectly plump arse was forced upon a mahogany table, and toned legs parted, almost desperately, as JJ implored, "Emily please.. Please touch me."

And oh, did she ever.

**CM-CM-CM**

Glittery, pink-tipped fingers tapped feverishly at the keys beneath them as almost smiling lips, a much brighter shade of pink, hummed what sounded like a made up tune, until she clearly came to hear favourite part and, arms now wide open, belted out..

"You've got so much love in yooou! You've got sooo much love in you. I'm amazed that I'm talking to you! You look like.." But then, out of the sides of her twinkling blue frames, she saw it. Penelope Garcia had seen many things in her time but, wow.. "..holy fuckballs."

Now, aside from that one time in college that every girl in the universe seems to have experienced, Garcia had naturally considered herself to be wholly and completely, 100% straight – the perfectly sculpted chest of Derek Morgan was far too tempting for her to turn to the darker side of the rainbow. But this sight in front of her - the one with raven hair contrasting exquisitely with golden locks as crimson lips dragged over tan skin; the one with gasping pink lips forming a perfect O as clearly skilled fingers disappeared between open thighs – well, that one was a game changer and even rivaled the morning that she awoke to her chocolate Adonis, wet and shiny from his shower, standing before her in nothing but a towel.

It took a good fifteen seconds of blatant staring before she remembered something, something strong enough to tear her eyes away. _Shit!_ She cursed to herself as she turned quickly to another screen, opened a separate window and began typing faster than she had ever typed in her life. _Shit! Shit! Shit!_

And then, for one second, as the security camera in the conference room found itself "temporarily down for maintenance" she breathed; a sigh of relief for her friends who, she promised in that moment, were going to get both a stern talking to and a congratulatory pat on the back for managing to keep this little love affair from her.

And then..

"Oh.." On the furthermost screen to her right, the image adorning it told her that things were about to get really, incredibly ugly, really, incredibly fast. "Oh no.."

She burst out of her lair like a bat out of hell, just managing to catch Will as Rossi nodded towards the conference room and indicated that that's where he could find the mother of his child. The mother of his child with Emily's face between her thighs, the mother of his child with an image of pure ecstasy painted across her innocent, baby face, the mother of his child who, if Emily was as skilled as Garcia had just seen her to be, was probably fast approaching the most intense orgasm of her life..

"Will!" She yelled, almost like the guy was her best friend, almost like she hadn't seen him in months when actually, she had seen him just that morning at the courthouse. And she flung her arms around him, gripping on uncomfortably tight, so tight that he was lucky that he didn't black out – but considering what he was about to walk into, that may not have been a bad thing.

"Uh.. Hey, Garcia." He spoke with a laugh in his soft, Southern drawl, coughing a little and holding his fist to his chest when she finally let him go. "I'm just bringing Henry by to see JJ before we head to my mom's for the weekend."

"Oh well, you know, my handsome little crawfish, I have absolutely no idea where she is. Perhaps we could-"

"Ah that's okay, Garcia." He smiled, speaking again before turning to leave. "Dave already told me where to find her."

"Wait, Will, uh.."

"I really, really should get this little guy to JJ so she can say goodbye. We have to leave by noon if we wana catch our flight. If we miss it, my dear ma will make sure I never hear the end of it."

He smiled again; that genuine, warming smile that actually caused her heart to crack in two. Poor guy.. But he was insistent, so reluctantly, she let him go; let him walk into a situation that would change his entire, perfect, white picket-fence life as he knew it. But not before..

"Will." She could see that he was growing frustrated. Of course, he was hiding it well, but he was definitely growing frustrated. "I have something to show Henry. How about I take him and you bring JJ down to my office to say her goodbyes." The poor kid did not need to see his mommy in such an undignified position, and he certainly didn't need to see the apocalypse that was about to occur.

"Uh.. sure." Will smiled and Henry had already let go of his hand and jumped up into the bubbly woman's arms long before he had given his permission. "You be good, Henry. I will be right back with mommy."

 _I wouldn't be so sure of that.._ She sighed as she watched Will walk away, before turning to Henry's bright, blue eyes and smiling. "Is it time for chocolate? Aunt Penny definitely thinks it's time for chocolate."

**CM-CM-CM**

"Mmmm…" Her small hand pressed hard against Emily's head, gripped fiercely at raven hair as the older woman did _incredible_ things to her pussy; as a skilled tongue twisted and curled against her engorged clit, as three fingers stretched her, one of which was rubbing in perfect unison at that mind-fucking, earth shattering spot somewhere deep inside her. "Oh God, don't stop, Emily. I'm so close.."

"How close?" Emily peered up at JJ, smiling as the blonde's juices glistened around her ever-inviting lips, her fingers still keeping up steady pace. "How close are you?"

" _So_ close.."

"Oh yeah?" She whispered before she ran her tongue along the blonde's inner thigh, her eyes still peering up at JJ as she teased. "You think you can come with just my fingers inside you?" Her lips pressed in one long, open-mouthed kiss against JJ's clit. "Or do you need my hot, wet mouth sucking and licking your needy clit?"

JJ all but came there and then. There was nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, in this entire world, that was hotter than Emily Prentiss' perfectly enunciated dirty talk. Nothing. She often wondered how someone so sophisticated, so proper, could have learnt such language, but then another mind-blowing orgasm would rip through her and she'd forget that she had ever even thought such a thing.

"Just your fingers.. Oh fuck," She gasped as those fingers rubbed a little faster inside her. "Just your fingers. But don't stop looking up at me like that. It's so.. Oh god it's so.." Those fingers rubbed faster still. "Unnngh.. it's so fucking hot."

"Mmmm.." Emily's left hand gripped tighter at a hip bone beneath JJ's skirt as her lips pressed to an inner thigh once again, though her eyes stayed exactly where the blonde had requested them to be. "It seems that my girl is quite the exhibitionist."

"You have no idea.." JJ thrust her hips against Emily's fingers as her own curled around the lip of the table, almost struggling to keep up with the fast pace but she was nothing if not determined.

"That's so fucking hot. Tell me Jennifer.." Emily shifted forward on her knees to wrap her left arm around JJ's lower back and pull her closer as she thrust, and thrust, and thrust. "Did you fantasise about me watching you come while I was gone?"

Bad move. Totally the wrong fucking thing to say.

Suddenly the world stopped. Suddenly everything stopped, and with a shove of her hand as she pushed Emily away, she cut off the brunette's untypically stuttering apology before it left her lips; blinked her eyes several times as she frowned in hurt and contemplation; brushed down her skirt and slipped from the table as Emily, still on her knees, stared up at her with eyes that were saying something that didn't quite make it to her lips.

But then it came; a gentle knock at the door, a loving, smiling face peering through the glass, and as Will walked in - completely unaware of what he had just interrupted - JJ shot almost accusatory eyes back to Emily who was still kneeling on the floor before her. "Did you find it?"

 _Did I find **what**?_ Emily silently questioned as she quickly but subtly wiped JJ's juices from her chin.

 _The self-assurance that you're clearly looking for. The confirmation that I cared enough for you to be able to hurt me.. hurt me like you had intended to._ "Your phone? The one you misplaced?"

It wasn't the reason that she had taken the career path that she had, but the acting skills that it was providing her with in this very moment were certainly proving themselves useful. "No.." She sighed as she pressed her hands to her knees, looked down at the ground one more time as if conducting a last quick search for the missing phone - but was actually searching for the courage that she needed to face the man whose wife had just very nearly come against her fingertips - before pushing herself to her feet. "I must have left it in my car. Or perhaps the courthouse. I'm sure I'll find it."

"Hey, Jayje.. She's as bad as me!" Will grinned, almost proud, before looking to Emily with a shrug. "I'm always losing stuff."

The irony of his last sentence almost choked her and the look on JJ's face told Emily that she'd made the connection too. Though, if the last thirty seconds was anything to go by, she wasn't certain that he had indeed lost his girlfriend.. she wasn't even certain that his girlfriend would ever talk to her again. She had been silent for far, far too long and she was grateful when Will spoke again.

"Anyway, I'm sure you two have a ton to catch up on. But you girls have the whole weekend to yourselves-"

 _Oh god, please stop._ Emily looked away, masking her guilt as Will unknowingly said the wrong thing once again.

"-and Henry and I need to catch our flight soon."

JJ's eyes quickly widened in panic at a sudden realisation. "Where _is_ Henry?" It wasn't like he would have seen anything, but if the young three year old was anything like her – something that he was proving to be – then he would have seen everything that Will was missing. Aside from serial killers, children actually made the best profilers; something about seeing the world through totally innocent eyes made that world a whole lot clearer, even when people tried so desperately to hide.

"He's with Garcia. She wanted to show him somethin'. I dread to think what that somethin' is considering how strange she was acting but I'm sure it falls somewhere between piles upon piles of candy that will make sure our two hour flight is going to be an exhausting one."

 _Garcia was acting strange?_ Each woman thought in unison, before, almost exactly at the same moment, coming to the very same conclusion; their eyes meeting nervously. _She knows.._

Will leant against the door frame hiding his impatience; he had too much respect for women engrained into him to hurry JJ along again, and too, he knew how much his wife had missed Emily during the time that she was certain she was dead, just like he knew that they had so many things to work out in order to fix their relationship. But what he didn't know, was that those things fell very short of anything that he could ever assume them to be.

JJ gave one last glance to Emily before she straightened her back, turned to Will with a smile and spoke - "Let's go find that sugared-up son of ours." – all the while, the words, _my girl, my girl, my girl_ , ringing through her chaotic mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: _The Lost Panties_**

"I do not think so." Garcia interjected as JJ waved her last goodbye to her boyfriend and son as they disappeared behind the closing doors of the elevator, and began to move towards to her desk. "You are coming with me, my beautiful little Lothario."

It always astounded JJ how Garcia could make even the meanest nicknames sound so cute and loving – but that astonishment was easily overridden by an uncertainty. She was either about to get a lecture that she didn't need, or an encouragement that she didn't want – neither was a fun prospect. "Garcia, I-"

Lowering her voice, Garcia gave incentive. "I can turn on the CCTV just as easily as I turned it off, which I'm sure you wouldn't want to happen before you have chance to run back and collect the panties that you left on the floor beneath the conference table."

JJ's eyes widened slightly, but she resisted the urge to look around the room nervously and give away any unnecessary information to the abundance of profilers surrounding her. "How did you.."

"Oh I didn't for sure." Garcia began with a smile, her voice still no more than a whisper as she linked her arm with JJ's and the pair walked the corridors back to her lair. "But, I saw, in all it's _beautiful_ glory, the attention that your lady garden received in the past thirty minutes, and combining that with the way you've been walking for the past ten minutes, I just assumed.."

JJ cringed, unconsciously clenching her thighs together as she walked and hoped beyond hope that no one would find her panties before she herself could find the courage to head back to the conference room.

"So-"

It was only one word, but it caused her face to scrunch up into such a painful contortion of conflict and confusion as she plonked herself down on a chair opposite an expectant Garcia.

"-Emily Prentiss, eh?" Garcia cocked her head to the side, her bright eyes staring off into the distance as she remembered the delightful images that had graced one of her many screens just thirty minutes ago. "Perhaps Lothario was unfair. Is _she_ the Lothario and you're simply another-"

"No." Her flashing eyes depicted her distaste at such a notion far more than the firm word itself. She couldn't bring herself to even entertain the possibility that she was simply another nothing to Emily, not after.. not after everything. And not even when such a huge part of her was now certain that all Emily had really needed was the knowledge that she had gotten under skin, the certainty that she had tricked her just enough to fall for her charismatic charm. "No, Garcia."

"Then.."

"Then.." Then what? What _was_ she? What, indeed, were _they_? "I.. I don't know." Her features softened and tears became visible in her fearful, bright blue eyes. "I really don't know."

"Oh, sugar plum.." The bubbly woman scooted her chair forward until she was able to take JJ's hands in her own. "It's okay if she tricked you, ya know. Perhaps this was her fault and maybe she charmed you enough to convince you that maybe, just maybe you were gay and-"

"No!-"

 _I really should've been a profiler_ , Garcia almost smirked to herself. No part of her believed that Emily had such a malicious bone anywhere in her goddess-like body, but she had to break JJ away from fear and push her in the direction of the clarity that she was certain the younger woman was purposely avoiding.

"-You have no idea, Garcia. No f-"

"The only reason I remember the exact year," Garcia casually cut off a rather confused JJ. "is because it was my second year of college. Not because of what happened, not because of that at all. I mean, the sex was pretty great. You never really can beat having sex with someone who, by default, knows your body just as well as you do but.. It was a one time deal." She shrugged. "I knew I wasn't gay, even when we were together, and there was no pretense about that so it never happened again."

" _You_ had _sex_ with a _woman_?" JJ asked, almost accusatory.

"Really? _You're_ shocked?" Garcia raised an eyebrow. "Oh please, sweetie. You're as straight as they come and yet wasn't it you who I just witnessed in all your euphoric glory with Emily's fingers inside you?"

JJ cringed at Garcia's crude description of what had just happened and managed to utter a feeble, "Sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry, honey. I want you to see my point.." Her wise eyes searched JJ's. "I had sex with a woman one time, and it never happened again because, well, I had no desire for it to happen again. Because I'm wholly straight. You.. Well. Unless you can honestly tell me that that is the first time it happened and the thought of it happening again does absolutely nothing for you, then I think this issue is far bigger than you cheating on Will."

The hurt JJ felt at Garcia's last statement was blatantly apparent, but how could she protest when it was true? She couldn't, but even she was shocked at the truths that left her lips. "It came so easy. It all did. It was like.. well, it was like the first time with a guy only.. Only she was softer, her skin was softer, her lips were softer, her.." JJ's eyes stared off into the distant corner of the darkened room. "It was just softer. And easy. And.. terrifying but.. so, so _easy_. Almost natural. You'd think it wouldn't have been given that I've only ever been intimate with guys but it really was."

"So it isn't the first time it happened?" Garcia questioned softly, just barely containing her excitement for story time.

"No.." JJ replied with an almost vacant smile playing against her lips.

**Fourteen Months ago: Somewhere outside of Chicago:**

" _I'm pretty sure this wasn't what Hotch had in mind when he said we should spend the night unwinding!" Emily yelled over the booming music with a laugh as JJ dragged her over to the bar to order another round. "And I'm also pretty certain that he doesn't want two highly hung over agents on his hands on the flight back tomorrow."_

_If she'd heard her, she made no attempts to acknowledge the words. "Here." She handed the taller woman a shot of some kind of Kermit green liquid and raised her own in the air. "To.. another victory. To the lives we **do** save. To.. to us."_

" _To.." Emily murmured softly, her heart twisting in knots at the prospect of saying such a thing. "To us.."_

_A small hand reached over the bar at the very point that Emily tilted her head back to down the shot, dumped the contents of her own drink into the small sink and returned just in time to make some mock expression and sound of disgust. "Wow.."_

" _What the hell **was** that?" Emily laughed, completely unaware that whilst she was feeling the heavy buzz of three strongly laced toxins; her blonde counterpart was feeling none of that but something else entirely: curiousity._

" _Come on!"_

_A gentle hand grasped with her own, her mumbling protests of, "I don't dance," disappearing somewhere against JJ's back as the smaller woman dragged her into a growing crowd of people._

" _I-I think I need to go sit down.." The subtly begging words left her lips as soon as the blonde's suddenly close, **very** close proximity caused her to bite down on her own lip; a silent punishment for all the thoughts running through her mind; a silent reminder of the convictions that were crumbling before her very eyes._

" _No you don't." JJ smiled, finding something strangely enjoyable in watching Emily Prentiss squirm, but that amusement shifted abruptly when she realised that her eyes, her very own eyes, had wandered a little too far - from that gentle curve of a strong cheekbone to crimson painted lips – and had not only wandered, but settled firmly, refusing to budge. Which is why, when Emily made some faint protests once again, all she could mutter was the same three words. "No you don't."_

" _I hate you so much."_

_The breathy, almost nervous words were enough to snap her eyes away and she recognised a look on the older woman's face that, for the first time, filled her with a hope that she didn't actually recognize at all. What was she hopeful for? But with a gentle smile, JJ whispered purposely once again, like it was the only phrase she knew. "No you don't."_

_Emily opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by a quick kiss upon her cheek and a blonde temptress bouncing away and for a moment, she just stood there very still, uncertain as to whether she was supposed to follow JJ or just.. she had no clue._

"Oh, I remember that night! Oh my god!" Garcia spoke and then yelled as she realized that, since they had needed her for that particular case, she had actually been there and yet she had seen absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Of course, it was also the same night that a particularly handsome waiter had been showering her with free cocktails – why would she have noticed anything beyond his soft wavy hair and beautiful hazel eyes? "So, what? You guys got back to the hotel room and just couldn't keep your hands off of each other?" Garcia lowered her voice an octave before squealing like a girl. "That is so cliché and yet so.. ooo!"

"No.." JJ cocked her head to the side, a smile still playing against her lips that really shouldn't have been there considering the circumstances. "That was one of the few times that we each had our own room on a case, and.." Her mind wandered, realizing that maybe, just maybe, she truly had been disappointed even back then to realise that she wouldn't get to share such a small space with Emily. "Just, no.."

"Then what?" Garcia questioned, somewhat disappointed. "Oo! Was it on the flight home?" She jabbed JJ in the side before almost singing. "Plane sex is really haw-awttttt!"

"I'm not sure I want to know how you know that.." The blonde laughed, wriggling away from Garcia whilst she mindlessly searched for the memory, the point where everything had changed so much. "No it.. It was months after that, actually. We were in Colorado for a conference with Reid. He wanted to use us as his test subjects or something.. Something about women in a man's world." JJ both rolled her eyes and smiled at the young doctor's innocence. "Anyway, so, to cut a long story short, I was having a dream about Will. I was saying goodbye to him and leant in to kiss him but.. Um.. But in reality, in real, non-dream life.. I.. I actually kissed Emily."

"Pahhahaha!" Garcia couldn't help but laugh; only JJ could cheat on someone _genuinely_ accidentally. "Oh but.. so it _did_ happen in a hotel room?

"Noo." JJ laughed, though her mind was playing over the irony of what she had just told Garcia. She hadn't thought of it until now, but maybe, if she had realized back then that that dream-spoken goodbye was to be the foundation for the next eleven months of her life, she might have gone about things differently. Maybe.. "Um.. no. The next day. We landed back in DC and I gave Emily a ride home because, in her words, her car had _taken a shit_." JJ couldn't help but giggle with Garcia at the typically proper Emily saying such a common thing. "We rode in almost silence, but when I pulled up outside her condo, she broke the silence and.."

**Eleven Months Ago: Somewhere in DC:**

_The small white SUV came to an all too sudden and yet not soon enough stand still outside of Emily's building._

_Emily's mind was like a damn tornado. Thanks to the abrupt yet gentle wake-up call in the very early hours of that morning, she had had about three hours of sleep, and thanks to the blonde woman next to her who refused to even look at her, she had been helpless to the constant reply of such a wake-up call and the abundance of questions and possibilities that it seemed to have awoken within her. She was almost, almost, certain that the eyes that she had met shortly after soft lips had brushed against her own very early that morning were in no way regretful; and the fact that those eyes had closed softly, those lips had kept moving long after they were both awake and knew what was happening, told her that maybe, just maybe, the whole encounter wasn't remembered solely with regret but possibly too, the same longing that she felt in her own chest. That she had always felt. So, there was absolutely no way that she was getting out of this car; because she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that once this door was closed, it would be closed to her forever._

" _Jennifer, look at me." Emily quickly removed her seatbelt and turned fully to face JJ whose white-knuckled hands gripped the steering wheel._

" _Please don't, Emily." JJ begged softly. "Please don't do this. **Please** just forget it."_

" _I will. I really will." And she really would have done, too. "If you just do one thing for me.."_

_Curious, nervous eyes finally turned, finally met Emily's as she stuttered. "W-what?"_

" _Kiss me again." She saw JJ's shaking head snap away, and she spoke again quickly before the blonde had chance to yell at her to get out of her car. "JJ, I need you to kiss me again and tell me that you feel nothing.. I need that. And I need that because I.." Should she really finish that sentence?_

_JJ couldn't help but want to hear the rest. "Because you what, Emily?"_

" _Because I've.. Because I've always wanted you.." She spoke almost regretfully. "Because.. because I've always been able to tell myself that I have absolutely no chance with you but now, after.. I can't do that anymore. And so.. so I need you to kiss me, properly kiss me, and then I need you to tell me that you felt nothing. That you **feel** nothing."_

" _I.."_

" _Please." Emily shifted forward, almost desperately. "Please JJ. I will do everything, all you need to do is.. kiss me like you mean it."_

_The desperation in Emily's eyes was something that she had only seen one other time - three months ago when she begged for permission to leave that dance floor – and she agreed before she could even really think about the consequences. "Okay.."_

" _O-okay.." Emily stuttered, nervous despite having been granted her wish._

_Her tongue unconsciously slipped out, grazed over her own lips as she shifted closer, her head dropping momentarily. She felt so pathetic; she had kissed people before, many, many people and yet, in that moment, she felt like a teenager who had never kissed anyone other than her gran on the cheek at Christmas. But then it happened.. small hands fell from the steering wheel they were clinging so desperately to, trailed slowly up her arm and settled. Settled against her cheek, stroking tentatively over the skin there, before lips, softer than she remembered them from her hazy, sleepy state that morning, glided against her own; warm and welcoming, healing and forgiving. Until.._

" _I can't."_

_The kiss broke suddenly, two words laced in a gasp filled the air and her own heart sank; it was over long before it should have been. "Just tell me, JJ. Please. Please tell me that you didn't feel anything. That you.. that you don't feel anything."_

" _I can't, Emily." Her hands were back at the steering wheel, her conflicted eyes staring out to the darkened road._

" _Please.." The sound that accompanied that one word was quite simply, not Emily. Emily was strong and hella confident but right in that moment she just.. wasn't._

" _I'm not a cheater, Emily." JJ, jaw locked, turned just her eyes to face Emily. "And I'm also not a liar."_

" _But you don't have to lie to him, Jayje." Emily reasoned. "I'm not asking you to lie to him.. You can tell him, tell him what just happened, tell him that I made you if you need to I just.. **I** need you tell me, with your own words, that you feel nothing."_

_'You totally missed my point' **..** JJ shook her head and looked away again._

" _Forget it." Emily scoffed impatiently, hurt causing her natural defenses to kick in very abruptly. "I have no idea why you can't just give me that one thing when you're the damn reason that my apparently infamous compartmentalization skills are fucked in the first place." Climbing out of the car, she poked her head back inside and spoke again before slamming the door behind her. "Just.. forget it."_

_Two visible jumps came from a small, blonde body - the one caused by the ricocheting slam of a door, and the one caused by the shrilly ringing phone somewhere on the back seat – and it took her a moment to recognize either._

_Fumbling around in her purse, JJ answered the phone without checking the caller ID - "Jareau." – and slumped in her seat as Will's loving voice came over the line, asking in such a sweet tone whether she'd be home soon because he'd started dinner. She paused for a moment, the instant word on her lips yes, but when it left those lips, it came out rather different than it had first appeared in her mind. "Uh, I'm probably gona be a while. We have paperwork to wrap up from this last case."_

_He hid his disappointment well, but she knew that it was there; intricately laced with love and trust that she didn't deserve – but as she ended the call, climbed out of the vehicle and headed determined towards Emily's building, that disappointment erased itself from her lust-driven mind._

JJ looked at Garcia like she was done, like that was the end of the story..

"What.. are you serious? Oh, come on.. I didn't listen to all the pointless details you just gave me to then miss out on the good stuff." Placing a hand on her hip, Garcia demanded. "Spill."

And with a groan, she spilled..

_The door abruptly swinging open, almost like she'd forgotten that she'd even knocked, scared the crap out of her, but the words came instantly. "I mean I can't lie to **you**."_

" _Wha.." Emily questioned confused and somewhat pissed off as the blonde barged by her._

" _I can't cheat on Will but I can't tell you that I don't feel anything when I do and-" JJ almost yelled at the ground beneath her feet; perhaps if she didn't look at Emily whilst she was essentially ripping out Will's heart, then it wouldn't count. "-I'm not a cheater but I can't. I **can't**. God dammit, I can't Emily. I can't lie to you."_

" _Then.." Emily whispered as she stepped forward._

" _Then.." The almost silently thudding feet approaching her startled her and eased her all at once. "Then.." She finally looked up, her eyes a whole shade darker and her heart picking up a beat in her ears when she realized that Emily was stood directly in front of her. "Then.."_

" _Then.." Emily whispered again as she tucked JJ's blonde hair behind her ear. "Which one wins, JJ?" Using both hands, she brushed golden tresses away from slim shoulders and with one open palm pressed her hand directly against JJ's heart. "Are you a cheater, or are you a liar?"_

_The brutally honest question should have hurt, but it didn't. That, though, may have had something to do with the soft lips that pressed directly against the top of her breast through a button-up shirt, or the thumbs that brushed dangerously low on her stomach, or the further question that answered the first._

" _Do you want me to stop, JJ?" It was a fair question, but when asked whilst tempting fingers were already working on the buttons of a silk, blue shirt, it really wasn't fair at all. And when that shirt was finally released and those fingers dipped under the cup of a lace bra to tease at the nipple hardening quickly beneath them, it lost all fairness entirely. "Tell me to stop, JJ."_

" _St.." The almost word started in her brain but dissipated somewhere on her tongue until all that passed her lips was little more than an appreciative sigh._

" _Tell me.." Fingers worked at a belt, a button, a zipper. "Tell me, JJ.." One arm snaked around a slim waist, another dipping into the front of blue jeans and stroking purposely against already soaked panties as dark eyes stared directly into lust-hazed blue. "Tell me you don't want this.."_

" _St.." The broken word came once again, only this time it fell as a whimper as she felt the pressure between her thighs. It felt so exquisitely, incredibly, dangerously fucking amazing and placed her directly in the centre of guilt and desire with a complete uncertainty of which way to run. "Sto.."_

" _Say it, Jayje.." Two fingers rubbed against a still dampening slit over silk panties; but the other arm was gone, the one holding JJ to her and in it's place was the firm wall of her hallway. "Say it.." She kissed and nipped and licked her way from JJ's ear lobe to her collarbone, from her upper chest to the top of her breast once again; her fingers pressing a little firmer as she hissed. "Tell me you don't want me to fuck you.."_

_She wasn't sure why, but hearing Emily imploring her to tell her to stop only made her wetter. Perhaps it was the knowledge that, whilst she was telling the brunette to stop; this technically wasn't her fault, technically wasn't her doing. She was certain that Emily knew that too, certain that that was the reason that she was even repeating the command in the first place, and she found herself strangely grateful. So she played along, played this game to a perfection._

" _I don't.." She whimpered, but her feet began a slow, somewhat difficult walk to Emily's bedroom nonetheless. "Stop.." She whispered, and yet that one word was followed by a kiss that could bruise. "Please Emily.." She begged, but as soon as Emily's bed hit the back of her legs, she was quick to push herself back, to pull the brunette with her._

_Hovering over the blonde who's golden hair splayed out like sunshine against her black sheets, Emily held her weight on one hand and pushed dark jeans over a slim waist with the other, pushing and pushing until they were uncaringly tossed to the ground. "Are you sure you don't want me to do this.." Her teeth bit down at the side of a lower stomach, sucking and sucking with no concern for the marks that she left before her wet tongue soothed the welted skin. "Or this.." Her hand ghosted slowly up the inside of JJ's thigh, purposely stopping short of the heat that she could already feel radiating against her fingertips._

" _Stop.." She whimpered once again, only this time when the word passed her pink lips, it was contradicted by the small hand that wondered. And when she finally found what she was searching for, when she shoved what she was searching for down the front of her already soaked panties and into her wet folds, her next words were lost somewhere between a moan of relief and a broken whimper that depicted the last shred of guilt fleeing her hyper-sensitive body. "Please, Emily. Please stop.."_

"And.. that's all you get."

Garcia blinked. Blinked again. Everything that she had ever thought she knew about the woman before her had completely abandoned her. "You.. You told her to stop and yet.. you didn't _let_ her stop?"

"Uh.." _Really? That's all you took from that story?_ "Yeah? It was.." She was suddenly wholly unsure of herself. "It was okay, ya know. I think she wanted to.. I duno. To stop me from feeling so guilty."

Garcia blinked again. And again, before spinning away on her chair as a word that was no more than a burst of air sprang from her dramatically pursed lips. "Wow.."

"Hey, no.." JJ scooted towards Garcia with difficultly, frowning at the chair when it just wouldn't budge and resigned herself to lifting it and plonking it down beside her friend. "Wow what?"

Garcia turned slowly with a sigh, before biting her bottom lip and speaking. "Honey.. sometimes, I really have no idea why Emily pushed you to become a profiler."

"Uh.. ouch." JJ's hurt eyes travelled away and then back to her friend.

"JJ, you couldn't have been more off the mark if you tried and right now, I really feel kinda bad for her, even if she did help you cheat on your boyfriend.." She could see that her words had hurt JJ – not something that she was wholly trying to do – but it was something that needed saying and Garcia had never been the kind of friend who would say something just to placate someone.

"Why.." Her voice was almost childlike. "What did.. What did I do?"

Garcia sighed. "Sweetie.. I think you did what anyone else in your position would have done. Anyone else who was as confused as you would do. You misunderstood in favour of.. well, in favour of yourself."

"Wait.." JJ grew defensive. "Emily _wanted_ what happened! I didn't force-"

"Oh no I know!" Garcia spoke quickly, not wanting the blonde to get the wrong idea. "I know you didn't force her and I wholly believe that she wanted to but.. but did she know for sure that _you_ did?"

"I.." JJ's brow furrowed. "I don't understand."

"Gumdrop.. I don't think the reason she wanted you to tell her to stop was for the reason you think it is.. What I think she really wanted was for you to tell her that you _didn't_ want her to stop. I think she wanted, _needed_ , to know. To really know for sure, that you genuinely wanted it to happen. That you genuinely wanted _her_ , not just the sex.."

"But she.." _Oh god.._ "She already knew that.. she already _knows_ that.. doesn't she?"

Garcia pursed her lips, allowed the small shake of her blonde head to give her answer.

"Oh god.." Her hand pressed gently to her lips instantly as her eyes stared off into the distance. _How could she not know that I wanted her? That I want her? That I've spent every day of the past eight months **wanting** her?_

"Sweetie, I wouldn't worry." Garcia grabbed JJ's hand from her mouth and held it in her lap.

"Wouldn't worry? This whole damn thing is a mess!"

"Honestly.. it sounds to me like you were kinda playing _each other_." Garcia shrugged, continuing when a flash of incredulous hurt adorned JJ's face once again. "Come on Jayje, it's all in the details.. Okay so, that first night, you didn't drink a damn thing and why was that? _Because_ you wanted to get Emily drunk and coerce things out of her when her guard was down without actually being drunk yourself so that you could fully experience it. And Emily.. well, Emily knew very well that you felt something for her. She isn't a stupid woman. Just like I'm sure she knew that you'd follow her into her apartment after she left.." She could see the distant look on JJ's face; the younger woman was clearly stuck some place beating herself up and she had to bring her back to the present. "But none of that matters, okay? The only questions that you need to ask yourself here is _do_ you really want her? I mean, really want her.. In a world where Will doesn't exist. And more importantly.. what does it all mean?"

"I.." It wasn't the most important issue at hand, but as soon as it crossed her mind she grumbled into her open palm. "This is my coming out story isn't it?"

"Ha, no love.." Garcia smirked. "That one, I think, is reserved for you kissing your best friend in your sleep and consequently realizing that you had not so PG feelings for her."

"Not funny.." JJ suppressed a smile. "And really, not much better either!"

"Hey guys!-"

The abrupt opening of the door startled both of them, but each woman breathed a sigh of relief as Morgan entered. A sigh of relief that lasted less than an instant for JJ when she realized that Garcia was about to invite him into their little conversation, but thankfully Morgan cut her off.

"-sorry baby girl. _Girls_. Hotch wants us in the conference room. Not sure why. His delightfully stoic expression is giving nothing away as ever."

Each woman jumped up to follow Morgan's retreating form, but as a thought crossed their mind, almost in perfect unison, they stopped; stopped and just stared at each other.

"I'm sure Emily picked them up, Jayje." Garcia quickly whispered as they bustled towards the conference room, her voice depicting a confidence that she didn't actually feel.

 _Urgh.. I'm really not sure that's any better._ JJ grumbled to herself.

"Though.." Garcia added, nudging the blonde. "You might wana walk a little more fluidly than that."

The wink on Garcia's face only just outweighed the desire to yell at her for such a comment, but the door to the conference room and the five sets of expectant eyes staring at them stopped her.

"What we got?" JJ questioned mindlessly, hoping to distract everyone as her eyes subtly searched the ground for her panties.

"Am I really that bad to you guys?" Hotch asked, the strange presence of a small smile pulling so uncomfortably at his lips that his agents almost grimaced at the sight. "Um.. we got nothing."

"Soo.. why are we in here?" Reid questioned, his eyes narrowing.

"Oh god.." Emily groaned. "Did the ice queen change her mind? Are we all suspended again?"

"Actually – and you're about to feel incredibly guilty for this – she's given us the weekend off. Providing we get no pressing cases, of course." Hotch's subtle smile was now a full grin and his agent's had jumped from feeling uncomfortable towards the sight, to being oh so curious about it; a curiousity that they knew would never be accommodated even if they asked for it.

"Oh man.. that's brilliant." Morgan grinned as he moved quickly to leave the room but not before throwing a quick wink towards his friends. "If you'll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make. Lotta baby girl's about to have their weekends made if you know what I mean."

"We know what you mean." The whole team grumbled in unison, JJ's eyes still searching as subtly as possibly for her panties.

"Yes, thank you for that, Morgan." Hotch spoke again. "Now, if you're all capable of leaving without feeling the need to share the very intimate details of what you intend to do with your weekend, you are all excused."

She'd seen it – of course she'd seen it; she didn't get to be a profiler by stepping into the wrong interview – but she waited. Waited until everyone had left the room, waited until she had finally managed to coax away Garcia who was hovering protectively by the door, waited until JJ looked up and met her amused eyes.

"What?" JJ spat, feeling immediately guilty for her tone; especially after what she had just learnt thanks to Garcia. "I'm sorry.. I just.. I.."

"You just what?" Emily questioned, arms folded across her chest and some kind of almost smug look playing against her lips.

"I.." She looked around; making sure everyone else had left before whispering in panic. "I left my panties in here and now I can't find them!"

She couldn't help it; she laughed. Oh my god, did she laugh. "Good luck with that one."

"Wait.." JJ began as the brunette moved to leave, her voice wavering a little towards the end of her question. "Aren't you going to.. to help me?"

Her lips pursed, her head ducking briefly, and when her eyes met JJ's again, the smile in them had gone until all that was left was a firm seriousness. "JJ, I think my days of helping you are over. You have Will for that. Take care, and enjoy your weekend."

… _Enjoy your weekend alone._ Emily thought to herself as she left the room. _Enjoy your first weekend without either of us._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: _Chasing Heaven_**

_0.2mph;_

Your mind is buzzing, your whole brain is grating against your skull. One Ibuprofen, two Ibuprofen, three Ibuprofen, a full bottle of ice cold water, but still.. It cuts, and yet it numbs, and it pulls, and yet it pushes, and it really fucking hurts; and you know what you need. You know exactly what you need.

_1mph;_

It moves beneath your feet, a gentle shuffle that isn't quite enough, but it's a relieving promise. A promise that is reinforced by the backing music beginning a gentle rhythm in your ears. It's longing, it's need, it's your impatient fingers tapping impatiently against the bright yellow button; the bright yellow button that will take you there.

_2mph;_

Still not quite enough but you're getting there; so close and yet so far. Your muscles grow excited as they wave goodbye to the ache that they've felt for what seems like forever. Your fingers tap some more; 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5.. Still climbing, still chasing that euphoric numbness.

_3mph;_

The music in your ears is in full swing now; drums, bass, guitars, that almost rustic voice of a guy singing beautiful melodies of living in a false reality and it all combines to push you. You can feel it in your heart. It's a subtle sensation at first, but the slowly increasing perspiration against your skin promises that once you're there, you will feel it right through to your bones. It will pierce through your uncertainty and paint your mind with clarity. It will.

_4mph;_

So close, so fucking close. It almost hurts now; your calves, your ankles, your feet. Even your hands that refuse to let go of the hand-grips ache, but it isn't time. Thud, thud, thud; the music reaches the chorus and bounces around your mind in time with your feet. Almost. You're so close. Flash; she's there. Right before your eyes. But you tap some more, grip at the handles.. and she's gone again. You're almost there.

_5mph;_

You're panting now – in, out, in, out, in, out – but it hurts so bad and you're so tempted to stop, to refuse yourself those moments of pure bliss that you know are just minutes away. But your fingers tap some more – tap, tap, tap; 5.1, 5.2, 5.3 – and you're so damn close. Your heartbeat thumps in your chest and your ears and you feel it at every pulse point, and you almost smile. Almost. But the fact that you're still aware of the people around you tells you that you're not quite there yet.

_6mph;_

You wait for it.. wait for the chorus to come back around. And as it builds, as it climbs to that beautiful semi-climax, you let go. Slowly, carefully, you release your hands and you're.. you're almost flying. No, not quite. Not quite yet. You need more speed but your fingers are already on it; tapping away – they never let you down. But the song has finished and now another melody fills your ears. Somewhat softer than the last but it works nonetheless; works better, actually and is the perfect accompaniment to your blissful transition.

_7mph;_

You want to sing.. you want to sing so bad, and you're not sure whether it's the song or the feeling in your gut, your chest; the one starting in your fingertips and flooding throughout your entire body. But you just.. you _need_ to sing.. Your heavy breaths remind you that you couldn't even if you tried though, and this brings out an anger in you: you've been denied. _Again_. Once a-fucking-gain and that anger moves your fingers – taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap – more times than you can count but you can feel it.. You can barely keep up now and your chest begins to hurt.

_11mph;_

It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad and your pants are so frequent now that they almost run into one long breath but then.. but then.. it comes. It _finally_ comes. That incredible feeling of total numbness that takes away literally everything else and for a moment you're almost certain.. no, you _are_ certain, that you've left your body and are watching yourself. Through crystal clear eyes, you are watching yourself chase something that you already have, longing to enjoy the feeling for just a moment longer.. just one more moment.. just one more..

_12mph;_

You were already there but you greedy and.. that pain.. that pain is new.. that's not usually..

"Are you _trying_ to kill yourself?"

Emily's hands grasped suddenly at the handles to keep herself from falling as the treadmill came to a sudden halt; and with her earphones still plugged firmly into her ears, she recognised the hand slammed against the emergency stop button before she saw it's owner, she noticed the somewhat angry look on Derek Morgan's face before she heard him.

Quickly removing her ear buds, her animal like pants finally filtered into her consciousness as she tried to keep herself steady on almost jelly like legs. "What's yo-your pro-problem?"

"My problem, Emily? I'll tell you my problem.." Morgan's eyes bored into her as he handed her a bottle of water. "The current world record time for running a mile is 3.43 minutes. That's 17.4mph. And that's the best of the best. I hate to break it to you, but you are not the best of the best, you're not even close to the best, and you damn well know that so tell me.. What is _your_ problem?"

"I.." Emily smiled, twisted her neck and looked away as she climbed down off of the treadmill, shrugging as she spoke again between gulps of water and gasping breaths. "I have no problem. We all.. all have to.. to push ourselves from time.. to time."

"To _death_?" Morgan almost squeaked.

"Oh stop being dramatic." The brunette laughed, her breathing still labored but settling a little as she plonked herself down on a purple mat and began stretching whilst Morgan looked down at her judgmentally.

"I'm not. I spend every day in here, I know what I'm talking about. Did you even check your heart rate? Those things are on there for a reason and not because it's a damn competition to get it as high as possible."

"Oh stop-"

"-no you stop, Emily." Morgan spoke seriously as he crouched down beside her. "It was only eight months ago that you were fighting for your life in an OR. Is it Doyle? Is that what this is about?"

"No." She stopped moving completely, her eyes daring Morgan to even go there whilst at the same time telling him clearly that that wasn't the issue.

"Then wha.." Morgan's eyes trailed momentarily before he snapped his fingers. "I got it! It's that girl you've been seeing."

"I-what-I.." Her words came out with such stuttering ineloquence that she almost laughed at herself. Thankfully though, that was also enough for her to snap back into reality. "Morgan, I've been back, what.. three days? How is there already a rumour about a girl I'm seeing?"

"Oh this is an old rumour.. But my guess is that if she meant enough to you before you well.. you know.." And she did know; they both knew – excruciatingly clearly. "Then.. I'm sure she still means the same to you now and.. Oh, I got it!" He added for the second time with another click of his fingers, seemingly very proud of himself for being the oh so great profiler that he was whilst Emily looked on both incredulous and curious as to what was going to come out of his mouth next. "She doesn't know you're alive, does she! That's it! And you're afraid to suddenly appear at her door like some Evil Dead shit. Though, you know, maybe without the evil part."

His beaming grin almost made her want to agree, to allow him to think that he was right, but bitter words slipped from her lips before she could stop them. "Oh she knows I'm alive. Cares.. well, that's a different story."

His smile faded instantly into an almost grimace. "She pissed that you faked your own death?"

"Something like that." Emily spoke mindlessly as she reached to touch her toes. She knew that that wasn't exactly what JJ was upset about - she knew that it was more the trivialising words that she had given her before she disappeared that had left her so angry - but under this circumstance, did JJ really have any right to be so upset? Wasn't that Emily's right? After all, she was the one helplessly chasing someone who wanted nothing more than one last fling before she settled down.

"She'll understand, ya know, Princess. You just gotta give her time."

"She's had eight months.." _Oh fuck_. Emily cringed inwardly as she realized that if Morgan had heard what she just said, really heard what she just said, then with just a couple of seconds of heading down the right path, he'd be able to deduce exactly who 'she' was, and that was the last thing that she wanted. She may have been angry, hurt, but no part of her wanted to out JJ before she was ready. She was certain that 'outting' wasn't really the correct word - no one could be a first time lesbian and be _that_ skilled with her tongue - but at the same time it really was. The fact that JJ clearly enjoyed dabbling in the more sapphic side of life obviously wasn't common knowledge throughout the team and it certainly wasn't an assumption that anyone would jump to. Hell, she never would have believed it before that tongue of hers..

"Well not really." Morgan spoke with a frown, clearly missing the vital clue in Emily's words. "She thought you were dead. Technically she's only had a couple days."

 _Oh thank god._ She was grateful, oh so grateful, but a part of her did worry for the future of profiling if this was the BAU's protégé. Unfortunately, whilst mindlessly contemplating that, she was helpless to the further words that slipped from her apparently traitorous lips. "Yep, but a couple of days were enough to let me get her off in the conf-umm.." Her eyes widened; thankfully she wasn't facing Morgan directly. "C _onditions_! Such, such terrible weather conditions. We had sex outside." She shrugged her last sentence and then held her breath as she waited for Morgan to question her second nuance, but he didn't. God, for being so intelligent, this guy really was a little dumb.

"Prentiss, you dawg!" Morgan gave a swift punch to the brunette's upper arm as her grinned down at her. "So.. details. I wana know."

"Jesus, Morgan." Emily shook her head, smiling a little at how easily she had gotten past his super-elite ever-profiling mind as she pushed herself to her feet and tossed her towel into a nearby can. "You're as bad as Garcia."

"Wha.." Morgan stood to his feet, genuine hurt on his face. "My baby girl knew and she didn't tell me?"

"Well.." Emily began as she headed to her locker to grab her FBI issue hoodie and bag. "Not technically. I don't even know for sure that she _does_ know. Just," she shrugged, "you know what she's like."

"Hmm.." He mumbled to himself before latching onto another question. "So.. what's the issue then? If this girl still wanted you enough to share some Al Fresco lovin' with you then.."

"It isn't love, Morgan."

He'd clearly hit a nerve, and that one, he did not miss. "What is it, Princess?"

Emily pulled her hoodie over her head – a split second to hide the genuine look of sadness in her eyes – before she tossed her bag over her shoulder and spoke. "It's just sex. She needed something from me, I gave it, she left and I.."

"You what.."

She couldn't help it, a small smile that fell somewhere both regretful and amused graced her lips. "I.. stole her panties."

His laugh echoed throughout the large room, startling some of the agent's from their workout and Emily had to suppress her own laugh. "Oh my god, Em. Are you serious?" A small nod gave him his answer and he immediately reached towards her bag. "Lemme see."

"Hey, no." She shifted her body away before walking away from him entirely, continuing when he finally caught up. "I have to return them. It was funny at first but.. she's freaking out and.. well, I'm not an ass. Sometimes I wish I could be but.. alas."

"I could leave her a little surprise in-"

"-do not finish that sentence." Emily waved an almost angry hand dismissively, immediately cutting him off before whatever disgusting thought he was about to verbalise could be completed. "Anyway, what are you doing here? Don't you have some girl's heart to break?"

"You're one to talk." Morgan laughed, purposely glossing over the angry look that Emily shot him. "But you're right. Not until seven though. Gotta get my workout in before the real workout begins.."

She couldn't work out if she was disgusted or warmed by the infamous Derek Morgan wink that accompanied his words, but she loved him nonetheless; shook her head with a smile before walking away. "Don't pull anything, Morgan."

"You too!" He yelled to her retreating form. "And no more stealing!"

' _Cause I'm just thinking about us / I've been living in a dream about you / and now I know / you were all I ever wanted on my mind / And if I never see / my own reality / well I'm okay / to leave it all behind._

The song had stayed with her, long after Morgan had so rudely interrupted her moment of pure bliss, long after she'd miraculously managed to evade his curiosity, and when she'd finally made it to her car, she couldn't resist. She didn't care that the vehicle was probably thudding obnoxiously as she took the long route back to her condo, through quiet side streets that were no longer quiet in her presence; she didn't care as she rolled down the windows and belted out each and every lyric, because she wanted to sing and no one and nothing was going to stop her. She would not be denied again. She would not put her heart on the line and have it stomped all over, again. She would not help JJ cross that line and have herself stomped all over, again. No.

And yet.. after she'd finally made it back to her condo, after she'd stood beneath the shower spray humming the very tune that had carried her home, after she'd dried off and thrown on some more comfortable clothes; she found herself back in her car, heading directly for that line, the one that would either be crossed for the final time, or would disappear before her very eyes - her heart along with it.

And yet, too, it was a different song that carried her towards temptation, lead her in search of answers, drove her towards an end or a beginning – she really wasn't sure which – and that song was the same one that had filled her ears on many nights back in Paris. When she had stared out of her window at a breathtakingly beautiful skyline and saw nothing but emptiness. Same band, different message; same voice, different feeling; a much softer melody, a much different kind of pain.

_Between both these times / I drew a really thin line / It's nothing I planned / and not that I can / but you should be mine / across that line / If I traded it all / if I gave it all away for one thing / wouldn't that be something?_

Her finger tapped against the steering wheel, a somewhat mild gesture that was entirely deceptive and stupidly dishonest; because had she truly allowed herself to recognize the ache in her chest, the not-so subtle pain that the hum caused, the soul crushing way in which the lyrics unapologetically filtered into her mind; she may have turned this car around, headed in any other direction than the one that would lead her to..

"You can't be here."

And, with wide eyes disappearing into darkness, the door slammed just as quickly as it opened.

_I promise I might / not walk on by / maybe next time / but not this time. / ...Wouldn't that be something?_

* * *

**Author's Note:** Songs used are One Thing and Living in a Dream. Both by Finger Eleven and both great songs. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: _Dancing with Temptation_**

"I have something you may want." She spoke through the door, _quiet_ enough to not alert the neighbours and - considering that she was almost certain that the blonde was right on the other side waiting for her to leave - _loud_ enough for JJ to hear. And as the door clicked unlocked, she felt some kind of pride in the fact that she clearly hadn't lost her profiling skills in the months that she had been away.

All thoughts of pride dissipated as soon as she saw JJ peeking through the crack in the door though, and that twinkle in her eye was replaced with fear. Why the hell was she back here again? "Can I come in or would you like me to hand your panties over to you in the street?"

"Jesus, Emily." JJ berated as she grabbed the brunette's arm and dragged her inside, slamming the door behind her before looking towards the older woman impatiently. "Where were th-" Only her question was cut off by her own mind before it made it to fruition. "You had them all along, didn't you! Wow.. such astounding levels of maturity, Emily. And to think.."

"To think what?" Emily asked quietly, actually kind of hurt by JJ's words but she hid it well. Or so she thought.

JJ stared for a moment, stared like something in Emily's eyes changed everything that she was about to say. It wasn't just the faint glimmer in her eyes, though; it was the barely there red mark upon her porcelain cheek, the one that she had inflicted, that glared through her irrationally angry mind and blanketed that rage with something far softer. She shook her head dismissively. "Nothing. Would you like a drink?"

"Uh.. Wine, please, if you have it." Noticing the suddenly concerned look on JJ's face, Emily rolled her eyes and added somewhat bitterly. "Heh, don't worry, Jayje. I'm not gona get drunk and force you into something that you _don't want_ to do."

"I.. I wasn't concerned about that. I.." JJ shook her head once again. How had this ever happened? How had they gone from Emily bustling into her house and bypassing all pleasantries to reach for her wine rack - to her walking in timidly, requesting permission almost nervously for something that she would typically just take. What the hell happened?

"Then.." Emily began again, much softer than before as she tried to reign in her own irrational bitterness. "I'd like a glass of red please. Any kind you have is fine. I trust your taste."

A small nod graced the blonde's head as she walked away and Emily followed closely behind. It was strange seeing JJ's home; it was almost as though she had to readjust entirely each time that she encountered something from her shortly abandoned life. It wasn't a subtle progression of growing used to being back, being home; it was short, sharp, quick and abrupt bursts of a reality that felt new and familiar all at once. But Emily wasn't one for pain, and more than that, she wasn't one for dealing with that pain with anymore company than just herself – not even JJ.

"So.." She began, silencing her mind. "I'm guessing you spoke to Garcia?"

JJ's eyes dropped momentarily as she poured Emily and then herself a glass of wine. "I.. Yeah.. She.." Finally turning, JJ handed Emily her drink, along with the truth. "She knows about us."

The brunette almost choked on the sip that she had eagerly taken. "Seriously?"

JJ simply nodded as she wandered through to the lounge, plonking herself down on the couch whilst Emily sat on the one opposite. "Yep. She saw us on the CCTV." JJ shook her head for a third time; how had they been stupid enough to do something like that? "But it's fine.. She's a gossip queen but I think she knows when to keep quiet. After all.. she _is_ the reason that we don't already have the fraternization police on our hands."

Emily felt grateful, astoundingly grateful, and for the first time, she found herself truly considering the repercussions of her and JJ's actions. It wasn't that she had never thought about it before – it had been somewhere at the back of her mind throughout all of this. It was just that now - now that she was in Will and JJ's house for the first time since this had begun, now that she had been able to take a step back and see the wood beyond the trees, now that they had only mildly escaped being caught – it was impossible to ignore what they, together, had done. But as her mind drifted into the bottom of her wine glass, JJ broke the suddenly awkward silence.

"Em.." Soft blue eyes waited for brown. "I'm sorry. For.. for the slap, and for well.. _this_." She shrugged as her teary eyes briefly looked away before falling to the glass rolling between her hands. "I never intended for it to come to this, Emily. I never intended for any of this."

And she honestly hadn't, but did that really make a difference? She had let things get so out of control that trying to reign it in was like trying to stop a raging inferno with just her wafting hands. Of course, she had spent the past eight months certain that Emily had wanted absolutely nothing to do with her anymore - of course it would be messy now that she was suddenly back in her life like she she had never been gone. And it really was like she had never been gone - this morning had proved that - but it was also different now too.. somehow far more complicated than it had ever been. Perhaps that was because she had known what it felt like to lose Emily - an experience that she couldn't bear to endure again - but when that memory was accompanied by a small voice at the back of her mind telling her, _Yeah, but think about it JJ. Will you really ever choose her over Will? Will you really ever be able to admit the truth to yourself, or will you take the easy route like you have your whole life?_

"You don't.." Emily shook her head, unknowingly startling JJ from her thoughts. Her eyes turned vacant and she gave her response with an eerie calm that truly portrayed an absolute nothingness that she didn't actually feel. "You don't need to be sorry. When two people give in to _lust_ at the expense of someone else, it very rarely ends well for anyone when that game is over."

JJ flinched at the words that told her that this was over – something that _she_ wasn't even certain of yet - and the unconscious act semi-answered one of the questions that Garcia had put to her: whatever this was, she cared about it enough to not be ready for it to be over. Now.. now she just had to figure out what Emily really was to her; what she was to Emily; whether any of that was really enough. Was it? Would it ever be enough to make a decision that would change her entire life as she knew it?

And then there was that word.. _lust_. Often mistaken for love, and the most easy of all feelings to surrender to. It was one word, one syllable, and yet when it rolled off of Emily's tongue, it felt like she'd just been given an entire lecture on just why it was that this should have never begun. It probably shouldn't have begun - no, it _really_ shouldn't have begun - but if that was true, why did it feel so damn.. _right_ , every time Emily touched her? Why did she feel freer than she had in her entire life when she kissed Emily? Why was she bathed in sudden clarity each time she came beneath Emily's touch? Why did she care that Emily, almost certainly, had felt that too? If it was just lust then.. why would that matter?

"What did you do in Paris, Emily?" The question fell without permission from her lips and opened a door that she, until this point, hadn't allowed herself too. It was far more subtle than, 'Is this just fucking to you?' and would leave her much less vulnerable than, 'Did you really miss me when you were gone?'. As well as that, it would too, hopefully, allow Emily some kind of fearless freedom to open up to her without inadvertently forcing her to shrink further behind her notorious walls. _Not a good profiler.._ JJ mused. _I'll show her._

Emily's brow furrowed; as far as random irrelevant questions went, that was pretty high up on the list, and to be honest, she didn't particularly want to answer. There had been something in JJ's apology that had given her the answer that she had come here for in the first place - an answer that she wasn't particularly rooting for, but an answer nonetheless. It was that cliche line, subtly hidden in eloquence that JJ had always seemed to possess: _I'm sorry, this was fun, but I just don't feel like playing anymore_. So why would she now willingly add salt to her own wounds and make it far more difficult to compartmentalise this like everything else in her life? "W-why do you wana know?"

"I _need_ to know." JJ swilled the red liquid in her glass before looking up again. "Just like you needed to know in the beginning, Emily. You needed to know and I never told you.." The instant discomfort and sadness in Emily's eyes told her that she was right - that Garcia had been right - and the regret that she felt was enough for her to use her one and only bargaining chip to finally reach some kind of more definitive decisions in this whole uncertain mess. "But if you tell me what you did in Paris then.. then I'll tell you what I.. I'll just.." She sighed. "I'll tell you, Emily." Would she really keep her side of that bargain?

Emily's sad eyes looked up briefly; she knew what JJ was referring too and it pained her to remember it. Even back then, on that very night, she knew that she should have stopped. Each _stop_ , each _please don't_ cut like a knife through her pretense - her pretense that this was as real as it felt to her - but the pain soothed as much as it hurt because she had JJ whimpering into her every kiss, her every touch, and she was powerless to stop it. But it did beg the question, why did JJ want to know? Was it possible that JJ really had missed her like she had missed JJ whilst she was gone? Was it possible that that could really be enough to change the inevitable outcome of this whole game? "Honestly?"

JJ nodded. "Please.."

"I.." Emily took a deep breath for courage and stood to her feet to wander in no particular direction. "I wrote." She nodded, briefly allowing her teary dark eyes to meet JJ's before she turned away again. "I wrote about the city of love, I wrote about.. _love_. I wrote about the tragedy of having your love torn away from you. I wrote so much that I probably have almost three books that no one will ever read because.." She ghosted her fingers along the back of the sofa, memorizing the material, almost like she was afraid that she was going to have to leave it behind again – just like she had with her own apartment, just like she had with her favourite coffee shop, just like she had with the BAU. "I highly doubt that Interpol would ever give me the clearance to publish such stories. And.." And then she saw it; the photo, sitting so casually upon the mantelpiece, oblivious to the fact that it was responsible for the pounding ache in her chest. The one of Will's, and Henry's, and even JJ's smiling and bright eyes – a look of love, and happiness, and a perfection that she wished that she could ever be capable of providing the blonde with. She turned purposely towards JJ with a different expression on her face to the one that had been there before, downing the last of her wine before speaking her last sentence. "They say that the beauty of writing is in the detail. And I'm not sure that your boyfriend would care for such details."

Pain flashed in JJ's eyes, just like she was certain that Emily was hoping for it too. She allowed her a moment to take that pain that she apparently wanted to see, before taking the brunette's wine glass from her and wandering through to the kitchen to refill it. "Do you believe in fate, Emily?"

Did she? She somewhat recalled believing in such a naive notion at one point throughout her life, but that had long ago been shattered beyond repair. Now, all she believed in was reality, a small part of her believed in love, and an even smaller part than that believed that love could last against all odds. "No, Jayje. I don't."

"Then what _do_ you believe?" JJ asked calmly, ignoring the sadness in her chest as she returned with the wine bottle and two refilled glasses.

She didn't particularly believe in fate herself – something about the whole ' _if two people are truly supposed to meet then they will_ ' notion just seemed ridiculous in a world with such a vast size and population – but when she put it into perspective, really stopped for a moment and thought about it, she wondered if it really was all that ridiculous. The only reason that Emily was in her life at all was because of an undercover operation; the outcome of which no one could have predicted, and of all the places that she could have been relocated, it was in her state, her workplace, her unit. The only reason that they had first kissed was because of an almost fully booked hotel and a dream that she really did not have control over. The only reason that she had wound up within such close proximity to Emily after that and ultimately ended up sleeping with her was because the brunette's car had broken down. The only reason that she wasn't married yet, to that perfect guy who loved her with everything he had, was _because_ of that night that had changed everything. And the only reason that they had wound up back together was because, no matter how hard they tried to do it without her, they had needed her to crack Ian Doyle. How could she _not_ believe in fate?

"I.." Emily trailed off as she returned to her spot on the sofa and took a sip of her second glass of wine. She opened her mouth to speak again, but one look towards JJ left her suddenly believing in everything that she had once thought to be bogus. Her brow wrinkled in an effort to erase those pathetic fairytale notions. "What's your point, JJ?"

"Honestly.." JJ laughed humourlessly, taking a large gulp of her own wine. She had had this so intricately mapped out in her mind, but now that map was gone and she was once again lost and wading through a disarray of confusion and conflicted feelings. "I don't know. But you have.. you have these walls that I find myself so desperate to break through. I have no real reason but I want to know what's behind your smile, behind your vacant eyes and your strong exterior. I just.. I just wana know you, Emily. What does that _mean_?"

If this was any other situation, Emily would have been able to give an answer with complete confidence: _"It means that you're in love, JJ."_ But this wasn't any other situation; this was _the_ situation, the one that mattered more than she had ever intended for it to, or ever even considered that it could. And there were two things swirling in those baby blues that were staring back at her expectantly: love, and fear - two of the strongest emotions known to man and she honestly couldn't work out which would reign victorious. So she lied, both to herself and to her occasional lover. "I don't know what it means, JJ."

"Yes you do." JJ spoke boldly, shocking even herself; a sudden confident fearlessness burning in her bright eyes. "I can see it in your eyes.. You know, just like I do." Perhaps it was down to the wine, perhaps it was wishful thinking, perhaps she was clutching at straws in her ever-increasingly confused state; but she couldn't bear this.. any of it. She wanted back everything that they used to have; only, at the same time, she didn't, because that would mean being without the rest of it. She was lost. So fucking lost; torn between hazy possibilities that scared her and ignorant resignations that left her feeling empty. Placing her glass on the coffee table, JJ spoke again, almost hopefully. "You know what it means, Emily."

"Does it _matter_?" Emily bit back as the photograph on the mantel caught her attention once again. It was impossible, when in the house that the woman she.. _had been sleeping with_ , shared with her boyfriend, to ignore the fact that JJ _did_ have a boyfriend; a loving boyfriend who treated her right and had given her the one thing that she herself would never be able to. She was in the house of a guy who had, over time, actually become a friend to her and she was crushing him without him even realizing it – seemingly without his girlfriend even _caring_ about it. Why would she want anything at all to do with a person like that? "Does any of this matter at all, JJ?"

Tears burnt at JJ's eyes. It was all wrong. She was being selfish and she knew it – a few of her fleeting thoughts briefly on the same page as Emily's - but that didn't change the fact that it _did_ matter to her. My god, it mattered to her; far more than it rightfully should under this circumstance, and it had to matter to Emily too.. It just had to.

"Do you remember what I asked you that first night?" Emily posed the question when JJ didn't respond.

"I.." JJ thought for a moment before she remembered the question; the question that had been so painful and yet so enlightening at the same time. "You asked me if I was a liar or a cheater."

"I did." A burst of air jumped from Emily's lips in a humourless laugh as she swirled the remnants of the dark red liquid in her glass. "And I thought you'd given me your answer that night. I thought that night alone was your answer. But I realise now.." She made eye contact with JJ. "I realise now that I still don't know the answer. Honestly.. I think you're both."

She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell, _how can you possibly say that?!_ But she knew exactly how Emily could say that. Emily had every _right_ to say that. And she had acquired those rights from the moments that she had indicated with her words that she didn't want her, but showed her with her body that she did; from the moment that she had purposely plied her with alcohol and then abandoned her with more questions than answers; from the moment that she had opened her front door and allowed her into her home, the home that she shared with the guy that she _still_ intended to marry one day. She had acquired those damn rights legitimately, and yet, when JJ opened her mouth to speak, she gave her even more reason to question her. She knew where this conversation was going, and she couldn't lose her. She just couldn't - even if she did know that she'd never stop being the coward that she was, even if it did make her entire conversation with Garcia somewhat redundant. "Come here, Emily."

The look in JJ's eyes was unmistakable; it was the same look that she had had the night that she had followed her back to her condo; it was the same look that she had had just this morning as she peered down at her from the conference room table; it was the same look that had pushed her to plead for no contact that night in Paris. It was bad look; a warning. And yet she found herself hypnotised by it, lured into the dark temptation that kept her enthralled.

She dipped her head to avoid those eyes, and the words that left her lips were no more than a shaky whisper. "JJ.. I can't do that. We're in your boyfriend's house. I _can't_ do that."

"Yes, you can." JJ breathed, her fingers already working at the buttons of her shirt. "Come here."

Tears filled Emily's eyes but she bit them back. It was bad enough that she had played any part in this affair and played so cheap with both hers and Will's heart, but doing it in the guy's own house was a boundary that she would not cross.. _Would_ she? "JJ." The use of that one single word was intended to be a warning, but she couldn't ignore the longing between her thighs; the yearning, the want, the desire to close this seemingly mile long gap between them and give in to this excruciating temptation that seemed to follow her everywhere that she went – even when that everywhere had been thousands of miles away. But before she could weigh up her options, a dark grey skirt was riding up over tan legs just like it so easily had that morning, and those tan legs were straddling themselves over her own lap; tempting fingers were tossing away a cotton shirt and pink lips were whispering into her ear like a siren.

"I _want_ you to touch me, Emily." JJ spoke purposely. "And I _don't_ want you to stop. Not ever." It wasn't a lie, not really – but it was also true that she knew exactly where those words would get her, exactly _what_ they would get her, and she was far from oblivious to just how manipulative that truly made her.

Those words caused her head to snap up and her resolve to shatter in the same instant. Those damn words.. the ones that she had longed to hear that night many months ago, destroyed her resolve almost beyond repair. She had come here tonight looking for her own answers. But the answers that she had gotten had left her with more questions than her mind could process, as well as the sudden realisation that she really was a fool. How many times had JJ done this? To how many women? How many men? How many times had she so unapologetically had her cake and eaten it too? Was _she_ simply another idiot that had fallen for her deceptive innocence?

When Emily still didn't move, but simply stared at her, somewhat how she stared at a case file that just didn't add up; JJ reached her hands behind her own back and removed her bra, allowing her full breasts to meet the cool room air and she wasted no time taking the brunette's hands in her own and placing them directly against her already hardening nipples.

She gasped, they both did, and tears formed in her own eyes. She knew that Emily was right, she really _was_ both; she knew it, but she didn't want to. She didn't want to think about the photograph on the mantel that she purposely had her back to, and she didn't want to think about the tears swirling in Emily's darkening eyes either. Her mind was a train wreck, and just like she had done before, she wanted to walk by that mess, pass the responsibility onto someone else rather than pick up the shards of what it once was and put it back together.

It was almost a minute before there was movement. Almost a minute before she felt those heavenly fingers brush over her nipples, but when it happened she cried out in relief of both the physical sensation and the indication that she had gotten her reprieve for just a little longer, that she could ignore the conflict in her chest for just a moment more, that she could act like none of this was real for just one more minute and at the same time, bask in the fact that it was - that it was Emily's hands on her, that it was Emily's scent surrounding her, that it was Emily's breaths filtering like a beacon of light into her foggy brain and making her feel more safe, and clear, and complete than she ever had in her entire life.

But what she didn't know was that on the other side of that movement, the beginnings of a decision that would shatter her entire world was taking place. It was the moment that would cause those words, _do not contact me_ , to be uttered again in just a matter of months from now; it was the moment that would lead to end her ignorant denial for good; it was the moment that her own fear and indecision would cause bravery and certainty to rise elsewhere in the ashes of the destruction that she herself had caused.

It was _that_ moment; the moment that she was so engrossed in and yet actually knew nothing at all about. But when that ignorance was accompanied by fingers now tugging harshly on her nipples and almost black eyes watching her like they wanted to devour her; how could she have known otherwise? How could she have known that though Emily was right there, she was actually nowhere around? How could she?

She didn't, which is why, when Emily wrapped her lips around her aching nipple and sucked and licked with abandon, and she unconsciously arched herself into the contact; she was more surprised than the brunette by the tears that suddenly sprung from her eyes and the honesty that left her lips. "I _am_ both." She sobbed. "I am both, and I am so sorry."

Emily was stunned, her mouth still partially open against JJ's breast as she looked up at her with confusion swirling in her dark eyes. She moved to pull back as JJ's sobs increased; to hold her and comfort her but the blonde stopped her.

"No." She sniffled almost desperately, her flushed cheeks stained from her tears. She couldn't lose this; not now, not ever. "Please don't stop. I meant it Emily, I don't want you to stop."

"But I.." Did JJ really want this? She only had a moment to ponder that question any further before her hand was forcibly shoved beneath the blonde's skirt and immediately into the wetness that awaited her. She helplessly groaned as her fingertips grazed through the slick folds between JJ's thighs and her forehead met JJ's chest in both defeat and desire.

JJ rocked her hips with a whimper and wrapped her arms around Emily's head; stroked her hair in a gesture that completely contradicted the way that she had so abruptly forced the brunette's hand between her legs. She parted her thighs a little further, relieved when Emily took the hint and plunged three fingers deep inside her; and that comforting stroking motion that her own hands had picked up against the brunette's dark tresses just moments before became more of a tight grip with each thrust inside her as silent tears streamed down her cheeks.

"You're.." JJ spluttered, unable to ignore the conflicted pain in her chest any longer as the beginnings of her orgasm bubbled already within her. "You're here.." It spread and it spread with each thrust, with each determined curl of skilled fingers; overtaking her so quickly like she had been waiting for this for so long - essentially, she had - and her entire body tightened along with her grip on Emily's hair. "And that makes you.. Oh fuck-" And right before that rising feeling deep within her came to a full climax, she forced. "And that makes you a liar too!"

Emily was stunned once more; her head shooting back and her eyes darting to JJ's right at the moment that the blonde's orgasm tore through her. She was angry, and yet somehow too, still considerate enough to allow the blonde the time to ride out her pleasure. But once she had, once those tremors against her fingertips had ceased, she gently removed her fingers, grabbed the blonde firmly by the hips and moved her to the sofa as she stood to leave. "I am many things, JJ. But I am not a lair. So to answer your earlier question.. _it means you're in love_. The reason that you apparently want to know me, is because you're in love and you are too much of a coward to admit. Not only that, but you're too selfish to realise that you're _killing_ me.. that you're killing me with everything move you _fake_ , every damn word you say because I'm in love with you too."

She couldn't believe what she had just admitted, but the anger boiling through her veins was enough to push her to spew several more venom laced words before fleeing the house. "I am not a liar, and I won't lie for you either. Get back to me when you can say the same." _But_ _I'm sure that's a day that'll never come._

JJ's bare chest heaved as a new wave of tears hit her with Emily's slamming of the door. She felt like someone had just ripped her heart out and done so with a smile on their face. But that someone, she couldn't deny, was herself.. _Please don't leave like this, Emily._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: _Fairytales_**

_I am not a liar.._

She flung one leg over the comforter and spread her arms across the untouched cotton beneath the pillows of this empty bed; the cold should have been refreshing on an unbearably humid, August night but all it served to do was send an unwelcome chill down her spine.

_The reason that you apparently want to know me, is because you're in love and you're too much of a coward to admit.._

She turned her head the other way, flinched back and buried it into the pillow once her eyes met with the loving and oh so perfect photograph on her bedside table that portrayed a happy family; right beside the bottle of lotion that Will rubbed into her skin for her every night, and the alarm clock that woke her for her days with Emily.

_You're too selfish to realise that you're killing me with every move you fake, with every damn word you say, because I'm in love with you too.._

She hadn't asked for this. She never wanted to feel this way and honestly, she was quite sick of crying; even as the pillow beneath her absorbed her tears to satiation, rejected them and returned them to her flushed cheeks, reminding her that their presence held no right. _She_ had no right. She had only her own cowardice to blame and yet, those tears seemed to be a constant fixture these days. How had she managed to create such a storm of chaos? And actually, had she done anything to prevent it, or had she encouraged it into fruition? This wasn't fate; this was her doing. _She_ had made this happen.

Suddenly, she understood things that she never had before: the justification behind the lies that people tell; the logic that keeps those lies going even when the reality of the destruction that they're causing breaks in; the subtleties that lead people to blindly commit traitorous acts and only realise it when there's a blanket of their betrayal at their feet. She wasn't a bad person, of that she was completely certain, but was that certainty a lie too? Was she anything but a liar anymore?

Oh that's right; she was a cheater too.

It must have been hours that she laid in that darkness; repeating Emily's words over in her mind, but not really listening to them at all. Where Emily had protested that she wasn't a liar, all JJ had heard were more lies - even if they were merely a reflection of her own. Where Emily had admitted feelings, so many feelings, all she had heard was the rush of guilt in her own conscience. And where Emily had so harshly hit the nail on the head and outted her own feelings before she herself had had the chance to, she had heard nothing. Not a damn thing. She didn't want to hear it, she didn't want to know it, and she certainly didn't want to admit it.

But when her phone buzzed at 4am, her purposeful flailing came to a sudden and abrupt halt.

"Hey." She answered in a groggy voice without checking the caller ID; the way that she had answered the phone in itself clearly depicting the disarray in her mind. But the caller had their own disarray to be concerned with and they completely bypassed all pleasantries to cut straight to the chase.

"Chere, I think we need to talk.."

JJ shot bolt upright in her bed; her eyes panicked and wide, her heart hammering in her chest. Did he know? How did he know? Had Emily told him? Had Garcia told him? Had he just figured it out?

"Jayje.. Jayje, are you there?" Will sighed. "Please be there.. I need to tell you this before I lose my nerve."

Relief flooded JJ's body, only to return again when she finally recognised the conflict in her boyfriend's voice; conflict mixed with a distinct slurring of words that indicated his clear intoxication. "Are you _drunk_?" She spat, accusatory. "Where's Henry?"

"He's with my mom. I went out with a few buddies from high school and.." Will sighed once more. "I'm so sorry, Jayje. I-"

"Will, just spit it out!" She was getting frustrated now, even if that frustration was a transferred manifestation of her own guilt. She knew that he didn't deserve it, but the knot that was already in her chest and the mess that was already in her mind was enough without this added to it too.

"I um.. I.." Composing himself, Will did indeed spit it out. "I cheated on you, JJ."

 _You have got to be kidding me!_ The thought was more directed at the fact that this whole situation had just become something out of a bad TV drama, and in fact, she hadn't even blinked at the fact that her boyfriend had cheated on her – something that should have answered every question that she had ever had about her 'relationship' with Emily and her 'relationship' with Will. But when a voice on the end of the line spoke again, she realized that what was purely intended to be a thought had actually left her lips.

"I-I'm not joking. I wish I was. Jayje, I swear it meant nothing. I was drunk and it just.. it just happened." When he got no response, Will spoke again. "JJ, are you still there? JJ? Please say something. Please."

JJ blinked several times, attempting to wrap her head around the whole situation - but she hadn't accomplished that before she had learnt this new nugget of information, so it certainly wasn't going to happen now. "Um, I'm-I'm here."

"Are you.. okay?"

Wasn't that just the million dollar question.. Was she okay? Was she hurt? And more than that, was she hurt because of Will, or hurt because of herself? Because of what she had done, or rather not been able to _say_ , to Emily..

Her answer came like a train in the night, causing the ground to rumble beneath her as the blinding truth shrouded her in clarity; and now she wanted nothing more than to be off of the phone with Will and in her car on her way to Emily's. "I'm fine, Will. I need to go."

"Please don't be like that, JJ. Please. I will doing anythi-"

"Will, I'm not being like anything. We will talk when you get back. But right now, I need to get off this phone."

Assuming that JJ simply needed time to get her head around his transgression, Will had no choice but to agree. "Okay. I'll.. I'll call you tomorrow. I really am sorry, Jennifer. I love you."

"You too." That was all she could muster and she had ended the call before she had even managed that.

**CM-CM-CM**

"I _am_ in love with you!" She practically yelled as a half asleep Emily opened the door and peered at her through disorientated, squinting eyes.

" _What_?" Emily shook her head. "JJ, it's almost five am. Couldn't this have waited until a more respectable hour?"

"I don't care." JJ spoke as she pushed by Emily and into her apartment. "I don't.. _care_ what time it is, Emily. I don't care at all. Because if I don't say this right now then I probably never will. You were right. I _am_ in love with you. I am so in love with you and I am absolutely terrified of admitting that, and I am even more terrified of facing what that really means." Tears pricked at her eyes as she became flustered with each non-existent expression in Emily's. "This is such a mess, Emily.. But I.. I can't ignore what it means anymore. I can't pretend that I don't want everything with you, and I can't continue to pretend that I _do_ want everything with Will. I _am_ a liar, and I _am_ a cheater, and I hate myself for that, but I'm not lying to you now." She calmed herself, taking steps towards Emily before she delivered her next sentence. "I want _you_ , only _you_. And I'm going to leave Will. I _won't_ pretend anymore. I've been given a second chance with you coming home and I.. I can't let that pass me by."

She was right - she had been given a second chance. Only, it wasn't the one that she assumed it to be, and little did she know that that mistake was going to set in motion a long line of many more.

Emily put her hands out briefly in no real gesture, before slapping them down against her thighs in exhaustion and shaking her head with an equally exhausted sigh. "JJ, I am 44 years old. This isn't high school. And I am too old to be chasing you and your _damn_ fairytales."

"You don't need to chase me, Emily." JJ reasoned and caught the brunette's wandering eyes by placing a hand against her chin. "I'm right here. All of me.. I am so sorry that I never told you before. That I allowed you to think that I just wanted.. I don't know, _this_ from you.. and that I didn't even want that. I'm so sorry, Emily."

"What's different?" Emily questioned evenly as she stepped back and dared to lock eyes with JJ. "What is so different now that brought you to my door at five am?"

"I.." JJ swallowed. Could she really tell Emily that what had actually brought her to this realisation and consequently to her door, was the fact that, ironically enough, her boyfriend had cheated on _her_? Wouldn't that just bring everything that she had just said into question? "I couldn't sleep. I had a lot of time to think after you left."

Mistake number two. If this life-altering turn of events wasn't making her so crazy and forcing her to question every inch of who she was, then she would have seen that mistake long before it loomed on the horizon. But as it was, she wouldn't recognize it right now, or even when she woke up; it would be a further twelve hours before she would see, in all it's painful clarity, that she should have made this moment something else - that she had already wasted that second chance before she was even really given it.

Something in Emily's gut told her, screamed at her, not to fall for it, but not one person on this whole planet could justifiably blame her for what she did next – even if she herself would come to blame herself at a later date. After the night that she had had since fleeing JJ's house - after the over-thinking, and the impossible obliviousness, and the idiocy of falling at JJ's feet again - she was so blinded by this new and now very real possibility that she just smiled. A real, genuine, relieved smile as this new door opened before her. And along with that smile, she stepped forward and brushed her lips against JJ's; and along with that kiss, she whispered. "Tell me what you want, JJ."

JJ ducked her head and pressed her forehead to Emily's, stilling the brunette's wrists before she could begin anything; the only right decision that she had made all night. "I want you." She whispered truthfully. "I just want to sleep with you, and actually sleep. I just want to be close to you and I want to wake up next to you."

Emily's heart soared in ways that she hadn't felt since that last night in Paris; the night when she had all but confessed her love and had been certain, very almost certain, that she had seen that same love reflected in the blonde's eyes. More than lust, more than curiousity and the need to experiment before she settled down with Will; but real, actual love. Any thoughts of Will's pain had long abandoned her since JJ had spoken those words. This was _her_ chance at a happy ending - one that didn't involve seedy trysts in hotel rooms and the back seat of her car that never passed beyond the physical act of fucking; at least not officially.

Stepping back and reaching out for JJ's hand, Emily discarded every ounce of logic that she had acquired throughout her forty-four year existence and smiled. "I can do that, JJ. Let's go to bed."

**CM-CM-CM**

It was almost noon when JJ awoke later that day, and as her sleepy blue eyes fluttered open and met soft brown, a genuine smile crept across her lips. This feeling was surreal. It was perfection; clear, untainted perfection that felt every bit as natural as it did new. "Good morning, you."

"Good morning, _you_." Emily smiled, rolling onto her side and taking the same position as JJ; her right hand below the pillow, the other flat against that pillow but beneath her cheek.

A part of her didn't dare move; afraid to shatter this moment of heaven – and it truly was heaven. She'd never imagined on all those nights that she had watched JJ pull on her clothes as she answered her phone to Will's concerned voice, that she'd be waking up next to her - _not_ because her boyfriend was out of town, but because she had chosen _her_. She had actually chosen her and she was so afraid of this moment hazing away before her very eyes like her dreams so cruelly had on so many occasions. But she wanted to touch, and she wanted to caress, and she wanted to kiss, and she wanted to fully allow herself to appreciate this moment for what she was naively certain that it was. She wanted to paint it on the walls of her mind like decorating a blank canvas for the first time, to ensure that she never forgot it; this defining moment. And she wouldn't. Ever.

"What are you thinking?" JJ questioned with her brow furrowed.

"I'm thinking.." Emily began as she scooted closer to JJ, propping herself up on her elbow and allowing her left hand to dip beneath the heated cocoon of the comforter and just her fingertips to graze over an almost bare back. "That I have a beautiful woman in my bed, and I'm just trying to decide what I'm going to do with her."

"Oh yeah?" JJ smiled, another genuine smile that mostly made its presence known in her eyes as she felt a familiar arousal between her thighs with each brush of Emily's fingertips. "Well do you think that that supposedly beautiful woman in your bed could take a shower before you decide what you're going to do with her?" Leaning up to Emily's ear, she whispered. "She's still not had the chance to shower since your mouth _decided what to do with her_ yesterday."

Emily groaned at the memory, purposely blocking out the part where she had totally said the wrong thing and instead focusing on the insatiable look that had been in JJ's eyes, the way that her mouth had parted slightly as she thrust her fingers into wetness that was solely for her. The former didn't matter now, did it? What she had said didn't matter? A small portion of her brain reminded her that she still hadn't really gotten an answer, but when that reminder was accompanied by the reality that JJ was here, in her bed, with desires for a future with her still lingering on her inviting lips, it really stood no chance - that alone _was_ the answer. She didn't need more; this, the right now, was far more than enough.

"Actually.." Emily pushed herself up and over JJ, purposely lingering as she straddled the blonde to press a kiss to her lips before continuing to climb off of the bed. "I have a better idea."

Ten minutes later saw them both stood beneath the spray of Emily's wall length shower; no cleaner than they were before they climbed in and actually probably a whole lot dirtier. And no more than ten minutes after that, saw both women stumbling out of that shower, blindly falling through a bathroom door and into Emily's bedroom with content smiles and brief kisses and teasing, almost exploratory caresses lining their path.

"It's.." JJ began between uneven breaths. "Amazing how much I.." _Kiss._ "Always.." _Kiss_. "Want you.." And it truly was. It didn't matter that Emily had just brought her to an earth-shattering climax against the wall of her shower, or that just hours ago she had experienced the same thing; because the need within her was dire, almost like she hadn't come in years and she found herself wanting to do everything, try everything, experience everything, all at the same time.

"It's because I make you make this sound.." Emily smirked as she wrapped her mouth around JJ's nipple and sucked. "Or this one.." She turned JJ to face away from her and pressed featherlight kisses to the back of her neck where she knew the blonde to be especially sensitive. "Or this one.." She allowed her fingertips to ghost down the blonde's tummy, over her hip and across a toned thigh and basked in the wondrous sounds that emanated from Jennifer Jareau's lips. "Did I make my point yet?"

JJ nodded slowly as took Emily's hands in her own and kissed each one of her fingers, before wrapping those loving arms tight around her waist and resting her own atop of them. "You make me feel safe, Emily.." She whispered honestly as she traced the faint hairs on the brunette's arms. "You make me feel like.. Like it really could be okay."

Emily's brow furrowed as she nuzzled her chin against JJ's shoulder. "Like what could be okay, baby?"

JJ lifted her eyes to the ceiling like that would magically force the tears shrink back inside her skull. Emily wasn't like most people, and she knew that even if it did work, the brunette would still recognise the glossiness in her eyes; the emotions that she knew for sure were currently swirling in them. She'd notice, and she'd care. So, instead, she wrapped Emily's arms around her a little tighter and waited for the question to pass. It didn't, but instead it was replaced with an unspoken understanding, and a new wave of grateful tears graced JJ's already watery, blue eyes.

"What do you need, JJ?"

She was right; Emily really wasn't like most people. She was everything that she had been searching for through all these years.. Through every night that she spent lying in someone else's arms, wondering what was missing; for every night that her fingertips had dipped below her own panties, creating the most exquisite feeling and yet also leaving her empty; for every night that she had spent sadly certain that this stubbly kiss upon her cheek was as good as it gets - Emily was her answer, her everything.

Smiling through her tears, JJ turned in Emily's arms and locked her fingers behind the brunette's neck, peered up into chocolate orbs and allowed Emily to see the tears in her own. "I just need you, Emily. I always needed you.. and I _found_ you. What are the chances of that?"

"I bet Reid could tell us." Emily joked, her sincere eyes twinkling as she traced lines across JJ's lower back. She was concerned for the tears that she could see swirling in blue, of course, but she was simply happy that she had managed to bring a smile to JJ's face. "And I'm sure, if we asked really nicely, he'd even draw diagrams and graphs for us too."

"His innocent little mind would _explode_ if he knew the things you and I had been up to." JJ laughed; still amazed that Emily always seemed to know exactly what she needed even when she herself didn't. "Though, that would be a fun conversation to have just to see his stuttering response."

"Oh god.. could you imagine?" Emily's husky laugh fell from her lips before she put on her best Reid voice that actually sounded nothing like the young doctor at all. "Uh, well.. Statistics do show that blonde's tend to enjoy the more oral side of sex whil-"

"You're an ass." JJ rolled her eyes, turning from Emily only for the brunette to pull her right back, press their foreheads together and push her back towards the bed with a smug grin.

"Yep." She whispered against JJ's lips. "But I'm _your_ ass." She brushed her lips teasingly over JJ's, pulling them back with a bigger smirk when the blonde tried to kiss her. "And you love me." She allowed her thumbs to graze very low on JJ's abdomen as she pushed the blonde further across the spacious room. "Jennifer Jareau loves _me_. Now.. What are the chances of that?"

"I don't know but they're.." JJ words dried up on her tongue as Emily's thumbs dipped lower still. " They're about.. about to get drastically slimmer if you keep teasing me like that.."

"Oh.." Emily raised an eyebrow as she nudged JJ backwards one final time, continuing when the blonde fell to the bed with a soft bounce. "We wouldn't want that, would we?"

"Nuh-huh.." JJ smirked; a purposely deceptive glimmer of innocence in her eyes as she leant back on her forearms and hooked her feet behind the brunette's legs to pull her closer.

Emily licked her lips before capturing the bottom one between her teeth as she peered down at the blonde with lust in her eyes. _Love_ in her eyes. JJ was truly a sight to behold as she stared back at her, daring her, encouraging her and she couldn't help the quick succession of possibilities that ran through her mind as she leaned down and pressed her lips directly below JJ's breast, her stomach, her upper thigh. She knew, somewhere at the back of her complex mind that these transgressions were far from okay. Even if they had come to a definitive decision - Will still had no clue, they were still lying to him, they were still breaking is heart. But those morals were a weak opponent when thrown in the ring against this.. this moment, and they lost so easily that Emily barely even recognised they'd ever been there.

"Ya know.." JJ forced out as her back arched and her almost navy eyes fluttered closed at the journey that Emily's lips were so eagerly taking. "Statistics may say that blonde's prefer the oral side of sex, but.."

"But what?" Emily's eyes shot up between JJ's legs, a combination of inadequacy and excitement in them.

"But.." JJ smiled and pulled Emily up towards her, wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck and whispering into her ear. "But I wana see you.. I wana see your eyes when you realise that this.." She blindly reached out for Emily's hand, unfolded her fingers and ran them along her own slit. "Is all for you.."

And see her eyes, JJ did. The feeling of Emily's fingers taking on their own movement and gliding easily through her wet folds, as well as the appreciative sound that jumped from full lips was perfection enough; but when that was accompanied by the distinct dilating of pupils and the intoxicating darkening of already dark brown, she was left floating. She was certain that she had never felt something more exquisite in her life and was helpless to her thighs that parted further, or the hips that thrust greedily, or the pleading that she knew was in her own eyes.

"I see my girl is a voyeur as well as an exhibitionist." Emily whispered into JJ's ear as she dipped her fingers lower, collected some of the gathering liquid awaiting her and ran those fingers back up to an engorged clit.

There was that phrase again - my girl. "I.. I am.. you know." JJ spoke cryptically through laboured breaths; her hand still gripped at Emily's wrist even though the brunette was moving of her own accord now, her blue eyes still locked firmly with brown as she studied every emotion that passed through them and allowed Emily to see every truth that passed through her own.

"A voyeur?"

"No.." JJ laughed softly; her mind split between Emily's captivating, still-darkening eyes and the feeling between her parted thighs. "Well.. maybe a little. But.. I mean.." She felt suddenly self-conscious but Emily's next move stunted that before it could manifest.

"Oh you mean.." Full lips brushed against JJ's ear and at the very point that she finished her sentence, she plunged three fingers into JJ's more than ready pussy. "My girl? Are you _my_ girl, JJ?"

The question was as much for herself as it was for JJ. The idea of being able to finally call JJ her own was one without a title. She couldn't name the feeling, but that was impossible anyway when it was so many of them rolled into one; each circling the last in a constant motion that sent a warmth from her brain across her chest, through her stomach to her fingertips. The fingertips that _her girl_ was so eagerly taking.

"Yes.." JJ hissed as those welcome fingers invaded her, perfect words accompanied that intrusion. "Yes.."

"Tell me, JJ.." Emily implored as she continued her leisurely pace inside the blonde. She was moving so teasingly slow, but the helpless opening and closing of JJ's eyes with each inward thrust, with each perfectly applied amount of pressure from her curled fingers, told her that that was more than okay. She brushed her free hand over JJ's damp hair as she pressed her forehead to the blonde's and encouraged once more. "Tell me.."

"I'm yo-" JJ's mind went blank as Emily hit that spot once again and lingered a little longer; causing both a numb and acute sensation to overtake her brain before those fingers withdrew easily and gave her chance to form a coherent sentence. "I'm your girl, Emily. I'm yours.."

"Usted siempre será mío, Jennifer." Emily whispered. "Y yo soy siempre tuyo."

That was all it took - that damn accent that she couldn't get enough of and those words that were so vividly familiar - and something washed through JJ, caused the almost gentle, loving moment to become completely overwhelmed by desire and controlled by an untypical dominance. She flipped their positions in one swift movement without even causing Emily's fingers to leave their heated cocoon within her. And as she pushed Emily flat on her back, she straddled her thighs around the brunette's waist, arched her own back and effectively impaled herself further on skilled fingers.

Emily groaned as JJ picked up a steady rhythm against her; the blonde's impossibly dark blue eyes not leaving hers as she moved with grace, tan fingers digging into her own thighs with each thrust. The image reminded her of a masterpiece in an art gallery - it was just that damn exquisite. The perfect posture and the delicate curve of her lower back as she arched further into her fingers; the gentle shoulders that curled back a little so that full, round breasts perked just that little bit more; the white of her knuckles protruding against her tan hands as her fingers dug further into toned thighs with each fluid circle of her hips; the slightly parted lips and the glistening, azure eyes that painted the look of violent ecstasy in amongst something almost serene, tranquil. There was no sound; none at all apart from lightly falling breaths from both of them as their locked eyes spoke volumes. It was truly beautiful, and Emily herself couldn't help but feel beautiful simply for being a part of it.

And with each circle of modest hips, Emily curled her fingers a little further, ensuring that each movement was felt right throughout every fiber of JJ's being. Her other hand rested gently at the blonde's left hip; encouraging but not dominating, guiding but not forcing. And it was only when she felt that spongy area beneath her fingertips grow impossibly tight that JJ moved from that position at all, made any real sound at all. But the sound that she did make was just as beautiful as the sight that she had just been witness to, was _still_ witness to; and the change in position was only to move her own hands to the bed, to arch her hips a little further into her fingers.

"I love you.."

The sound almost startled her. She had become so engrossed in the thunderous silence that she almost forgot what real, actual words sounded like. But those words.. those perfect words, she could never forget, and when JJ spoke them again with extra sincerity, she couldn't help ghosting her fingers up a toned back to pull the young woman flush against her.

"I love you, so much.." JJ whimpered as the abrupt but welcome change in position caused Emily's fingers to sink deeper within her, and her palms fisted satin sheets as her lips parted against the brunette's; not a kiss, not even really a brush, just them breathing hot air into each others mouths like it's soul purpose was to save them both.

"You're so beautiful..."

The words flowed through Emily's breath and directly into JJ's mouth, and as the blonde inhaled them, she truly did feel beautiful. It was wrong what conclusion Emily had drawn back in the conference room - she wasn't an exhibitionist. It was just that in Emily's presence, she really couldn't help feeling that way. There was a confidence in her in those moments that she had never felt, a certainty, a belief. And as her thrusts helplessly increased against Emily's skilled fingers, an almost tingling, electric feeling ran through every inch of her and straight to her toes; an overpowering feeling that she had never felt before that made promises from each and every corner of her blissful mind. It was confident yet quiet, consuming yet freeing; it was nothing and everything, so much but not quite enough. But those promises were sincere; she could feel it, growing and growing, rushing to fruition.

Emily smiled as she noticed the change in JJ; pressed her hand into the blonde's lower back and moved her fingers were more volition against that no longer spongy spot within her. And as whimpers became broken and unfinished, as a sweat-slick forehead pressed further into her own, as a goddess-like body trembled and quaked, as needy hips thrust more rapidly.. even she couldn't have imagined the end result - the beautiful finish that made everything else that she had witnessed before that seem like trash in the street. The almost scream that erupted from JJ's mouth and directly into her own redeemed her; the small hands that jumped to her shoulders as a defined back arched one final time tethered her; and that rush of heated liquid that gushed from JJ and bathed her palm in warm perfection, that accompanied the violent succession of spasms against her fingers, told her that those moments were as much to JJ as they were to her. And with that one realisation, any questioning part of her mind shut down completely.

And if she was wrong.. it really didn't matter - because whilst she was going through hell and licking her wounds, she could always remind herself that she had once experienced heaven.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: _Those Blue Eyes That Lie_**

They had spent the whole remainder of that day much like two new lovers in their honeymoon phase; lost in desire and entangled in each other at the expense of reality. There were conversations to be had, and yet every time there was a lull in their daytime activities, a soft hand would caress new territory, or a greedy mouth would devour and the whole process would start all over again - something JJ was partially thankful for; something Emily was majorly struggling with. In a lot of ways.

She felt like she should be grateful, but she wasn't. Something just wasn't right and whilst she longed to be the kind of person that could play the blissfully ignorant card, she couldn't. The need to know was pushing its way through her body like a parasite; beginning at her chest and spreading to every fibre until finally, at ten o'clock that evening, she ripped a giant hole in their ignorance.

"Jayje.." She began as she ran her fingers over the baby-soft skin of the arm draped across her torso, ignoring the sudden tension that she felt in the younger woman at that one single word – because that one nuance told her something that she didn't want to know. But she _needed_ to know, know that this was real, so she proceeded like she was oblivious. "What's going to happen? I mean.. What are we.. you.. going to tell him?"

"Well.." JJ started as casually as possible, burying her face further into Emily's chest and using the brief pause to formulate her answer. "He isn't home until tomorrow evening so I'll speak to him then. I'll just.. I guess I'll tell him the truth." Truth; that was such a strong word these days and one that was strangely dishonest - because the version of the truth that had naturally pieced together in JJ's conscious as soon as she spoke that sentence was full of omission and devoid of the honesty that she was certain that Will couldn't handle. "I mean, unless you don't want me to."

"I.." Emily half shook her head and sighed as she drew mindless patterns against JJ's back. "I'm not sure I get to decide what happens there. I mean.. he's a friend, but I didn't uphold my side of that friendship when I took his-" Her words ended abruptly. They both knew what she had taken, what they had both taken; it didn't need to be verbalised. And there was no ounce of self-pity in Emily's next words; just a surety. "My point is that you can tell him whatever you need to, and I will take whatever shit storm comes my way because I deserve it."

"Should I.. tell him the truth then?" JJ asked softly, uncertain what the truth even was anymore - or how much of that truth she really needed to divulge. She had every intention of leaving him, had in the very early hours of this morning too, but the fear wrapping around her oesophagus reminded her unequivocally that that intention was not enough. Even if she followed through.. there was still so much more. And aside from those things - those truths that she wasn't ready to disclose - what about Henry? How could she do this to _him_? How could she knowingly take away his happy home and replace it with something that even she knew was broken?

"I already said.. it really isn't up to me." The logistics of this were finally beginning to set in for Emily and she was starting to question how they really were going to make this work and conduct some kind of damage control to keep the broken lives to a minimum. "But.." She pushed JJ onto her back, brushing a strand of blonde hair from her forehead as she spoke again. "If it was me.. I'd tell him the truth. Lying always comes back to bite you in the ass in the end JJ, and.. don't we owe him honesty? Doesn't he _deserve_ to know?"

JJ swallowed - the brunette's words ringing painfully through her mind as though they had been intentionally spoken as some indirect message - and she felt safe in the knowledge that Emily could very easily misunderstand the tears in her eyes in this instant; because she too was beginning to recognise the logistics of the whole damn thing and it was nothing short of overwhelming. There was going to be no fairytale comforts when she uttered those words to Will; no fairytale ending when she shattered Henry's childhood; no fairytale justifications in this brutally real situation. It wasn't that she wanted to keep things from him, from Emily, she was just petrified of where that honesty would lead.. and she'd be lying if she said that she hadn't asked Emily the question simply so that she would talk her out of it; implore her to give her a distorted version of the truth. But why would she have ever said that when Emily didn't know the full truth herself?

And from that point, after easing the subtle traces of fear from Emily's eyes, JJ had spent that whole night wide awake; tracing the lines on the ceiling much like she had two nights ago. Only this time, the object of distraction that had kept her from sleep forty-eight hours ago was sleeping peacefully right beside her. It was exactly what she had wanted that Thursday night, and now that she had it, she couldn't help but feel like she was drowning.

It wasn't a bad feeling - it was an incredible feeling, actually. But the fear that came with it and the responsibilities that hadn't disappeared just because she had admitted that she had fallen in love somewhere along the way, overshadowed the moment. She should have been laid on her side, smiling as she watched Emily sleep and feeling entirely grateful that she was there and she was hers; but instead she was staring into nothing and chasing what ifs in her mind. She should have been allowing plans for their future and the knowledge that life was finally going to be exactly how it was supposed to be to carry her to her own peaceful slumber; but instead, she was suffocating under the weight a fear that long outdated the length of hers and Emily's relationship. She should have been mapping lines across every inch of Emily's skin, savouring the touch; but when she did just that, her fingertips came to raised scar tissue and she stopped abruptly.

Emily already had scars; scars that would haunt her forever and remind her of the pain inflicted upon her by others. Did she really need more? More pain; more scars, both mental and physical. She knew that the lines that her fingernails had left across Emily's naked back earlier that day would most definitely scar; something that Emily had almost seemed excited about at the time as she told her, "It will make a change to have a positive memory scrawled into my skin." It was a sweet and entirely logical sentiment, but when coupled with JJ's over-thinking mind, it wasn't sweet at all. All those scars were were more salt to the wounds that Emily would carry when her courage ran out - and it was disappearing fast. Then there were the other ones; the other scars. The ones that would be caused by indecision and fear.. and they would last a life time longer than any physical scar could. They'd run deeper and any fading would only be temporary, because as soon as Emily fell in love again, those scars would reappear as vivid as they were when they were inflicted; tormenting, torturous, an assurance that she would never trust again.

But her thought processes were like a freight train and that one notion ignited another within JJ. She didn't _want_ to be the reason that Emily lost her trust; she wanted to be the reason that she didn't regret regaining it after the scars that she already had had left their mark. She didn't _want_ Emily to love another; she wanted to feel her love for as long as the scars beneath her trembling fingertips existed. And she didn't want to be this afraid, this ignorant, not anymore; she wanted to love Emily in return for as long as she lived - love her like she deserved to be loved, not like she was being loved currently. Because that could barely be called love; it just wasn't right. Emily deserved a world more than that, a world more than lies, a world more than _her_. She deserved total and untainted honesty, and that was just something that she was far too afraid to give her right now.

She pulled her hand away, ignoring the existence of Emily's scars once again, just like she had that morning when she had seen them for the first time. But instead of that hand tearing out from beneath the comforter, a brief moment of courage pushed it wander it lower; to bypass a scarred abdomen and linger to trace soft lines above the brunette's pubic bone.

She was laid on her side now, studying Emily's face with sad, curious, loving eyes as her fingers explored soft skin like a newly discovered land – essentially it was. It was almost like sitting too close to an open fire - the heat was strong enough to evoke fear of being burnt, but welcoming enough to lure her closer still. Emily _was_ that fire, this whole situation was that fire, this very _moment_ was that fire; and she just couldn't bring herself inch closer, whether it was herself or that hand that had already wandered further than it had in the past. The temptation of witnessing the unconscious twitch of porcelain skin and the intense dark eyes that would meet hers when the brunette awoke to her fingers was so damn enticing.. but the other feeling, the suffocating fear, well that one doused the temptation inches from her fingertips and left her once more with an emptiness that consumed her, a guilt of inadequacy that shoved her back into the corner where she was certain that she belonged and caused any courage that she had felt to evaporate like it had never existed.

Which is why, when Emily opened her eyes to stare directly at her, she froze. For the longest moment, she was petrified.

"And just what do you think you're doing, Miss Jareau?" Emily spoke with a sleepy smile as she brushed her thumb across JJ's cheek.

The love in Emily's eyes was unmistakable, toned only by the faint twinkle of playfulness; and whilst that caused a little courage to return, a reminder that she was safe - it also caused her fear and guilt to rush in with a vengeance, and she crushed her lips to the brunette's with a strength that she didn't know she possessed. Her hands knotted in raven hair as desperate moans rolled off of her tongue and directly into Emily's mouth, as Emily's hands naturally found purchase at her hips, and she was helpless to her own leg that slipped between the brunette's and applied probably more pressure than necessary. But if the older woman's whimpers and the electricity that was sparking like a broken power line between them was anything to go by, that pressure wasn't unwelcomed - if anything, it was encouraged.

And it was. Emily was catapulted into an immediate state of arousal long before she had even opened her eyes, and now.. now she was entirely consumed. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't see; at least nothing but the fire that was dragging her further in. Her hands gripped tighter at JJ's hips as their tongues duelled and she couldn't help but grind herself against the thigh between her own. But when she moved to pull JJ on top of her, when she tried to softly coax the blonde to open her eyes, when she tried to find further gratification and contact from the already close movements.. JJ disentangled herself, turned away and pressed her back into her chest, and an entirely different kind of desire swept through Emily.

She was certain that she felt her own eyes turn black, almost like a vampire's, as she leant herself up on her right arm and pressed herself further into JJ's back. Her mouth latched onto an exposed neck instantly and sucked with abandon whilst her free hand abruptly lifted and bent JJ's left leg, her three fingers plunging into waiting heat without warning. There was no hesitation in any of it; it was primal, consuming, animalistic.

"Oh fuck.." JJ hissed as Emily's fingers stretched her so suddenly from behind, as her mind blurred and any memory of her guilt and fear both faded and heightened; faded enough to allow her to enjoy the bliss between her widely-parted thighs as she pressed her arse further into the fingers invading her, and acute enough to taunt her, to remind her that she wasn't deserving or capable of the kind of love that Emily had always so freely provided her. "Emily fuck.. fuck me harder.. please. I need you to-ungh.."

Emily did as requested, totally blinded by unadulterated lust combined with just enough love to drag her lips gently over the skin that she had just marked with her teeth, as she used her whole body to thrust her three fingers faster and deeper into JJ. "Like that?" She forced through her heavy, uneven breaths. "Is that how you want me to fuck you, baby?"

JJ was panting, broken whimpers falling so freely with each relentless plunge of Emily's exquisite fingers that it was a miracle that she was able to get one word out. "Yes! Just.. just like that.. Oh fuck, Emily.."

Her left hand gripped in raven hair as the other clutched the pillow beneath her, her hips thrusting back into Emily in perfect, violent unison; the combining sounds of disturbed, slick wetness and pain-fuelled - _pleasure_ -fuelled - whimpers rushing through the room and swirling around them like a tornado. Her mouth was slightly parted, the pain receptors in her mind sparking only briefly before they were extinguished with the most delectable feeling of her fast approaching orgasm. She had come more times than she could count today, but that didn't matter. She always wanted, craved, Emily, and that had never been more true than in this moment; with the brunette's fingers fucking her harder than they ever had, with a delicious mouth panting with exhaustion and arousal directly into her ear, with silky, soft yet sweat-slick hair clenched beneath her fingertips, with the older woman's whole body melded behind her almost protectively whilst at the same time being used for leverage to punish her further. And it was punishment in a way - that had been the whole point when she had initiated such a forceful position - punishment for allowing fear to prevent her from giving Emily what she deserved, what she wanted so badly to be able to give her.

But now.. now that she realised that this position held far more tender connotations than she had ever considered - now that she realised that those fingers that were fucking her mercilessly at her request were actually fuelled by genuine, unconditional love - the scream that tore from her lips as her orgasm ripped through her, once, twice, three times, both healed and condemned her.

She was so certain that she didn't deserve Emily's love, so certain that she didn't deserve tender love-making, and yet, in this moment, she had it. It was given freely in the soft lips still pressing gently against her sweat-slick cheek even after her orgasms had ebbed; in the fluid motion of Emily's body that had moved in perfect unison with her own as her climax had taken over; in the gentle fingers that thrust slowly, barely, just a few more times before smoothly withdrawing from inside her; and from the words that pour liked velvet from Emily's full lips..

"I love you." There was nothing but honesty in those breathy words. "I will always love you. No matter what."

Tears fell silently from JJ cheeks as she wrapped Emily's loving arms tighter around her waist; once again taking but not giving. She was certain that she could hear the cogs turning in Emily's brain, feel the questions that she was stopping herself from asking burning at her lips, almost taste the brunette's own fear. So she tried.. she tried the best that she could to ease that fear, to show Emily that no matter what - _no matter what else_ \- she did love her with everything she had. "I'm sorry for how we began, Emily." She replied softly. "I'm sorry. And I hope that we can end better than we started."

"I hope we never end.." Emily replied sleepily, truthfully.

"No, I mean.." JJ shook her head, feeling wholly ridiculous for saying exactly the wrong thing. How could she possibly prove to Emily what she meant to her when she was _still_ lying? "I just.. I want forever with you, Emily."

And it was with those words that both women drifted off to sleep; JJ clutching that fairytale sentiment to her chest like a comfort blanket. But little did JJ know, that Emily was thinking the very same thing – only where there were fairytales in her mind, there were nightmares in the brunette's.

_I want forever with you too. But I don't want forever like this. I want forever with who I fell in love with, not this person you've become._

**CM-CM-CM**

Six hours later, it was strangely not the early morning sun piercing through a slit in the curtains that woke JJ, but instead the feeling of that protective heat that had been wrapped around her all night disappearing as the sudden cold rushed in against her bare back. She shivered involuntarily before she became fully conscious and aware of the reason for that chill.

"Where are you going?" She muttered sleepily, her hand reaching behind her to grab Emily's arm before she herself turned, but what she saw in those dark eyes when she did seemed to simultaneously fill her with fear and courage.

Emily's eyes widened subtly. It seemed somehow crass to tell her lover that she was actually going to the bathroom to get herself off because all of this sex that rarely resulted in her own release was leaving her somewhat cranky - and it _was_ crass. She had been in and out of sleep all night, tormented by the ache between her thighs and the only reason that she was awake now was because that ache just would not quit and her dreams hadn't much helped either. But she would never say that to JJ, never - even if the mere premise of such a truth was yet one more nail in the reality coffin.

In amongst the copious amount of orgasms that she had eagerly brought JJ to since this had begun, there were only a handful of times that actually resulted in her own climax, and only one of those times had been at JJ's touch - when she had used her mouth back in Paris; something that Emily now realised was yet another nail to that coffin. The one that reminded her that this was beginning to look more and more like an experiment than love. JJ had never once touched her, not really. She hadn't explored her body like she herself had – except apparently when she was sleeping, if last night's heavenly wake-up was anything to go by. But that painful and ego-crushing realisation paled in comparison to the dark blue eyes that were staring at her expectantly, still waiting for an answer - an answer that she still wasn't certain of.

"Um, I.." Emily's jaw locked almost visibly, her eyes appearing suddenly vacant as she spoke her next sentence. "We should shower and then discuss how we're going to do this." She _had_ to shower - she knew that if she could still smell JJ on her skin, she would too easily give in to temptation and once again ignore the logistics of this whole fairytale.

But when JJ jumped up out of bed and sashayed her hips all the way to the bathroom, she knew that it would only be a matter of time before she fell powerless once again - and just as she thought, she blinded followed; pinning JJ to the wall in frustration as soon as the hot water descended against their naked skin. Her hands gripped firmly at trim hips, her lips leaving JJ's and trailing to a vein that throbbed and pulsed beneath tan skin. But JJ's next words thankfully snapped her from her flesh-desiring hypnosis.

"I take it back..."

"You take what back?" She questioned quickly, a moment of unrestrained fear flashing in her eyes.

"No, no.." JJ soothed instantly, running her thumb over the brunette's cheek to calm the fears that she had seen swirling in her dark chocolate orbs; somewhat angry at herself for once again causing that fear to make its presence known and she spoke one of the only honest things that she had in months. "Not that, Emily. I don't take that back. I will _never_ take that back."

"Okay.." Emily nodded believingly, ignoring the returning feeling in her gut as she reached for the shampoo and gently turned JJ; all thought of the passion that was there before discarded abruptly. Honestly, she didn't need JJ to have her back to her for her to massage the solution into her hair, but a part of Emily, somewhere deep down where her instincts met her heart, knew that she was doing it purposely so that she wouldn't have to see those blue eyes; those blue eyes that lie. "So what do you take back?"

JJ leaned into Emily, her eyes closed at the feeling of the brunette's fingers massaging her scalp. "What I said to Garcia about showers. Because showering alone could never compare to this." Before Emily was done, JJ turned in her arms and spoke more directly. "Could never compare to showering with you. Could never, ever, compare to you, at all."

Were those baby blues really liars? She genuinely didn't know anymore, because where she was certain that she'd see dishonesty, she actually saw nothing but sincerity - nothing but love – and when soft, pink lips met her own, she didn't protest in the slightest. Instead, she deepened the kiss, her breathing laboured and she was grateful for the gasp of air that JJ slipping away from her lips and dropping to her knees provided; and she was even more grateful for the further gasp that left her lips when that oh so skilled tongue dipped between the legs that she readily parted further.

And skilled, it certainly did seem, but JJ was petrified. She was doing this for Emily – doing this because she knew exactly what the look in Emily's eyes had meant that morning and she had realised that this was the one way that she was able to show the older woman that she was serious whilst hopefully too postponing certain truths a little longer. To most other people, sex was the easy part – to JJ, it was the most terrifying and in her warped logic, she was showing Emily with her mouth that this was real, that she would do anything to be with her, that she wasn't the liar that she was certain those dark eyes were beginning to realise that she was.

Emily, as oblivious as she was, braced her hands at the condensation-masked, glass shower doors, her eyes rolling back in her skull as JJ licked and licked; and when the blonde wrapped her lips around her clit, sucked for all she was worth and flicked her warm tongue against the bundle of nerves, she couldn't help tangling her fingers in golden hair and forcing the younger woman's mouth somehow closer – as if that was even possible.

She was somewhat disappointed when JJ stopped sucking, but the blonde's next move completely erased any sense of disappointment – it felt, quite simply, amazing. The ever-curious part of her brain tried to figure out exactly what JJ was doing with her tongue. She could feel the silky smooth underside of that tongue brush against her clit, but in an easy transition it was quickly replaced by the semi-rough topside, and repeated and repeated with complete fluidity and ease. Was she rolling her tongue? Flipping it? What the hell was she doing? But whatever it was.. doing all of that whilst at the same time sucking her into her mouth all served to form a feeling like none other that Emily had ever felt and she was powerless to the whimpers falling from her typically graceful, parted lips.

"Jay-Jay." The name broke as a gasp that was somehow brief and yet drawn out at the same time. Her chest heaved and she could barely make out any one of the emotions humming through her mind, her whole damn body. "Where did you.. oh fuck.. where did you learn to do that?"

JJ's heart warmed at the indirect phrase, her fear slowly erasing itself, and she pulled back and looked up at Emily with innocent eyes. "Party trick."

"Well it's.." Emily's head met the glass doors with a dull thud as JJ's mouth descended on her pussy once again to perform the same 'party trick' as before. "one hell of a… a party trick. Mnnnhh.. faster, JJ! Oh God, please faster."

And faster.. JJ certainly did. Right up until the point where Emily's thighs clamped tight around her cheeks, her fingers tangled tighter in her hair, her body grew rigid for the longest moment before thrashing hard between the shower door and her mouth, her cries filtering over the loud noise of the gushing shower; and then, with a gentle kiss to the very top of the brunette's inner thigh, with another to her lower abdomen, with another just below her belly button, JJ rested her forehead in defeat, just like the brunette had thirty-six hours ago.

The overwhelming feeling of Emily coming against her own ministrations was one that filled her chest with both courage and resignation; she _couldn't_ lie anymore and she whispered seven words that she didn't realise were just a moment too late. _I love you. Please don't forget that._ "I need to tell you something, Emily."

Emily's heavy lust-filled eyes paled instantly as she peered down at the swirls of blonde hair hiding the face that rested against her abdomen. But when she opened her mouth to speak, a loud knock at her front door stunted her words. "What d-.."

JJ's head shot up, immediately looking towards the bathroom door and in the general direction that the sound had come from, and her heart sank. She had been so ready, so ready to take that leap; but just as she stepped closer to the threshold, it disappeared from beneath her feet and took every last ounce of courage with it.

"I-I should get that." Emily stuttered hesitantly. In all honesty, she didn't want to 'get that'. She didn't care who was at the door. No part of her cared about anything other than the words that had been just about to leave Jennifer Jareau's mouth.. that mouth that had just done things that she had never felt before, but were now, she was certain, about to cause a different kind of feeling within her; one that she certainly had felt before but never wanted to again. And the profiler in her recognised why she was even leaving in an instant; a part of _her_ wanted to postpone the truth, too.

JJ sighed, leant back in resignation so that Emily could leave before pushing herself to her feet and watching the brunette disappear out of the bathroom.

Having semi-dried off and thrown on the first clothes that she had found, Emily darted down the stairs to catch the person at her door before they left. But as she reached for the door handle and swung it open, the sight that greeted her made her wish that she hadn't; made her wish that she hadn't left her bubble of ignorance where nothing made sense but everything worked.

"Oh, Emily." Will sighed in relief. "I know you must hate me right now for what I did to JJ and I know no amount of apologies will make up for cheating on her but please.. I'm fairly certain she's here and I really need to speak with her. Please, Emily."

Nope. She should have stayed in heaven.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: _Shampoo Suds and Broken Hearts_**

Emily blinked twice. Everything around her was still, silent; dead.

 _Over_.

Until those pleading, apologetic, naive eyes of William LaMontagne Jr pierced through her stunned haze and brought sound rushing back into her ears, colour back into her vision, and unwanted feeling back into her numbed body.

"Emily?" Will questioned with concern, his hand going out to rest against her arm as both an attempt to get her attention and comfort her through whatever had startled her. "Emily, are you okay?"

"I.. I'm fine." She shook her head. Fine? Really? She was far from fine, but truthfully, she didn't know what she was. Angry? Upset? Disappointed? Betrayed? Heartbroken? She had no idea, and before she really had the chance to process any one of the puzzle pieces that had just jumped so abruptly into her lap, she had already mindlessly gestured out a hand for Will to come inside. "JJ is-"

"Will?" JJ had ran for the stairs the moment that she had heard his voice, the moment that she had realised that her world was about to come crashing down in the worst kind of way, and now she just stood dumbfounded at the bottom of those stairs; shampoo suds still evident in her hair, a robe wrapped loosely around her naked form, her eyes wide in both anger and fear. "What the hell are you doing here? You're not supposed to be back until tonight."

"JJ.." Will rushed towards her. "I left my mom's early, I needed to see you. I needed to explain. Henry is with Garcia. I knew you'd be here because well.. she's your best friend. Where else would you go if you'd had your heart broken?" He looked down to the ground guiltily, his brow furrowing a little when he noticed for the first time the state of his girlfriend.

Emily was still rooted by the door, her senses coming back in broken waves and words and thoughts, all swooping together in her mind to form a suddenly clear picture; and that realisation made its way beyond her lips in a disbelieving, quiet whisper before she could stop it. "He _cheated_ on you? That's why.."

Will's head snapped up, taking note of the bubbles in JJ's hair before his eyes swiftly darted to Emily and the flecks of water still evident on her skin. Back to JJ and the red welted mark against her neck and then to Emily to see a distinct look of heartbreak on her face that he himself was beginning to recognise. Back to his girlfriend and the exposed skin beneath her robe.. _No, but.._ His eyes met JJ's innocent baby blues as uninvited clarity washed through him, the subtle traces of guilt in them focussing the picture in his mind so that there was no longer a blurred outline of possibilities, but a painfully clear truth. "You.. and.. and _her_?"

JJ's breathing shallowed considerably as cracks spread across her entire world like an long-ignored chip in a windscreen. She swallowed hard, dropped her gaze to the ground in a guilty gesture that Will had acted just moments before; a stuttering explanation trying to force its way from her trembling lips. "I-I can.. I can e-explain.."

"To who, JJ?" Emily was completely back in the present now and no part of her was prepared to make excuses for JJ, pretend for JJ; not this time. "To _him_ , or to _me_? Who is it that you have an explanation for?"

"For.." JJ looked from brown eyes to blue, then back from blue to brown like she was pleading for either one of them to save her from the mess that she had created. "For.. For both of you."

"I.." Will shook his head as he struggled to formulate a single, definitive thought, let alone a verbal sentence; did he really have the right to be angry? "Is this.. is this my fault? Is it because I kissed someone else?"

"No it's my-" _Wait, you only kissed someone else?_ The thought briefly crossed her mind like it mattered, but it didn't; not now. In fact, Will could have slept with an entire bus load of women and it wouldn't have mattered because he held a quality that she certainly hadn't in recent months: the ability to be honest and take accountability. "No, it isn't your fault, Will." She sighed in resignation and pulled Emily's robe tighter around her body. "It's.." Oh god, what had she done?

"It's _your_ fault, JJ. I believe that is what you were about to say." Emily snapped, immediately feeling like a fool. It wasn't just JJ's fault at all; it was her fault too. She had been a part of this, she was the one who had helped to break the heart of someone who was supposed to be her friend; she was just as guilty as JJ was, but she felt so fucking ridiculous that she couldn't manage anything but anger. How had she fallen for this?

Will laughed incredulously as he jumped from dazed to angry. "Really, Emily? You played no part in _fucking my girlfriend_?" He looked to the ceiling, unable to fully process what was happening before holding out his hands dismissively and storming passed Emily and out of the apartment. "Ya know what.. I can't do this."

"Will, no, wait!" JJ yelled as she ran after him, returning instantly when he disappeared at lightening-speed down the corridor, and instead ran upstairs to grab her clothes and car keys.

When she returned, Emily was still in the same spot, watching her with eyes that she couldn't read. They were shutting down, she could see that clearly; and all that remained where a few fleeting wisps of colour that depicted three emotions: disappointment, regret, _hate_. There's a very thin line between love and hate, and it killed her to witness the very moment that Emily crossed it; and after a moment, she purposely ducked her head and looked away as she squeezed by the brunette and ran from the apartment.

She weaved and wove and sped through more red lights than her job was worth to make it home before Will could disappear again, and when she burst through her front door, she found him sitting at the sofa – in the exact spot that her and Emily had fucked two nights ago. Because that's essentially what it had been. Looking to the coffee table, she noticed the two wine glasses still sat there half empty, lipstick on the rims just like Will now knew it to be on her collar. And all she could do was sit; sit opposite her boyfriend like she had with Emily, and try to find the right words that she had failed to grasp that night.

"Will-"

"How long?" Will's eyes met JJ's; they were hardened with a faint hint of anger in them that very rarely surfaced and those now grey eyes painted a whole new world of reality for JJ.

"Will, I-"

"I said how long, JJ?" His jaw locked. "How long have you been fucking _our_ friend right under my nose? _Before_ she _died_? Since she got back from the dead? Since when, JJ?"

"Before.." JJ whispered guiltily. "Before she.. before she left."

"So that's why.." Will's mind trailed off as he pieced everything together; memories of comfort and compassion flashing before his eyes mockingly. "That's why you were so broken all the time.. I mean, more than someone would be over losing friend. That's why I'd find you crying and why you'd murmur her name in your sleep. That's why you'd trawl her Facebook page every damn day like it was a shrine and why you'd-"

"Stop it!" She couldn't bear to hear any of it and she was one step away from pressing her hands to her ears like a child trying to block out their parent's argument. "Just. Stop."

"No, I won't. I just found out that my girlfriend's been sleeping with someone else behind my back. Another _woman_ , no less. I think I have a right to some answers, JJ."

And she knew that he did; he had every right to those answers. But as selfish as it was, _she_ didn't want to hear those answers and the knot in her chest was growing tighter by the second.

"Wait, did you.." Another thought crossed his mind." The trip to Paris right after she.. That wasn't a business trip at all, was it? You.. You _knew_ , didn't you?" Realisation dawned on him that he hadn't been nursing his girlfriend through grief; he'd been nursing her through a broken heart and he fought the urge to throw up. "You knew that she was alive because that's the whole reason you went there, as her handler. And you were miserable that you had to come back and be stuck here with me?" He laughed incredulously before looking JJ square in the eye. "Tell me, JJ. How long did you spend _fucking_ her before you said goodbye? Hm? Hours? Days? The whole three days you were gone?"

JJ didn't know which question to answer first, or if she even should at all. Her fingernails dug into the cushion of the sofa and she bit the inside of her lip enough to draw blood, finally looking up to meet Will's eyes once it did and attempting to start from the beginning - a beginning that was actually somewhere in the middle if she thought about it properly. "I was attracted to her long before I met you."

"Wow.." Will scoffed and sank back against the cushions; no longer certain that he wanted to hear this.

But JJ continued anyway, choosing to ride the honesty train as far as she could before it ran out of fuel. "I didn't know it at the time. There was no reason that my mind would have even thought that far considering I've spent my whole life straight but I.. I know now. I've always been attracted to her."

"So what _changed_ , JJ?" Will leant forward, his eyes pleading for her to inject some sense into the mess in his mind. "Surely there must have been a part of you that wanted me and only me, otherwise why would we have spent the past four years living together? Why would we have a _child_ together?"

Now there were two questions that she shouldn't answer honestly; because honesty in that regard meant admitting to herself just how much of an awful person she really was, and a non-answer passed her lips before she had the chance to realise that that was technically a lie too. "I did love you, Will. I _do_ love you. I just.. I fell in love with her. That's what changed. I fell in love with someone else."

Will's heart broke completely in two, but for the first time, he had to admit that none of this was news to him. I mean, it was; it really was. But at the same time, it was familiar. He'd seen it in her teary eyes as he rocked her back to sleep; he'd seen it in the way that she'd never look at him when they had sex; he'd seen it in the subtle diversion of sad blue eyes each and every time Emily's name was mentioned. And what he wouldn't admit to himself then was what he couldn't deny in this moment: she had been touched by someone else, loved by someone else, in ways that he would never accomplish, no matter how hard he tried.

JJ studied the heartbroken man opposite her, the man who she had indeed lived with for the past four years and suddenly a fog lifted. It was almost like she had been lost at sea, flailing and making the situation worse by kicking and splashing; but now that that fog had gone, and she could see that all around her were boats and islands, a part of her didn't even want to swim to safety – because she didn't deserve that safety. Everything over the past fourteen months just wasn't her; she would never do what she had done to her boyfriend, her child, Emily – and yet she had. _She_ had done that, and for the first time, she truly allowed herself to hate herself for it. Will's next question though, snapped her from her hole of self-pity and nudged her further in the direction of honesty – even if that honesty would mean opening a box that had been forced closed for thirty-two years.

"Did you.. In our bed?"

"No." JJ responded instantly. "No, that didn't happen."

"Would it have?"

She opened her mouth to say no, but when she thought about that Friday night, she realised that she couldn't. She was done lying, and if Emily hadn't disappeared that night, she couldn't truthfully say that she wouldn't have taken her to bed with no care for how crass such a move would have been. "Yes."

Will took the admission on the chin; simply grateful that he was finally getting some honest answers, but whilst that honesty was being freely given, questions were flying at him from all angles. "What about in the house at all? Did anything happen here at any point?"

Her stomach clenched and she couldn't help the giveaway eyes that dropped to the very couch that Will was sitting upon; a nuance that was clearly read as the detective jumped to his feet and looked at her in disbelief.

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Will spoke strangely calmly before pacing. "I.. I.. I can't do this. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this. I need to-"

"Eleven months ago!" JJ practically yelled, cutting him off; giving an answer to a question that he had probably forgotten that he'd asked, almost like she was retelling the story to find her own answers. "It was fourteen months ago that I first truly questioned my relationship with Emily, but it was eleven months ago that we first.." She sighed and leant her elbows on her knees. "It was the night that we got back from the case in Chicago and you.. You called and I told you we were going to be a while wrapping up paperwork." She met Will's eyes with trepidation as she admittedly quietly. "We weren't. I was with Emily."

Will's face paled considerably and he mindlessly sat down on the couch once more before remembering again and darting up, moving to the one seater to his left. He rubbed a strong hand over his face as the very memory of that night painted itself vividly across the walls of his mind. "JJ.. You came home to me that night. It was the same night that I had planned to propose. Only I didn't because when you finally made it home, you didn't give me chance. You.." Tears burnt at his eyes and he tried to blink them away. "You allowed me to.. no, you _begged_ me to, make love you. JJ, you let me do that while _she_ was still on you!"

"I know, I know." JJ sobbed. "I know, and I am so sorry. I didn't intend for any of this. I didn't intend to hurt either of you I just.. I needed to.." _I needed you to make it not true. I needed you to fix me.._ Her chest heaved as she fought against the words simmering there; the ones bubbling and threatening and consuming - the ones that had been bubbling and threatening and consuming for as long as she could remember. Until, with her hand clutched to her chest, she lost the fight. "I'm not supposed to be gay, Will!"

His eyes shot up. There was something in her last sentence that told him that there was far more to this than being confused about whether she wanted him or another person; far more than the typical complications that come with any infidelity. No, this was about so much more than that. "What's that supposed to mean? You're _not_ gay, JJ. Just because slept with one.." Suddenly everything made sense. Memories were attacking him from every corner of his mind; memories that were once held fondly but were now painted in such an excruciatingly clear light that it blinded him. "Wait, you.. You _are_ , aren't you?"

Her teary eyes were wide, her heart hammering in her chest, her lips still parted from the last word that had jumped from them; until she swallowed and looked down at her fidgeting hands. "Freshman year.. My cousin called. He.." She sighed. "He had to fly half way across the country before he could admit that he was gay and my family didn't talk to him for months after that. And even when they did, it was.. different, ya know?" She looked to Will for an answer and dropped her gaze again when all she found was barely ebbing anger. "My granddad shook his hand at Christmas. _Shook his hand_ , because he couldn't bare the idea of having a gay grandson. My gran said nothing, his own mother ignored it like it wasn't even reality. I'd hear them talking quietly at family meals, hushed tones that didn't remotely hide their anger as they tried to figure out how to _fix the situation_. Which _camp_ would be better suited to his _problem_. What they could have possibly done wrong to deserve this when they had taught him the Lord's word and done nothing but encourage him down the right path." The tears in her eyes burnt as she remembered all that her cousin had gone through, and all that she could have done to show him that he wasn't alone if only she had been brave enough. "How could I.. How could I tell them that I.." A lump formed in her throat that held every painful memory that she had experienced in her younger years, that _he_ had experienced in their younger years, and every encounter that had lead her to do things simply to keep up her facade. "How could I tell them after that?"

"So you _used_ me.." Will spoke, his pain clearly evident in his voice. This was a whole different ball game – it wasn't just an issue of his girlfriend cheating anymore, it was an issue of his girlfriend cheating in a game that she didn't even play. "You used me as a pawn in your pretend heterosexual life. For all this time, JJ! And you _knew_. You knew all along that you had no interest in me, in any man, and yet you allowed me to build a _life_ with you. You allowed me to imagine our _future_ together and you _pretended_ that you wanted that future too."

"No. Will.. it isn't that simple." JJ bit her lip once again as the tears flooding her eyes overflowed and trickled down her cheeks. She shook her head; after thirty-two years of shrouding herself under the blanket of denial, this moment was all so surreal that she didn't even know where to begin. The flood gates had been opened but something told her that Will wasn't the one who should be hearing those confessions. "It isn't that simple. It got to the point where I'd blocked it out so much that I really began to believe that it _was_ a phase. I convinced myself that I was straight and.. And I _truly_ believed that." Her eyes drifted to Will's so that he could see the sincerity in them. "And I really did, Will. Until.."

Will nodded knowingly, his anger fading somewhat into nothing more than a burst of air that held his defeat. "Until you met Emily."

"But even then I.." JJ continued, feeling semi-brave. "Even then I didn't really know. I didn't recognise the feelings that I got when I first saw her, because it had been so long since I'd felt them." She saw the pain flicker in Will's eyes at those words but she knew that nothing that she could say would ebb them; nothing that was truthful, at least. "I truly never intended for any of this, Will."

And for the first time since he had bustled into Emily's apartment earlier that morning, Will genuinely believed that. It didn't take the pain away, it didn't fix the shattered state that was his heart at that moment, and it didn't change the fact that he had been forced to live a lie for the past four years; but he did believe that she was sorry, that she hadn't done this intentionally, that sometimes fear was the most powerful of all emotions especially when that fear is instilled by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. "So.. what now?"

"I really don't know.." JJ laughed humourlessly, shaking her head. She'd taken the first step in fixing the mess that she had created, even if she had been _forced_ to take that step; but there was still no light at the end of the tunnel. She still had no clue or direction as to how to dig herself out. But she knew that there were going to be no loving hands to pull her out this time; she had to figure this out for herself. "I told Emily two nights ago that I was going to leave you.. That was when I thought that you'd slept with someone else and I was a coward. It was the perfect excuse that I needed to make this somehow not _my_ fault. And now.." She sighed. "Well, now I'm not sure that I should be around either of you."

"Probably not." Will agreed; another more important thought crossing his mind in a second. "What about Henry?"

JJ's eyes flooded again at the mention of her son's name; the tears bursting out suddenly and the sound that accompanied them was enough to break Will's heart even further. He was hurt, but that didn't mean that she wasn't too. Was anyone really free of hurt in all of this?

"Jayje, I'm.." He sighed in disbelief at himself. "I'm not going to take him away from you. I'm not going to do that."

JJ somehow smiled through her tears, accompanied by a short laugh that really shouldn't have been there. "Why not? I lied and I cheated, you'd had every right to drag me through the family courts as a bad mother for this. Why wouldn't you do that to me?"

"Because I'm not your family." He spoke honestly and solidly. He had no clue what she was going through, had gone through for all these years, but he did know that whatever he was feeling right now was nothing compared to what she must have felt each and every time that she denied who she really was. That was punishment enough; he didn't need to add insult to injury. "You were scared, and with good reason. And I'm not going to punish you for something that's beyond your control." A part of him felt like he was being a push over, but for the most part, he simply wanted to keep his son away from inevitable negativity as much as possible. He himself had watched his parent's bitter separation when he was younger - he didn't want that for Henry too. No, they were going to do this differently and it was going to work because nothing and no one was more important to him in this world than his boy. "We'll work something out but.. I'm not coming back, JJ. So please. You _need_ to stop lying and actually take steps to facing the truth. _Please_.." He made eye contact with her to show his sincerity. "Please don't choose denial again and try to drag me back into this game because.. I can't do it. I can't live a lie. Even if it means that I get to live that lie with you." He looked down at his suede boots and spoke in defeat. "I love you too much to be able to do that. I love Henry too much to allow _him_ to do that."

The words resonated with JJ right through to her core as she realised that, had she been here, if she had any clue, Emily would be telling her the exact same thing. How could she expect her to live a lie? How could expect any of them to live _her_ lie? She couldn't, and there was her light at the end of the tunnel; the one that would guide her through this. "I won't. I won't.. do that. I promise."

"Good." Will pushed himself to his feet, entirely unsure what to do with himself. "Well I.. I guess I should get my things together. I'll stay in a hotel until I can figure something else out. Do you need me to collect Henry, or-"

"No. I mean.. no, you don't have to go. We have a guest room. You can stay in there, or I can." Her eyes widened a little when she realised that Will probably didn't want to be around her at all. "Or I can stay in a hotel. You shouldn't have to leave because of what _I_ did so I can-"

"JJ, I may be hurt, but I'm not going to toss you out on the streets." Will sighed as he moved to plan B; the plan that would likely be more painful for him but would hopefully be less painful for Henry. "I'll go collect Henry and I'll take the guest room for a while, just until we figure out how we're going to make this work."

JJ nodded, her eyes focused on the sleeve of her hoody that she had pulled over her fingers. She didn't deserve this, and yet for some reason she had it. She was so certain that she was nothing but evil, and yet she was surrounded by love. How was that possible when the very reason that this had happened in this first place was because she had been so convinced that no one would love her if they knew the truth? "Thank you, Will."

"Don't thank me yet, JJ." Will spoke honestly as he pulled on his jacket. "Things are about to get a whole world more difficult for you."

And they were. My god, they were.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine: _Six Degrees of Compartmentalisation_**

It had been six hours, and it had taken almost all of those hours for Emily Prentiss to reach this old familiar state of stoic detachment.

_The urge.._

First there had been something that she had come to blows with only a few times in her life, and had ironically vowed each time to avoid anything that would cause her to endure such a feeling ever again: that overwhelming, mind-body-soul controlling, vomit-inducing urge to fight, to grip tight hold of the cause by any means necessary before it disappears out of your life and forces the next step into play.

_Twisted logic.._

But she resisted that urge and instead found herself at the door of something similar: that point where the consuming feeling has not quite gone, but it has instead budged over a little to allow room for logic. So instead of chasing JJ out of her building and losing all dignity in a show of angry slurs and sobbing pleas, she had dragged her feet over to the sofa and spent the next two hours figuring out just how she could make this work; how she could justify what the blonde had done and at the same time, win back that moment of pure happiness that she had felt when she had opened her eyes yesterday morning. And having searched and explored for reasons that would vindicate everything that had ripped out her heart, and actually settled upon a few ideas that, with a little ignorance on her own part, would work; the next step washed through her like a cool compress on 105 degree Summer's day.

_Hope.._

She didn't realise it at the time – that this was the most deadly step in all of this - because it felt so fucking wonderful, so damn incredible that she actually, genuinely smiled. Smiled a content smile that justified her own lack of care for the man who had just caught his girlfriend cheating, because for a moment, she honestly believed that that cheating girlfriend would come back to _her_ in the end; and she felt a warmth in her chest that masked the deceptive twinkle in the eye of her new mentality. But before she could truly bask in it, that hope slipped from her grasping hands like a delicate, priceless heirloom as the look that JJ had given her, or rather refused to give her, before she had left - the one that told her unequivocally that even if her love _was_ real, sometimes fear was far stronger than love - flashed before her eyes; and it smashed to the ground and shattered into thousands of tiny shards that each reflected the same thing..

_Reality.._

It didn't matter what JJ felt. It didn't matter what _she_ felt. What mattered was that she, Emily Prentiss, and her, Jennifer Jareau, had both deceitfully combined forces to create something dangerously tempting and beautifully intense that someone else was currently paying for; and the flash of pain in Will's eyes as the truth had hit him was only a tiny speck of dust in the long, winding trail of destruction that they had carelessly left in the wake of their selfishness. It didn't matter what fairytale feelings lingered between the two of them, or what promises JJ had made to her over the past two days, or what promises she herself had silently made in return; because none of it had been hers to take in the first place. And yet she had. They both had. But they couldn't have helped it, could they? They couldn't have just ignored..

_Love.._

It had been said in anger and frustration the first time, in an act of desperation the second, but that didn't make it any less truthful – she really did love JJ, and it really was that fairytale kind of love that people write romance novels about. It was slightly unconventional with a hint of selfishness, but it was real. The feelings that she held for Jennifer Jareau were as real as the sofa that had held her through this journey of self-discovery for the past several hours. She loved her carefree laugh; she loved the full mouthed grin that was just subtle enough to always leave her feeling that it was only for her; she loved the way that she wouldn't make eye contact with her, would look anywhere else but directly at her, as she shared things that she could tell that she had never shared with another; she loved the way that her heels clicked against the steps to the conference room when a bad case had came in, the way that those heels belied how tiny she really was; she loved her scent, the one that had been a bittersweet drug to her over the years as she had fought between ignorance and the desire to turn and press her lips to the woman leant over, explaining something in a case file that she really wasn't paying attention to; she loved her hands, those fingers that looked like they had been sculpted out of heaven as they fisted in her silk sheets; and those eyes, those blue eyes that held secrets and dreams and truths and..

_Lies.._

The lies that she would gladly tell herself to get through this made no pretense for what they were as every single one of the stages that she had wandered through already banded together and that, in moderation, each formed the ultimate and final part of this process. The urge was now no more than a niggle that was easily shrugged away with a reminder of ' _if it's meant to be.._ '; logic was the light above her head, the one that was the glue to this final step; hope brushed a comforting thumb over her cheek and reassured her that it was still there, that it was okay to be selfish to Will's feelings because we all had to lose at some point; reality was questionable at best now and barely even put up a fight against the fairytales that helped her to carry Jennifer Jareau to the compartment in her brain where she would remain until the time was right; love was the thing that reminded her and at the same time, was solely responsible for the tears swirling in her eyes even as she laid this to rest; and the lies.. Well, the lies would be what she told herself, what would carry _her_ until she could find her way back to the totally numb state that she had grown to despise in herself over the years, but right now, craved.

And carry her, they would; as she jumped seemingly without transition into a world where JJ didn't exist, ignoring what she felt for her, what she had always felt for her, play-acting that this had all been a nothing experience that wouldn't be missed.

But there was one lie that she told herself that was relying far too much on the ignorance necessary to pull it off: that she wouldn't take JJ back, not for anything, not even if she turned up at her door again tonight and declared feelings of love once more, not even if she cornered her at work tomorrow or the next day and told her that her and Will were truly over, not even if she called her at 3am and gave her more hope.. Because moderation really was the key to this, and much more hope would cause those perfectly organised compartments of her mind to fall into complete disarray.

Hope really is a terribly deceptive thing, but for now, she was happy to lie to herself about that too.

But when she climbed beneath her sheets that evening, everything changed. There was still an indentation where JJ had slept, writhed, faint traces of make-up on the pillow and a distinct mixture of the scent of sex and intoxicating perfume everywhere; invading her nostrils and turning her stomach like something putrid until she jumped up out of bed, ripped those sheets from the mattress like they had burnt her skin and tossed them out of the room.

She didn't want it. She didn't want the reminder of the fact that she had done the one thing that both her personal life and her professional life relied on her to not do: she had naively let down her guard. But as she turned from the haphazardly piled memories dumped outside of her bedroom door, they followed her gaze right through to her room; JJ's scent may have been gone but her touch wasn't, her taste, the enthralling expression when she came. Hallucinations flashed in various parts of her bedroom, dancing across the walls and playing out like some liberal Disney movie; smiles that shouldn't have been there, promises that were never intended to be kept, the soft brush of skin on skin that may as well have held thousands of miles between.

So she cleaned. Since her whiskey and sex escapism days were over - something that could also be attributed to JJ - Emily cleaned. She cleaned until her hands were raw with chemical burns; until there wasn't one spec of dust in her bedroom, her bathroom; until JJ's scent was replaced with Lysol and bleach; until she had sang her way through every song on her iPod with each scrub; until everything sparkled and glistened and looked so incredibly new but..

It made no damn difference. Those images that she had painstakingly scrubbed away now seeped through the ivory paintwork like blood; not even the images from the past two days, but some that hadn't even taken place in her apartment and had no place being there. The good ones; the ones that contradicted all of this.

To her left, by the window, there was a smaller hand resting against her own, concerned loving eyes holding her together with strength that she could never even dream to possess; and as her character in this movie stormed away, there was that small hand again, grabbing her arm and pulling her back, gentle yet serious words telling her, "You don't have to do this." That was the day that she had almost left, quit her job because of Strauss' political games. She had barely been there five minutes, had barely known JJ for five minutes, and yet in thirty seconds, that woman had shown a genuine care that made it so fluid for her to easily let down her guard that had been an integral part of her for as long as she could remember.

An echoing laugh somewhere to her right stole her attention; one that depicted both a haze of slight intoxication as well as genuine contentment. She couldn't make out the conversation that they were having, but the vibrancy of JJ and the innocent eyes that lingered on her almost made her seem like a child; carefree, and it had been amazing to see the blonde in such a free-spirited setting when, until that point, she had very rarely seen anything other than a seriousness in her eyes that comes naturally with their profession. She somewhat remembered falling asleep some time after that; the ease in JJ's eyes and the comfortable shoulder to her left providing her with her own relaxation that she hadn't felt in years. And she somewhat remembered, too, waking up to those same eyes, the babbling apology on her own lips a mere formality because those eyes, those blue eyes.. they told her that there was no need to apologise before she even had, as well as something else that she was too afraid to even hope for: future opportunities for this very moment.

To her bed beyond the threshold of her bathroom door, where an image with a Parisian backdrop unfolded. Where two small hands clasped at her cheeks, two heavy blue eyes held her gaze, two bodies combined as one and moved at a pace as fluid as the Seine River that flowed beyond the gold-trimmed window of the hotel room, directly below the balcony in a world that may as well have not existed. To the words that she saw swirling in unguarded, blue eyes and the ones that she abruptly stopped herself from saying as reality rushed back and reminded her what the moment truly was: a goodbye. And then to the now glossy, heartbroken eyes that she knew were boring into her back as she burned a bridge that she couldn't progress without and disappeared into the past.

Her gaze jumped over by the shower, to the small hands that cradled a porcelain mug of steaming coffee and fearful eyes that were bravely lead by trembling lips that spilled secrets and begged for trust. Back to the door, and the new image of an embrace that lingered as she took off on vacation and the text message that she had received shortly after she had left that told her that she would be missed: _You better come back, Prentiss_. Out into her bedroom again and the slim shoulders that shrugged as she asked - long before their friendship had shifted to something more than platonic - about a certain New Orleans detective new to JJ's life, and the blase response of, "Yeah, he's a good guy." To both rooms that somehow fell dark but illuminated around hundreds of honest, caring faces that held genuine, loving eyes that trained themselves on her from across crowded rooms, spoke volumes as conversations hummed on around them, made promises to protect her without her even asking for that trust and loyalty.

And as each ever-soothing smile attacked her from every angle, she slumped down on her bathroom floor in defeat and came to the realisation that she had to put a stop to this; a real, definitive stop to this. If mentally distancing herself wasn't an option - as it clearly wasn't - she had to get as far away from JJ as physically possible; because it was too real. She wasn't naive in many things - in anything really - and yet she was wholly certain that she had seen genuine love in JJ, genuine dreams for their future, just pure.. honesty. But if that was so, how had things wound up this way? If she had been so certain once upon a time that JJ was the most caring person who she had ever met, how could it be now that she was the most manipulative? How could she justifiably do a job that required her to read people when she had gotten Jennifer Jareau, someone whom she had worked with for six years, so wrong?

She couldn't; not anymore. Not here.

It was time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten: _All in a Weekend_**

It had been awkward. So damn awkward. There really was no other word to describe it. Tiptoeing around Will like that morning hadn't happened, like _none_ of it had happened, and pretending to be a happy family for Henry's sake; whilst at the same time trying to find the right words that they were both desperate to avoid was just so.. _awkward_. It was exhausting, and that is why she was partially grateful when Monday morning rolled around and she could escape that prison for nine hours. Grateful _and_ terrified - because the trade-in was essentially just another prison; one with much less freedom when she really thought about it. Working with profilers was wearing in itself, and it was days like these that she despised her job. Why couldn't she have just stuck with the menial desk job that she had dreaded every single day before she had joined the BAU, but where her thoughts and feelings were able to remain her own without being 'accidentally' stolen by her colleagues? But then, Emily wouldn't be there..

Emily who she still hadn't spoken to. Not one word, not one text; nothing. She felt like that would be somewhat insulting, to both Will and Emily herself, and almost found it funny that Will had prompted her just last night to call the brunette. Was that her life now? With her boyfriend – or ex-boyfriend – encouraging her like a best friend to call her lover? How had that happened? It was all so much to wrap her mind around after spending so long under the cloak of ignorance, and even without that, she still had no clue what to say to Emily. What? That because she had allowed her fear to keep her hidden her entire life she had messed up _their_ future? Yeah, right. No, Emily was never going to find that out – because as soon as the words were uttered, it would become nothing but an excuse, and she didn't want excusing for the mess that she had caused. She didn't deserve that redemption.

And now.. Now she was trapped behind a rapidly flapping jaw; with twenty thousand overbearing questions being fired at her that she didn't even hold one answer to, and as she blinked furiously with each inquiry, her mind twisted and twisted and twisted and twisted until..

"Garcia, stop!"

The bubbly woman's mouth hung open mid-word, her eyebrows raised in astonishment as she fell stunned to the wide blue eyes and the pink flushed cheeks of the woman before her. JJ never yelled like that. JJ very rarely got angry at all, or spoke out of turn, and she certainly never did so with her. Which told her one thing.. "This is real, isn't it, pumpkin?"

JJ's angry eyes softened significantly and glossed with tears as she nodded slowly. "It's real. It's real and I wish that it wasn't."

"Oh, honey." She reached out one of her hands for JJ's, the other brushing fallen blonde hair behind the younger woman's ear. "Was I wrong about Emily? Did she break your heart?"

"No.." JJ sniffled with a small shake of her head; her eyes refusing to meet Garcia's. "I broke my own heart." God, this was such a mess. It was almost like having been in a coma for fourteen months and waking to an apocalypse - only that coma had been her own denial, and that apocalypse was the explosion of pain and betrayal that she had witnessed so vividly in Will's and Emily's eyes over the past twenty-four hours.

Garcia studied the young profiler for a moment. She didn't remotely resemble the woman who she had come to know over the past several years, and she couldn't help but feel a little resentment towards Emily. Even if JJ had just told her that Emily had done nothing wrong, that wasn't _technically_ true, and the blonde was perfectly fine until all of this had started. Wasn't she? "Would you like me to get her fired for like.. harassment of fraternisation or something? 'Cause I can totally-"

"Garcia, it isn't her." JJ shook her head calmly; finally meeting her friend's eyes when her own hardened to the tears that she had no right to display and a look of pure disbelief etched itself across her face. "Why do people always assume that I'm this delicate, innocent, lovely person?"

Garcia smiled with her eyes, her top lip slipping over her bottom one. "Because you _are_ , sweetie. Don't you believe that?"

"No!" JJ laughed incredulously. "How could I _possibly_ believe that when in the past sixty hours I've had sex with a _woman_ on the sofa in the house that I share with my _boyfriend_. I've appeared at her door at 5am and told her that I'm so madly, head over heels, write-home-to-mom in love with her and that I'm going to _leave_ that boyfriend. I've been _caught_ by that boyfriend having an affair with a woman who also happens to be his friend. I've _split up_ with that boyfriend and placed Henry in a single parent family. And I've not spoken to the woman who I did all of this for since Sunday morning when that good man, that _great_ man, walked into her apartment to apologise for cheating himself, only to find out that what he had done paled terribly in comparison to what his oh-so delicate, oh-so innocent, oh-so lovely girlfriend had done. Oh!" She threw up her hands as the kicker crossed her mind. "And to make things just that _little_ bit more amazing, that now ex-boyfriend told me just last night that I _really should talk to Emily._ " Her eyes were wide and her chest almost heaving by the time that she stopped. _"_ Am I still the sweet and innocent person that everyone thinks I am, Garcia?"

"You did all that in one weekend?" Garcia raised a stunned eyebrow as a puff of air burst from her pink lips. "Wow, it's like you live in a soap opera or something."

"You're telling me.." JJ laughed softly; her guilt returning with a vengeance and she looked down at her fumbling hands and spoke honestly. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Garcia." She'd been so determined when she went to bed last night and yet during the eight hours that she had been asleep, she had somehow managed to turn around and head right back in the direction that she had come.

"Well, gumdrop." Garcia scooted further forward on her chair; lifted the blonde's chin and separated her fumbling hands. "First of all, if this genuinely is all _your_ fault, you're going to stop feeling sorry for yourself." Studying her face like a mom trying to fix up their kid before their family photos were taken, Garcia tucked blonde hair behind JJ's ears and swept away her tears with her thumbs. "Secondly, you're going to answer a couple questions. Do you think you can do that?"

The unapologetic way in which Garcia had lead the moment left JJ unable to say no, and right now, she was open to anything that might return some of the clarity that her career relied upon - that the current state of her personal life was relying on. "I-I can try."

"That's all I ask of you, Casanova." Garcia nodded before leaning back in her chair; narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips as she contemplated the first question. "Okay, so.. Considering Will's face when he picked up Henry on Sunday afternoon, I'm assuming that he didn't take finding you shacked up with Emily all too well. But, he's a good guy," – she purposely ignored the _thanks_ expression on JJ's face – "so I know that he hasn't given you your marching orders. What's happening there?"

"He hasn't." JJ shook her head, looking briefly to her hands and back up again. "He's staying in the spare room for now until we figure out what's going to happen. I told him that I could and would leave, but he wouldn't have it."

"Of course he wouldn't. Do you think you guys are gona work it out? And more than that, Jayje.. do you _want_ to work it out with him? I'd say that I'm guessing you wouldn't have cheated if you were genuinely happy in your relationship, but I know it doesn't work that way. Sometimes desire can leave us questioning the happiness we hold elsewhere."

"That isn't an option." She stated flatly, ignoring the implications in Garcia's words that Emily had been nothing more than a mistake born from a combination of pure lust and temporary blindness - she'd answer that unspoken question later. "Even if I wanted that, he told me that he's.." She paused abruptly, nervous to speak her next words because they weren't just words at all - they were truths that she had been trying to convince herself were a lie her entire life and yet they had been a constant fixture of the past twenty-four hours. And when she finally did speak, her voice was shaky with a hint of distaste that was more directed at herself than Will. "He told me that he _'couldn't be a pawn in my pretend heterosexual life'_ , because he loves me too much.."

"Wait.." Garcia shook her head in confusion. " _Pretend heterosexual life_? It's 2011, does he not realise that it is entirely possible to have sex with someone of the same sex without being gay?"

JJ looked up slowly, chewing the inside of her lip as she met her friend's eyes and spoke almost inaudibly. "Not when he knows that I'm not at all straight.."

"Woah, woah.." She shook her hand in front of her face when the admission set in. "So.. So, wait.. not only are your feelings for Emily real, but they're.. _real_ , real?"

JJ chewed the inside of her cheek again; the soft, moist skin hardening into a welcomingly painful lump with each bite, and nodded her head quickly in response.

Garcia was stunned; it was one thing to find that her very female, very stereotypically girly, very _straight_ friend had been having an affair with Emily Prentiss, but she had just assumed that it was somewhat similar to what she had experienced in college. No part of her had thought that this was actually far bigger than the affair itself, and that actually, JJ had been fighting these feelings for.. "How long?" She questioned softly.

"Uh, my whole life.." JJ stated obviously. "Isn't that how this gay thing works?"

"Well.." Garcia shrugged, momentarily wondering how she could be more clued up on being gay than her apparently very gay friend. "If you could answer that question, Jayje, you'd be a very wealthy woman." When JJ frowned, she expanded on her statement. "Okay, take my best friend for example.. _my best friend out of **work** -_" she clarified in a high-pitched tone when JJ shot a hurt look her way, "-the one I told you about from college. She's been gay her whole life, made no pretense otherwise and well.. it's just who she is, ya know. But then there's people like my other best friend – _you_ -" - she pointed a glittery-polished finger in JJ's direction - "- who somehow just.. didn't know right away. It just sorta comes to them when they meet the right person, I guess."

JJ looked down at the index finger picking furiously at her thumbnail, pressed her sweaty palms together as her voice lowered to not much more than a whisper. "I really did know my whole life, Garcia."

"Your _whole_ life?" When JJ nodded, Garcia's voice and her baffled expression softened. "Oh honey, how did I not know this?"

"No one knew this." JJ shrugged. "Because I really didn't want them to. I didn't even want to admit it to myself so.. So I didn't. I just.. convinced myself that the feelings I had were nothing."

 _Wow.. you really weren't joking about this being your coming-out story, were you.._ Garcia's eyes saddened as she realised everything that her friend must have gone through in order to keep up this pretense. How could someone get to thirty-two years old and still be in the closet, when they've always known somewhere deep down that they're really not supposed to be in there? She herself wore who she was on her sleeve daily - literally. She painted it on the walls of her apartment and decorated her office with it; and the only time that she had ever pretended to be someone else was when she was trying to fill JJ's very big shoes. But that had lasted all of two hours until Morgan had abruptly put a stop to such idiocy; she couldn't even imagine doing that every day for her entire life, and doing it seemingly so well. "But, Jayje.. How did you.. How did you possibly.."

"It got easier to pretend." JJ answered the unfinished question. "When you're certain that something is normal, it becomes very easy to follow the beaten path and not even consider veering off course. I mean.. My first time.." Her shoulders curled uncomfortably at the memory and she forced her shaking hands to still as an awkward smile tugged at her lips. "It was.. _awful_. I cried afterwards and ran from his car like it was on fire. But that reaction just left me more determined, and each sexual encounter after that became.." She let out a slow breath as her eyes fixed on something on the far side of the room. "Almost like an act, I guess. I suppose I just learnt to make the right moves, the right sounds and pretend that I wasn't wishing that.." She let her words trail off and her eyes flooded with new tears as she remembered every time that she had had sex with a guy and imagined that his eager touch was that of her college roommate, or the girl who she saw every morning at the coffee shop, or the manager from the restaurant that she worked at to subsidise her university scholarship, or..

And then she thought about every time that Will had made love to her, and every time that she had wished that, even for just one moment, she could have that with Emily; remembering then that she _did_ have that with Emily, that she could have had that _forever_ with Emily, and that, through her own cowardice, she had wasted it. She despised the longing in her chest that that notion brought with it. She shouldn't be thinking about Emily right now, she shouldn't be thinking about what _she_ wanted; she should be thinking about her family and fixing the mess that she had selfishly bestowed upon them. Her priority _had_ to be them – not adding salt to Will's already painful wounds by trying to win back the woman who had played such a major role in crushing his heart. She shook her head to bring herself back to the present when she felt her mind drifting to a place that would do her more harm than good, and ended her brief explanation. "Eventually I had myself convinced that it was what I wanted. You tell yourself something often enough, Garcia.. It becomes you."

"Somewhat similar to self-fulfilling prophecy.." Garcia nodded knowingly; her eyebrow raising when she noticed the look on JJ's face. "What? I pay attention to all your psychological-profiler-crap."

JJ smiled; the first real smile that had graced her baby-faced features since Sunday morning. She had been right yesterday – Will really wasn't the person to be unloading this onto. And whilst, if she was honest, Garcia wasn't the person who she _wanted_ to be unloading it on, she was definitely the only person who could handle it and give her the guidance that she needed without it being a slap to the face. She wasn't her _person_ \- because Emily had always been her person for as long as she could remember, and even if she never looked at her again, she always would be - but for right now, she was, and for a moment JJ truly appreciated the person that Penelope Garcia was. How she held the secrets of everyone in this building and still remained the same bubbly, colourful, free-spirited person that she was baffled her; but it was that that made her so unique and really the only person she would ever consider turning to right now.

"This does raise a lot more questions though, sugar.." Garcia broke the silence; speaking honestly, almost regretfully. "Like.. if this _is_ real, and I mean like.. you're-too-gay-to-pretend-anymore real then.." Just then, a thought crossed her mind and stunted the progress of her first point - a thought that the answer to which would tell her if Emily really, totally was the bad guy that she had painted her to be in her mind in the past twenty minutes. "Wait," – her caterpillar eyebrows furrowed – "does Emily know any of this?"

"Nope." JJ slumped in her chair at the reminder that she was still technically lying. But Emily didn't _need_ to know; it made absolutely no difference to what she had done, to the hearts that she had broken, and the last thing that she wanted was for it to seem like some kind of get-out clause. "She has no idea. I'm sure she just assumes that I've always played for both teams.. so to speak. Or maybe that I'm experimenting or something.."

"How could she _not_ know?" Garcia's face contorted at her friend's obliviousness. "Surely you were a little.. I don't know.. rusty in the bedroom?"

JJ smiled somewhat mischievously. "It's amazing what you learn from reading a novel or two."

Garcia's eyebrow arched almost off of her face. "They must be some hella good novels if they kept our resident super-lesbo-profiler oblivious to your inexperience."

JJ shook her subtle smile away and lent forward in her chair. "No, I guess I just.. _imagined_ , ya know? I imagined the same things that I had hoped for all those times that I endured sex with guys and I just.. I just hid my nerves well-" _something that this job makes **very** easy,_ "-and I made it happen. Besides, I only ever.."

"Only ever?" Garcia encouraged.

"Well.." JJ shifted nervously in her seat, swallowed and then chewed on the inside of her mouth for a third time as she contemplated the correct words. "I.. I only ever used my mouth.. I can do this thing with my tongue that guys always seemed to like and I suppose that made me a little less nervous than if.." She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence; couldn't bring herself to imagine a world where Emily knew the truth and treated her like some inexperienced virgin at the age of thirty-two - a possibility that made her feel pathetic and yet at the same time, she would have given anything for in that moment if only it meant that she had Emily back. "Anyway, well.. I only ever did that twice. One of those times being yesterday."

Garcia almost choked on her own breath. "You only ever made her come twice and she still stuck around? Jeez, JJ. She must really love you." She laughed softly before realising that the humour was only found by her as JJ's face faded to sorrow. "What is it, my love?"

"I think she really does.." She sighed. " I think she really does love me and I destroyed it like it meant nothing. I've made such a huge mess. And I've done far too much wallowing in self pity. I just want to _fix_ it, for everyone involved, and I have absolutely no clue how or if I even should." Her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Besides, I'm pretty sure that Emily hates me so nothing matters there anyway."

"She doesn't hate you, Jayje." Garcia rolled her eyes. " _You_ hate you. And you shouldn't. Yeah, you screwed up. Even if it was for very understandable reasons. And honestly, if you ever cheat on someone again, I may have to disown you." She hoped that the twinkle in her eye conveyed to JJ that she really was joking and she softened her voice purposely. "But that doesn't mean that it isn't fixable. Nothing is unfixable, sugar."

"This might be.."

"I don't believe it." Garcia straightened up in her chair – there was too much misery in her flamboyant lair currently and she wanted it gone. This was supposed to be a happy room in the midst of all the chaos. "And I won't, until it happens, which it won't. Now, couple more questions, and I want you to give me the first answer that comes to mind." She leant forward a little. "And I will _know_ if you're cheating, little one."

What harm could it do? She was confused enough as it was – it couldn't possibly make it any worse. She crossed her left leg over her right, leant back a little in her chair and waved a hand for Garcia to begin. "Go ahead."

"Okay.. If you could have thirty minutes alone with anyone right now, who would it be and what would you be doing?"

Her busy mind shot to an instant memory and a question fell from her lips as she rested her chin on her hand. "Can I go back in time to something that's already happened or does it have to be something I'd like to happen?"

"Jayje, I'm not a frickin' time machine, or a magician, or I duno.. some _Being Erica_ shit. You're not _actually_ going to travel back to this moment. It isn't _actually_ going to happen. I can't _actually_ send you back to relive your regret and do it differently." She paused as something crossed her colourful mind. "Well.. I guess if this works I'm technically sending you _forward_ to fix your-" She cut herself off and shook a dismissive hand. "Stop it, you're making me lose track of what I was trying to achieve here."

"Sorry, Dr Tom." JJ smiled. "You may continue."

Garcia fought the urge to smile at the nickname and did indeed continue. "As I was saying, if you could have _any_ thirty minutes, alone with _anyone_ right now, who would it be and what would you be doing?"

JJ smiled softly and verbalised the thought that had first come to her mind several minutes ago. "I'd be with Emily. We'd be in her apartment watching the sun set over the DC skyline. She'd have her head resting on my shoulder, and when I'd look down, I'd see that she had fallen asleep. She'd wake up almost instantly and make some nervous show of how bad she feels about falling asleep on me and I'd just.. smile."

Garcia frowned; the seemingly insignificant nature of such a choice when given free run of literally anything causing a fleeting thought to wander through her mind that JJ should never consider a career as a writer of romance novels. "That was very.. detailed. I guess. Did that already happen.. or?"

"It already happened." JJ nodded, her lips curled into a day-dreamy smile, her eyes sparkling as she told the story; unknowingly provoking a thought of, _now there's the JJ I know_ , to replace the original one in her friend's mind. "It was probably about fifteen months ago. Definitely before the night that I began to question my relationship with Emily and looking back on it.. Heh, maybe _that_ was the night that began all of this. I don't know.. But anyway, Will and Henry had gone to visit his family and she invited me over for a few drinks because I was complaining about the house being so empty. So it turns out Emily Prentiss is a lightweight because after three glasses of wine she was fast asleep." She snapped prematurely out of the day dream and looked up. "I have another though, that hasn't happened yet. If that will answer your question better."

Garcia had pretty much gotten the answer that she was hoping for in that one scenario, but something told her that whatever JJ said next was going to answer literally every other question that she was about to ask. "Go on.."

"It's not really _thirty minutes alone with someone_ but it's what I'd choose, if I could.." A small nod from Garcia encouraged her to continue. "Okay, well.. I stand up from this chair right now. I walk out into the bull pen and Emily doesn't avoid my eyes or stare at me with 'I hate you' written across every inch of her face.. Instead she.. She smiles this.. this adoring smile, and she stands and walks over to me. She tells me, in that perfectly proper and eloquent voice of hers that _this is how life is supposed to be_. Just as she says that, Henry comes bounding in and wraps his arms around our legs, and behind him.. Behind him is Will and a woman who.." She shakes her head, mostly to herself as a frown forms at her brow. "Well, she doesn't really have a face since he hasn't met her yet, but I can see in _his_ face that he is so happy. Without fear that his girlfriend is going to suddenly turn into a lesbian, and with complete certainty that she loves him as much as he loves her." She chewed the inside of her lip, feeling somewhat ridiculous for her totally cheesy scenario whilst at the same time completely lost to it. "Everyone is happy and this chaos that I caused doesn't exist anymore. No one is hurting because of me."

Garcia half wanted to vomit at the sickly sweetness of the scene that was just painted for her, and half wanted to make wedding plans for both her and Emily, and for Will and this unnamed woman. But she couldn't ignore the fact that JJ really did have a long road ahead of her. It did, however, tell her and hopefully too, the woman sat before her, exactly what she truly wanted. But just to clarify.. "You do know what that means, don't you?"

"That if I want something that much I need to fight for it and stop burying my head in the sand?"

Garcia was so proud. "That's right, grasshopper." Standing to her feet, she pulled the blonde into a long hug before giving her another mothering once-over and shoving her in the direction of the door. "Now, go on. And Jayje.."

JJ turned back to her friend.

"This isn't going to be easy. You have a lot of trust to rebuild, in yourself too. But it _is_ possible to have both. To fix this in every aspect. They're worth it.. And I don't know what lead you to believe that you had to hide yourself in the first place but _you're_ worth it. Don't give up at the first hurdle, okay?"

JJ nodded before she left the room, and as she slowly, nervously walked the corridors back to the bullpen, she couldn't help imagining that she was about to walk directly into her fantasy scenario. But as she reached the final corner and turned it with a sigh, brown eyes did indeed meet hers. Only.. they weren't painted with adoration, or hate.. They were painted with nothing. They were empty, vacant. There were walls and barriers and red tape; and she fought to grasp onto the lifeline of Garcia's words as she took up a seat at her desk a few feet from the woman who no longer even cared enough to hate her:

_Don't give up at the first hurdle._

And she wasn't going to. She had priorities, she had miles upon miles of chaos to fix that didn't simply involve Emily, but she vowed to herself in that moment that, no matter what it took, no matter how long it took..

She was going to win back those eyes that had once been open to her. She was going to win back Emily Prentiss' heart.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven: _Vindicated_**

The remainder of that first Monday had been a joke. It was nothing but naivety that had caused JJ to truly believe that she could fix any of this by extending a meager olive branch of a coffee – naivety that was soon crushed when Emily simply took the beverage from her, stood and walked over to the sink in the break room to dump out the contents. And as vacant brown eyes stared through her, JJ had watched on with a subtle, sad, child-like frown; trying to keep ahold of any external nuances in a room full of profilers whilst at the same time desperately attempting to remind herself of Garcia's words of wisdom - this was going to take more than a cup of coffee and what she was now painfully certain the brunette saw only as a deceitful smile.

Day two hadn't been much better, and neither had her home life. That naivety really was taking a hit. Of course, on the surface, her and Will were getting along fine; but to a profiler, to _her_ , it was clear that they were far from fine. There was a brief smile when she walked through the front door, and a genuine smile as they both, together, put Henry to bed. But as soon as they left his room, there were eyes that refused to look at her, a tension that told her that the man whom she had lived with for four years no longer knew how to act around her, an almost silent but not quite sigh each time he avoided the couch upon which he knew that she had given herself over to another.

And it was almost a week before JJ meandered away from her naivety and replaced it with something else: self-pity. It had lasted barely a day, and was quashed by a few brutal truths from Garcia and Emily's almost mocking words as she had cornered her in the restroom and tried to force conversation: "Aww.. is Jennifer Jareau's perfect life not so perfect anymore? Isn't that sad."

Yes, it was sad. It was devastating. How could she have so many genuine feelings for this woman and have hurt her so much that she would be so cruel? Emily had never been cruel to her any one of the days that she had known her. She had always been comforting, reassuring, loving, caring.. Until _that_ day. But those cruel words that she had heard that morning were nothing compared the coldly spoken words of, "We had our fun, Jennifer, and now it's over. We are colleagues and nothing more. Accept that," that were directed at her before that day was out after she had tried, and failed, once again to coerce Emily to speak to her.

But this was _not_ over.. This wouldn't be over until Emily told her that she 100%, definitely did not want anything more to do with her; and even then she'd fight. She'd fight because she knew herself that fear was a powerful emotion; one that she was certain was part of the reason that Emily refused to even be in the same room as her unless she ultimately had to for a case, or to simply keep inquisitive eyes at bay. She despised that she had literally caused Emily to be afraid of her, but she would fight because _she_ was afraid to do anything but; she was terrified of stepping into what was essentially the unknown, but she was even more afraid of falling back into the past that she had been trapped in her whole life and consequently rendering anything that had happened over the past year and or so totally meaningless. It _wasn't_ meaningless. It was everything. To her..

And when she'd returned home that night, she was so overwhelmingly relieved by the very subtle but very intentional smile that actually made it to Will's eyes, by the easy conversation that they had shared after Henry was in bed that had resulted from something trivial on the television, that over the following week after that had seemed to grow with ease - that she had blindly mistaken it for something else and fell victim to naivety once more. On more than one occasion, that blinded sense of ignorance had caused Emily's name to helplessly pass her lips; on more than one occasion she had had the audacity to try to find direction from her ex-boyfriend; on more than one occasion she had let slip just how much she truly missed the brunette. And it was almost a week later, when that constant reminder finally caused Will's laugh to end abruptly, the twinkle in his eyes to be instantly replaced by emptiness, the easy banter to change swiftly to - "JJ, I don't know what impression you're under but I'm not your best friend or your confidante. I'm the father of your child who was conceived under false pretenses. I am not your _person_." - that she had no choice but to face reality for the umpteenth time and reassess everything that she had thought she had learnt so far.

In that moment, something had changed within Jennifer Jareau and she had awoken the following morning - fifteen days after the bomb had been dropped - with not only an impenetrable determination, but too, a solid plan: no matter what was thrown her way, she would not stop until she had fixed this for all involved and she would do so under no assumptions – even if _she_ didn't win in the end. It was going to suck, and it was going to hurt, and there were going to be so many times that she'd have no choice but to endure how truly pathetic she felt – but she'd do it. She'd do it for Will, and she'd do it for Emily, and she'd do it for Henry.

And every morning from that day on, she enacted the same routine. She'd leave for work early, take a detour to Starbucks where she'd order a coffee for herself and a Java Chip Frappuccino for the woman who, every day, without fail, stood from her desk and walked over to the break room to pour out the contents whilst staring at her vacantly, almost daringly. It should have chipped away at her confidence, and it did a little, but she'd just tell herself: _maybe tomorrow she'll actually drink it._ And the following day she would, without fail, repeat the same determined act; foolishly hopeful that her efforts would be the exception to Freud's definition of insanity.

By now, she was almost certain that Garcia had spoken to Emily, and that the older woman likely, at the very least, knew that her and Will had separated. She wasn't sure that her friend would have shared anything more with the brunette, but not knowing for certain made her cringe; she didn't _want_ Emily to know – not under this circumstance where it would seem more of an excuse than an explanation. She remembered one morning during that third week that Emily hadn't been there when she had delivered her unwanted coffee gesture. And that, around ten minutes after that, the brunette had emerged from the technical analyst's lair and for the first time, refused to meet her eyes. She loved the profiler within her in that moment; because what reason could Emily possibly have to divert her eyes when for the past few weeks, she had gone out of her way to make sure that she saw the nonchalance in them? Unless.. she still cared enough to have some unmistakable emotion evident there that she didn't want her to see. Unless.. _she still cared_. And that magnified her confidence tenfold.

So she ran with it.

She kept up with the unwelcome coffee deliveries and essentially _waited_ each time for the rebuttal that she knew was coming; she purposely posed questions to Emily during cases and used the time that the brunette took to answer to figure out if she had managed to make a dent in those infamous Prentiss walls; she smiled at the older woman each and every time that their paths crossed during the day and willingly endured the blank stare that she always received in return; she left random notes on Emily's desk every single day that said absolutely nothing but, _I will fight for you_ , and continued on when those screwed up balls of yellow note paper mounted up in the brunette's trash can. She just _stuck around_ \- and she did all of it without hesitation. Because trust wasn't something that was going to be fixed with a few eloquent words – that was how she had gotten around the morons with the media. No, Emily Prentiss was no moron and it would take far more than a smile and a, "I'll treat you better," to fix the bridges that she had, hopefully not, burnt beyond repair. She had to prove to Emily that she was still there, still present despite the road ahead of them; that this was about more than the thrill of forbidden fruit, that it had _always_ been about more than that; and that, no matter how hard she tried to push her away, she wasn't going to budge. Not one inch.

Not even when the brunette's efforts included flirting shamelessly with some unnamed woman on every one of their team nights out. Not even when that shameless flirting ultimately, one night, resulted in a heartbreaking display of far more than just that..

She'd never forget that night. Of course, _every_ night from the very first moment that Emily had taken to that new defense was excruciating. But there was one small detail that JJ had clung to through the pain of watching Emily with someone else – the fact that she may have flirted, may have made out with them, may have cast a smile their way that she had once been certain was meant only for her; but the brunette never, ever, left with those women. Not once. So she had been left certain that it was just a game; one that she was willing to let Emily win and she rewarded her victory by conceding her defeat amicably and leaving the bar prematurely.

But that night.. the night that the rules to that game changed completely. The night that she had held strong and remained at her spot around the table that was bathed with rare laughter and joy that was completely wasted on her; the night that she had sipped her drink and fell tragically captivated by Emily's elegant hands that roamed further than they ever had; the night that she had scurried away to regroup, only to find herself trapped within a stall when two very vocal patrons had slipped into the restroom – presumably assuming that the room was empty – and clicked the door locked behind them as they began their drunken activities. She had rolled her eyes at first as the more vocal of the two people groaned and grunted in pleasure, but when the velvety soft words of, "Tell me what you want.." snapped through her mind, those eyes flooded with instant, white-hot tears. Her chest ached painfully, bile crept up the back of her throat and yet she couldn't help peeking through the slit in the door; the masochist that she apparently was needing to see, needing proof to confirm her fears.

And there it was; painted with porcelain enveloping skin as tan as her own, and crimson lips devouring whilst those fingers, those heavenly fingers that were once hers to own, parted eager thighs beneath a skirt that was nothing more than a belt. But even she was shocked by the boldness that led her to flush the toilet purposely and exit the stall instead of remaining quietly hidden within the shadows until the show was over. Was it that she didn't want to see anymore, or was it that she wanted to remind Emily that _she_ was far better suited to her than any random - quite honestly slutty - stranger that she could ever pick up at a bar? It wasn't actually either.. It was her total concedence to this that was more than cowardice in disguise; it was Emily's prize, her victory reward, one that she had thoroughly _earnt_. And that reward presented itself in the hurt, broken blue eyes that made no effort to hide themselves behind a stuttering apology, but instead met directly with lust-filled brown as soon as she stepped out of the stall. It was the openness in them that she wished that she was permitted to see in Emily's currently black eyes; the openness that she knew told Emily that she was still _very_ capable of being hurt by her actions, that she was still capable of breaking her heart – that she still cared enough for that to even be a possibility. That she always had and always would care. It was difficult enough being bound by those truths in the first place; let alone handing them without condition to someone who wouldn't even look at her unless it was to hurt her further. But if Emily needed reckless bravery, then she would give it. And she did. The unrestrained, telling emotions in her eyes were Emily's for the taking; even up until the point where she had quietly slipped out of that claustrophobic room and heard the brunette's new 'friend' murmur something to the effect of, "What's her problem?"

 _There's no problem, sweetheart.. The opposite actually._ JJ had thought to herself as she sauntered away; a confident sway in her hips that probably shouldn't have been there if she really thought about it, but she'd taken something from that encounter that most people wouldn't have. See, it wasn't what was _in_ Emily's eyes that had given anything away. No, they were no longer hers to explore and she knew that now clearer than ever. It was the mere fact that, in a situation where the brunette, or anyone, should have felt somewhat embarrassed or awkward; those dark eyes had simply stared back and hadn't even flinched when she interrupted the moment. Which told JJ two things: Emily already _knew_ that she was in there; it wasn't accidental that she had been forced to witness to such a public display of lust. Which implied something else that JJ seemed to be forever coming back to.. Emily still cared too; a knowledge that repaired every dent and scratch in the courage necessary to continue with her mission, every crack and blemish in the hope that one day Emily would look at her with something other than nothing again, every scuff and split in her faith that this _would_ all be okay in the end.

 _They_ would be okay in the end. And they would, she vowed in that second.

And back home, on the other side of the spectrum.. JJ had had a whole other plan; one that held the same determination but would yield an entirely different result. She never, ever, once mentioned Emily after the day that Will had so brutally set her straight, because she absolutely refused to insult him anymore than she already had. Instead, she'd return home with a genuine smile upon her face and ask about his day, every single day. Providing there was no out of town case, she'd take Henry to daycare in the morning, before work, before she stopped for Emily's coffee, so that Will could use that time to apply for jobs and piece back the life that she had broken. She cooked for him every single night, meals that she detested but knew were his favourite, and she allowed him to get angry when he needed to vent. She willingly took the painful hint in his eyes that depicted disappointment and caused pain in her own chest because that was all part of her punishment. And then, eight weeks in when the game had suddenly changed course, she had listened as that pain in his eyes faded to hope as he nervously explained to her that the girl that he had been infatuated with in high school, the one whom he had kissed all those months ago, had contacted him and that he didn't know what to do. She had given him advice and eventually became the reason that he took weekend trips to New Orleans when she was home to take care of Henry. She was there for him; she became his _friend_ – something that she should have always been.

It wasn't perfect; it was _far_ from perfect. Perhaps it would never be perfect again in the conventional way that she had become used to; but that was fine, because it was something far better than what had been and was also a very real step towards fixing what her life-long denial had caused. Somehow.. it just made sense, and with every inch of progress that she made with two of the most important people in her life, she felt herself flourish with confidence that she felt had been held captive for all these years. She almost looked forward to her daily routine with Emily, even if that _was_ one sided and the brunette was still refusing to acknowledge her existence unless she absolutely had to. And she almost looked forward to going home too; to Will's latest qualm about this new woman in his life, and the melodic laughs of that man and her beautiful little boy that filtered through the house when she walked through the front door, and the totally broken yet progressively repaired relationship that they were slowly rebuilding.

Which is why, when she returned home one particular evening thirteen weeks in, and his smiling, nervous eyes were immediately followed up with, "I've been offered a job back in New Orleans," her heart had actually sank with genuine disappointment. She wasn't _ready_ for him to be gone, even if she did know that it was best for him and that she couldn't keep him here forever. He wasn't what she wanted – the still ongoing, fruitless routine that she acted out every damn day to win back Emily Prentiss' heart told her that – and she couldn't force him to live a lie.

She'd learnt a lot in the midst of everything that she had lost and found, and she knew that this was simply a step in the right direction to achieving that dream that she had painted so vividly for Garcia months ago. Suddenly that nameless woman stood by the door with Will, the one responsible for the returning sparkle in his eyes, had a name and a face; suddenly the silent words that Henry was babbling were accompanied by sound and depicted tales of all he'd done that weekend in New Orleans with his daddy and "Aunt 'Manda", and what he couldn't wait to show her and "Aunt Em'ly" now that he was back. But that was where the fairytale ended.. because there were still no adoring eyes, no comforting, loving arms wrapped around her waist, no soft melodic laughter or the luxurious, velvety softness of the voice that she had so fallen in love with a long time ago. And it didn't take a profiler to see her disappointment.

"Jay-Jay.." Will began softly as he sat beside her on the sofa and rested his arm along the back. "This was always going to happen. It's _time_. And.. And I know what I said. I know I told you that I couldn't have those conversations with you but.. I think it's time for you to talk to Emily too."

"I.." She didn't know how to respond. Not because she knew that that was something that she had tried and tried and tried again to do on so many occasions; but because she had gotten so used to purposely not mentioning Emily's name to Will that she was caught off guard when he brought up the topic himself and she genuinely did not know how to respond. But what she did know was that this moment was about Will – it was in no way about her – and she wasn't about to turn it into something that it shouldn't be. So she smiled softly and patted his knee. "When the time is right, I will. But I don't think that time is now."

"Then I don't think it is, either." He agreed. "Because when it is, there'll be no question about it."

"You're a good man." JJ smiled honestly as she pressed her hand to his cheek and brushed her thumb over the stubbly skin there; almost as though she was trying to remember the feel of something that had once caused her to feel wholly empty, but that a small part of her was strangely going to miss now.

"I'm the _best_ man." He grinned.

"No, _I_ better be your best man when you finally allow Amanda to tie you down."

"I wouldn't hesitate to say yes if she ever asked. Even if it has only been five weeks.." Will blushed slightly but the words were truthful, and JJ found a little of the redemption that she had been lacking in recent months.

Was it possible that out of the destruction that she had knowingly caused, something positive had arisen? Had it really been fate? Was fate actually there all along, hiding behind the blanket of chaos? She truly believed that it had been. It wasn't _her_ fate - she had definitely been looking at it wrong – but there was certainly fate at play here. There was a happiness in Will's eyes that she hadn't seen in such a long time, years in fact, and it both pained her and astounded her that that wouldn't have been there if she hadn't begun her affair with Emily; that it wouldn't have been there if she hadn't gotten caught; that it wouldn't have been there if she hadn't made what she was beginning to realise wasn't so much a mistake at all: it was an awakening, a new beginning, a whole other chance at life, and she was going to grab it with both hands.

**CM-CM-CM**

There were many things that Emily was fluent with: profiling, pretending, foreign languages, compartmentalising.. the list was endless. But she wasn't good at this. She couldn't do _this_.

Mainly because she had never experienced this.

Throughout her whole life, she had never been chased without having to give some kind of ultimatum first, and certainly not to this magnitude. She was a pro at pushing people away and many allowed her to do so either the first time, the second, and certainly by the third; muttering a 'screw this' under their breath that had made a small part of Emily's heart sink. So this made no sense. At all. It seemed that every effort that she put forth to shun JJ's moves, the blonde had a new one up her sleeve or would simply repeat the same one again like it hadn't just been so cruelly rejected. Where she had seen hurt in the eyes of her past lovers as she had forced them out, she saw something akin to hope in JJ's and a small portion of her felt guilty – not necessarily for shutting her out, but because she knew that even if JJ _had_ earnt her time, she didn't know how to stop now that she had begun this process of ignorance; now that she had been given reason to reinforce her walls in the first place, and she knew better than most that hope was a dangerous thing to fall victim to. So dangerous that, despite how broken she herself was, she still didn't want JJ to be blinded by it; didn't want to see the younger woman crushed when she finally realised, just like she herself had in recent weeks, that hope was just sadism in disguise and would only make reality a far more bitter drug to swallow when she was forced to ingest it. So she had pushed and she'd pushed with every ounce of strength that she had, but that hope sparkling in bright blue just would not accept defeat.

And she'd had that reinforced on the day that JJ had cornered her in the break room. She'd seen the hope in JJ's eyes stronger than ever, hiding behind a shield of self-pity – the hope that they would have their happily ever after even after everything – and she had to crush that immediately. So she had said the cruelest thing that she possibly could and almost felt relieved when she saw that optimism crumble like weathered brick.

She thought that was it. She thought that JJ had gone away to lick her wounds and crawl back into bed with Will – so that _he_ could lick her wounds for her and they could play at happy families - but less than a week later, there she was with a whole different game plan like that day hadn't even happened. She wasn't sure what she hated more; that JJ was still trying, or that a small part of herself was relieved for such perseverance. However, it was later that same day that Emily learnt from Garcia something that suddenly gave reason to JJ's efforts and she immediately felt like a fool.

"It's not exactly common knowledge around the bullpen and I don't want it to be, but JJ and Will aren't even together anymore, princess. They haven't been for a few weeks.."

"Oh wow.." Emily laughed incredulously; her pearly white's still framed by glossy crimson even as she shook her head in disbelief. "Well that makes sense then. Of course she wouldn't like being alone."

"I don't think that's how it is, sweetie.." Garcia spoke softly, a sad frown on her face as she remembered that it really wasn't her place to make confessions that were only JJ's to make - even if she did believe that it would change Emily's assumptions. "It isn't that at all."

"I'm sorry, Garcia, but you weren't there the last time that JJ was left alone for five minutes. You weren't the one whose heart she toyed with simply so that she could keep herself occupied until her _boyfriend_ returned. And I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of my business."

On that note, she had left; an anger forming in the white of her knuckles once she was beyond the door as she recognised that where she should have seen logic – the logic that she had just so easily put forth to Garcia – her heart was actually already taking hope from that new morsel of information. Dangerous fucking hope that she had tried to protect JJ from; dangerous fucking hope that would lead her back to JJ's arms and push her to her knees at the feet of the woman who was nothing but a liar, if only for one more kiss from those poisonous lips.

And as she had turned into the bullpen, unlike recent weeks, she couldn't even bring herself to look at that liar; the one who still held her heart within her traitorous, heavenly, hands – something that she knew was a mistake in itself. Because that one nuance, she was certain, would give JJ more fuel to keep up this charade that left her losing the constant battle between her heart and her mind.

And just as she had feared, JJ's arsenal grew bigger than ever; with dishonest determination, a whole world of deceitful hope, hypnotizing words scrawled day in and day out on yellow note paper, and magic gestures that were insignificant on the face of it but were actually chipping away at her walls piece by piece. She fought and she fought for all she was worth for a further eight weeks.. and yet she was losing; losing against JJ and her own heart, which these days she realised were both banding together to work against her.

Perhaps she should have been grateful for her efforts, but she wasn't; not anymore. In fact, the only thing that Emily Prentiss was grateful for in all of this was her surprising ability to concentrate on the job when her personal life was in such chaos – because it at least gave her a slight reprieve. JJ's actions certainly weren't giving her that, even if the blonde was – _thankfully_ – doing them so subtly that only she would notice; and the moment that she closed her apartment door behind her on an evening wasn't much help either. Especially on _those_ nights. Those nights after her childish act of revenge on JJ in that bar had actually backfired and wound up leaving her incapable of such cruelty, and excruciatingly aware of the fact that it didn't actually help the pain in her chest one bit. Those nights when her natural bodily needs kicked in and she'd lie staring at the ceiling, pretending that memories of JJ writhing in her sheets weren't playing out beside her whilst heat throbbed between her thighs. Those nights when she'd lose again; when she'd eventually reach beneath her panties to relieve the ache and after a few strokes find herself left with nothing but a tighter knot in her chest and more questions than her compartments could handle.

But one question stood out more than others: did she have only herself to blame? Yes, she did. She really should have set the wheels in motion that night thirteen weeks ago when she had first realized that this was a dangerous game to play – and one that she already knew she wasn't going to win. Or that following morning when she had met JJ's eyes for the first time since she had ripped out her heart and had that certainty reiterated to her. And for the life of her, she truly couldn't figure out what had stopped her back then or any day after that; faded lines of, "I'll do it tomorrow," lining the path of her memory. She was intelligent, stubborn, determined, _logical_ – and yet when it came to Jennifer Jareau, nothing was definitive. Everything was open to persuasion, and opportunity for that persuasion was always freely given; almost like she _wanted_ JJ to prove her wrong and redeem herself even just a little bit so that she could justifiably take her back and stop feeling.. _this_.

Which is why, she had to catch her courage in the moment. Which is why, she had to stop making excuses to validate her own hesitance. Which is why, on a Friday morning some time after that thirteenth week, Emily had arrived at work early - long before that damn coffee arrived on her desk to tempt her like the delicious, poisoned apple responsible for Snow White's stupor; long before that deceptive, spellbinding smile burned into her retinas; long before today's show of dishonest determination could even begin; long before the temptation that had controlled her every move for far too long arrived to weave her devious web once more – and she did indeed set those wheels in motion.

And as she scrawled excuses disguised as logical reason onto an official document that held no care for the truth behind her decision, and signed it like it was her last will and testament; Emily found herself basking in a different kind of hope: the kind laced with traces of returning strength and courage, wrapped lovingly with promise, and tied with a neat little bow of honesty that for the first time in months, she genuinely trusted in.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve:** _Who I Am_

The surprisingly strong hand that grabbed her arm suddenly and pulled her down a darkened corridor almost caused her to drop the two coffees that she was balancing precariously in her hands, along with a lemon-poppyseed muffin that she was hoping may finally reward her with more than a blank stare from Emily today; the circus act that she had to carry out to keep that from happening as she shuffled helplessly along with her sudden captor ensuring that she missed the implications in the urgency of the gesture itself. "Ouch, Garcia. What the hell? That hurt."

"Not as much as this is going to." Garcia spoke plainly as she locked the door to her lair and immediately began tapping at her keyboard. "Your coffees and notes and.." She looked to the contents of the blonde's hands. "Delicious muffins, are not going to fix this one."

But she didn't miss the implications in that. "Garcia, just spit it out." She snapped in frustration; her heart was now pounding in her chest for reasons that she still hadn't been permitted in her friends cryptic behaviour, but something told her that whatever this was was about change the course of everything considerably.

"Okay, look." Garcia spun back around in her chair and pulled up a still from that morning's CCTV footage; zoomed in as far as it would go and spoke so quickly that the words almost run together. "It was sat on her desk all morning and it took me a little while to see it but by the time that I did it was already too late because now.. well, now it's gone."

JJ shook her head in confusion. "What's gone?"

"The letter of _resignation_." Garcia faced JJ, her words the calm before the storm that she knew was fast approaching. "I almost signed one once when Rossi caught Kevin and I, and I was sure that I-"

"Garcia.. who's desk is that?" JJ's heart stopped and her steady voice belied the panic rising in her chest.

"Sweetie.. It's Emily's." She spoke with sad eyes; immediately turning back to pull up several other windows until she found Emily in the maze of rooms that was this building. But the moment that the brunette adorned her screen, JJ was already impatiently rattling at the handle of the locked door to get out. "JJ. JJ, look at me.."

"Garcia, I don't have time. Will you please let me out of here so that I can go find Emily before.." Her heart felt like it was going to rupture in her chest for how fast it was beating and every inch of her skin both pulsed and burned with a longing that she had never felt before – even in recent weeks. It wasn't heartbreak, it wasn't fear; it was an epic combination of every possible emotion that could ever be attached to unwanted finality, and she was trapped some place between sobbing and shaking. "Please.."

The typically bubbly woman had never seen JJ this way, with nothing but pure panic etched across her face in ways that was almost painful to watch. Honestly, she looked like a drug addict who had finally been called on their ways and was currently begging for their last hit before they quit – and all that told her was that she absolutely was not going to let JJ out of this room until she was certain that her motives were pure. Until she was certain that what she felt for Emily was genuine love, rather than a need to cling to something safe in what was essentially the most difficult period of her life.

She had watched the young woman closely over the past almost thirteen weeks, and what she had seen certainly carried itself as love - but she knew what it was like to fall for someone so deeply that you're blind to every warning sign, and just how difficult it was to break free from that spell; and so she had to be sure that it was more than nothing before she threw the unsuspecting brunette back into JJ's hands.

"Even if she does come running back to you, JJ.. What happens when Hotch finds out about this? Because he will. All it takes is one agent not from our team to see and you're toast." Garcia shot her first question unapologetically, and then the second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth before JJ could even respond. "What happens when Henry asks why Emily is always at your house and why his daddy isn't anymore? What happens when this fairytale doesn't live up to its expectations? When the danger of keeping it out your work life is gone? When the forbidden fruit of being with a woman gets old? When the excitement of the chase is over?"

As her tirade progressed and completed, the atmosphere in the room almost visibly shifted; the tears in JJ's eyes seemed to suck back inside her eyes like a vacuum until all that remained in those eyes were rings of darker than dark blue with a distinct lick of flames that held both anger and defense. However, it wasn't that reaction that Garcia was partially shocked to see – it was the fact that JJ wasn't defending herself, or fighting for herself, or angry for the implicit accusations that had just been tossed her way.. it was _all_ for Emily. For Henry. For this whole change that she had made in recent months for the betterment of those she loved. Something that was reinforced by each perfectly enunciated word that marched out of a strong jaw like soldiers, fearless and ready.

"I have spent every day of my life denying who I am, and for over a year now, I have forced Emily to do the same. Emily who, with every ounce of her being, loved me beyond the lies that I told myself every day, beyond the lies that she still doesn't _know_ I told myself every day, and she won't ever know. Not because I relish lying to her - because I absolutely _hate_ that part – but because she deserves to live in a world where she doesn't have to question my love for her just like you are doing right now. She deserves to feel safe just like she has always made me feel, and whether it takes months or years – whether she leaves right now or whether she doesn't – I am going to prove to her that I am capable of that job. I don't know what the future holds and I won't pretend to, but even with regard to Henry, I can't live a lie anymore. How will that possibly benefit him, Garcia? What if he grows up to be gay, or something deemed unworthy in today's society, and _I'm_ the reason that he spends his life the way that I have?"

Garcia had no words; though, she wasn't even sure that what JJ had offered even constituted as real questions that expected real answers. So she remained silent and gave JJ the opportunity to continue with what she was becoming certain were the most honest words that she had spoken in her entire life.

"I don't _enjoy_ this chase, I don't _want_ the danger - I get enough of that with this job - but I will endure every second of it to show her, to show myself, to show Henry and Will, that I am capable of honesty. And if that means that I lose my job then so be it. Because I _love_ what I do.. but quite simply, I love her more, love _them_ more. And if that also means that I have to spend every day of the rest of my life chasing her – or regretting not chasing her soon enough should she ever tell me that she quite simply just doesn't love me anymore – then I'll take that too. I am tired of living in regrets, Garcia, and I absolutely refuse to allow that woman, that damn incredible woman, to be another regret. So you need to unlock this door right now because if I'm willing to do all of that for her, I am certainly willing to kick down a damn door for her."

"I.." Garcia blinked. "Well, alrighty then. How could I possibly argue with that.." She relinquished her sweaty grip on the key and tossed it to JJ, who eagerly shoved it into the lock and was already half way out of the door by the time that she spoke her next words. "Go get your girl!"

**CM-CM-CM**

She snatched the paper from Emily hands and pulled the protesting brunette into a nearby supply closet as soon as she found her turning a corner towards Hotch's office.

"What the hell are you _doing_?" Emily exclaimed with her arms out wide and a confused but expectant look on her face as the blonde flicked on a light and blocked the door with a broom.

The voice was almost strange to hear; foreign and familiar. Familiar in the sense that she had heard it every day for the past three months given that they worked together and had no choice but to pretend that they were very capable of doing that job; but foreign in that it was, for the first time in those long months, directed at her. And she took a moment to savour it before she turned to face Emily and spoke solidly. "I'm stopping you from making a mistake."

Emily laughed incredulously, a mocking tone returning to her voice that she hated herself for and that, unbeknownst to her, the blonde had already hardened herself to. "Oh sweetie, how could it ever be a mistake when it means that I don't have to endure your stalkerish tendencies each damn day?"

JJ saw the very subtle, very well hidden flash of apology and sadness in Emily's eyes and she bravely took a step forward, her voice calm. "Don't do that.." She whispered softly. "I know I deserve it, I know I hurt you, I know any amount of trust that you have ever had in me is gone but.. don't play that card, Emily. You're not that cruel."

"You don't know anything about me, JJ." _I don't even know anything about myself anymore.._ Emily looked briefly to the ceiling, her discomfort visible when her eyes returned.

"I know more about you than you'll ever admit to yourself.. And I will spend every day proving to you that that knowledge is safe with me. Just, please.." She held up Emily's resignation letter. "Please don't do this."

Tears glossed at Emily's eyes before she looked away again to repair the resolve that she was very aware was crumbling. "I don't have a choice, JJ. I've already put it off for three months. I can't keep them waiting any longer."

 _Three months.._ JJ mused as her heart constricted. _That means.._ "You were already planning to leave as soon as you got back.."

JJ voice was soft and broken and all Emily could manage was apologetic eyes that really made no difference to the pain in the younger woman's – something that a part of her enjoyed. However much she hated herself for that, she was only human and it truly did feel wonderful to have the upper hand for once and she willingly gave the elaboration that JJ hadn't asked for nor seemed to want. "Clyde called me right before we met at the courthouse offering me a position to run the London Interpol office with him.. But I.. I couldn't leave after I'd finally gotten you back in my life. So I took Strauss' offer. And then we.." Emily shook her head as she remembered how badly things had worked out from that point. "That's why I came over to your house that night." She sighed. "I needed to know if I had reason to stay. I needed to know if you _wanted_ me to stay. I really wasn't sure if you'd even missed me when I was gone or if your life was just a whole lot easier.. I tried to ask but that just-"

JJ's head snapped around. "That's why you wanted to know if I'd thought about you while you were gone?"

Emily nodded. "And that's why I.. That's why I asked you that night if it really mattered but you just.." She sighed, remembering very vividly what JJ had 'just'. "I guess I left with the answers I was searching for, but they really weren't what I'd _hoped_ for. And then you were just there, JJ." She threw up her hands. "You were just there at my door, telling me that it _did_ matter, answering a question that you didn't even _know_ I was asking, and while you were sleeping that night, I tore up my resignation letter. But-"

"But.." JJ sighed as the events of the past three months, the past seventeen months, washed through her like a tidal wave; almost knocking her off of her feet until she allowed herself to slump back against the door behind her, her hand resting at the back of her neck as her eyes stared off at nothing. And when she finally spoke again, there was some kind of almost-silent disbelief in her voice that was directed solely at herself for being so damn blind. "But I ruined it.. I was your sole reason for turning down the job and I.." She laughed disbelievingly. "I just tossed it to the wind like it meant nothing."

"Not like it meant nothing, JJ." Emily reasoned despite herself, sighing and dropping her hands to her thighs in resignation as she took a step forward. It was ironic, that through all of this, the one thing that she had struggled to find was logic, and yet right now, she had an abundance of it to placate the regret in JJ's eyes. "I should have seen that it was far more complicated for you than me. You have a family. You have Henry to think about."

She wanted to correct her; to admit that it wasn't simply about Henry but the last thing that either of them needed was more excuses. So she quashed those excuses before they could even begin whilst at the same time allowing Emily to believe that that's exactly what it was. "Emily.." She shook her head and lifted her blue eyes to brown. "Don't make excuses for me. I stopped doing that a while ago and you should too. I'm a grown woman. A grown woman who is capable of mistakes."

"I think we're both very capable of that." Emily spoke honestly, seemingly unconcerned for the implications in her words, but swallowing hard when she found her grip on her courage slipping once again. "Which is why I have to do this." She spoke solidly, her back visibly straightening with the words as if she was trying to depict strength that just wasn't really there. "I can't make that same mistake again, and I can't follow you when the only reason that you're chasing me is-"

"Is what, Emily?" JJ's eyes grew intense, her brow furrowed as she pushed herself off of the door and took a step forward that seemed to unnerve the brunette. "What is the only reason I'm chasing you?"

"Because Will left you.." Emily spoke with trepidation. "Garcia told me that you guys separated and-"

"Did she tell you _why_?" JJ needed to know, but when Emily looked at her in confusion, she gave an elaboration that was as dishonest as it was truthful. "I broke up with him, Emily. I told him that I shouldn't be around either of you, and it was very clear from that point that I wanted my future to be with you. I still _do_." She sighed as she looked towards the resignation letter still gripped in her left hand. "I always will."

Emily studied JJ for a moment; trapped between being entirely uncertain and wholly sure. There was so much honesty in JJ's eyes almost hypnotising her but.. could she really go there again? _How_ could she justifiably go there again after what had happened the last time? But didn't she need closure? She could easily up and leave, which she still planned to, but without that closure she would always be tied to the past. Right? That made sense, didn't it? However, just as she felt her walls crumbling much like her resolve, surprisingly bold words stopped her with a question that both caused her to almost sob and, unbeknownst to the speaker, returned the courage that she had gradually lost within the past ten minutes.

"Do you still love me?"

"I.." Emily shook her head, diverted her eyes that she knew were currently betraying her and laughed to hide her discomfort. "I'm not sure how that question is relevant anymore, JJ."

"It is _very_ relevant, Emily. Right now, in this room, it is the only thing that _is_ relevant."

"Love is the only thing that's relevant?" Emily laughed in disbelief before trying to push by the blonde to leave. "You really need to grow up, JJ."

"Don't you dare tell me to grow up!" JJ was angry now; blocking the door with her whole body as she spat her next words. "I have done more _growing up_ in the past three months than you will ever know. I have lived the brutal _truth_ for the past three months and endured that reflected in your eyes every damn day. Reflected in Will's eyes every damn day. I have placed my heart on the line at every opportunity while knowing that you're just going to crush it again. I have turned my whole life upside down and then put it back together. I know exactly what it's like to realise that _fairytales_ don't exist, and the reason I've done any of that is _for_ love. My love for Will, my love for Henry. My love for myself, even. And my love for _you_. So answer the question, Emily. Do you still love me?"

Her jaw locked, her head twisting briefly at how tiny the room suddenly felt under this scrutiny. She knew the answer; she knew but when she truly thought about it, she was both somewhat pleased and disappointed to see that the reason that she hadn't given it yet wasn't because she was afraid to give away more of herself, but actually because she was protecting JJ. "JJ, please let me go. Please let me out of this room."

"No." JJ stepped forward as soon as a flash of colour in Emily's eyes gave her the courage. "Not until you tell me that you don't love me." She trailed her fingers over Emily's cheek, tried to pretend that it didn't hurt when Emily flinched away like she had physically been struck and instead kept her voice calm and reassuring. "I know I hurt you, Emily. I know I caused you to regret ever opening up your world to me and I don't deserve another chance but I'm asking you for one. You still love me, don't you? You still want me.."

Emily almost felt the transition in her eyes. The one that erased tears to nothing more than a faint gloss and turned warm brown to almost black as she lifted a hardened face to meet JJ's; her slender fingers curling into iron fists by her side and she clenched her jaw briefly before she spoke. "I do love you, JJ. Just like I loved you when you broke my heart. Just like I loved you when you lied to me. Just like I loved you when you turned up at my apartment, telling yet more lies so that I would fuck you, fuck away the fact that your boyfriend had just _cheated_ on you. Just like I loved you when I watched you chase that boyfriend out of my apartment like a scared puppy. Just like I loved you every day for the past three months when you would _not_ give me the space to process just how much I don't _want_ to love you." She saw the pain in JJ's eyes but continued anyway; a more bitter tone to her voice that was strangely encouraged by that pain. "I _don't_ want to love you, JJ. I don't _want_ to feel anything for you. I don't _know_ you. I have no idea who you are anymore. So there's your answer. Yes, I do still love you. With everything I have." She laughed and shook her head. "But no part of me wants to. Not one damn part." Her voice softened as she allowed the words to fully set in. "Is it still relevant now, Jennifer?"

JJ stared into Emily's eyes for a moment more, willing the tears in her own not to fall as she waited, hoped, for some glimmer in dark brown to tell her that those words weren't true. But it never came. Somehow, it would have been a world easier had Emily told her that she didn't love her, because that much, she would have known was a lie. But this.. this was _truth_. A painful, brutal, justified truth that left her with nothing to cling to anymore. She had been right; Emily did deserve to live in a world where she didn't have to question her love for her every waking moment.. but what she hadn't considered with that sentiment was that perhaps Emily actually needed to live in a world without her - period. And that realisation felt dangerously similar to the one that she had felt eleven months ago when she was told that the necessary cause of action was for Emily to fake her own death. Perhaps this _was_ as necessary as that had been, but that didn't change how damn empty she felt; and the resigning words that left her lips as she stared at the ground and handed Emily her letter didn't sound like her own. "You can go, Emily." She stepped away from the door, her eyes still downcast; not necessarily in defeat, but more because she absolutely did not want any emotion that was swirling in them to falter the courage that Emily had clearly found. "I hope you find someone who treats you better than I ever could and.. and I hope you find happiness without condition."

Because that really was the one thing that she couldn't give her. She could give her, _them_ , a future; but it was a future that already held foundations that weren't her own. She could give her love; but after everything that had happened, that would come with an abundance of uncertainty that would taint that love almost enough that it may as well not exist. She could give her herself.. Actually, no, she couldn't give her that; because when she was still lying about who she was, how could she possibly give her _all_ of herself? No, everything that she could give her came with conditions and for the first time since this had begun, JJ finally realised that it didn't matter how she felt, because Emily deserved more than that.

JJ didn't see it because she was looking down, and Emily was partially grateful for that; but the brunette's eyes definitely changed in that second. Changed subtly to mimic the heart in her chest that hadn't just sunk but crashed explosively to the bottom of some black hole. It was disappointment. Had she really wanted JJ to fight for her after that? Yes, she had – even if it was simply so that she could walk away with her upper hand still intact. But that upper hand was gone; no one was a potential winner at this point. There were only losers in a game that had long lost it's true objective; and she snatched the paper from JJ's hand and fled the small room before she could even begin down that path of back-pedals and fruitless desperation. "Take care, Jennifer."

It was only once she reached the other side of that door that she herself felt the same intense panic of finality that JJ had twenty minutes ago in Garcia's office, and suddenly she was more afraid than she had been in her entire life; even more afraid than she had been when she was trapped in that damn warehouse with Ian Doyle.

 _Ian Doyle_ , she scoffed. _Ian Doyle who actually offered me more honesty than JJ ever did and he was a man beyond redemption. Ian Doyle.._ And as it crossed her mind that JJ had never once taken the time to ask her how she felt about her undercover days with Ian, ever bothered to recognise any of the mental strength that it may have taken her to get through the past year, the past eight years, ever acknowledged any one bit of it; she straightened her back and marched purposefully towards Hotch's office.

In all honesty, she likely wouldn't have responded to JJ's concern even if she had done any one of those things - at least not right away - but she would have been grateful that she had even bothered. That intrusion would have been _far_ better than the nothing that her now clear mind was recognising that she had received. But it was like everything else with regard to JJ these days - selfish - and it told her, unequivocally, that this was the right thing to do. It didn't matter that the old JJ would have asked; the old JJ would have pushed until she had pulled her out from darkness; the old JJ would have _cared_. It didn't matter that the old JJ would have noticed beyond the haze of desire, the eternal mark etched into her breast and she would have cared to draw attention to it, even if that meant losing the moment and the orgasm that she was so close to. It didn't matter because this JJ wasn't the JJ whom she had fallen in love with - this JJ was someone else entirely. She'd fallen for someone who didn't exist, and it was that thought that carried her clenched fist to knock three times against the solid oak door that, beyond it, held her future.

**CM-CM-CM**

Emily had been gone for fifteen minutes now and still JJ hadn't budged one inch. Instead, she had spent every second stood rigidly still with her back against the shelves behind her, staring at what she assumed to be toner in her line of sight on the shelves of the opposite wall. Honestly, whatever she was staring at was so insignificant, but trying to figure that out was far preferable than trying to gauge what she did from here. No part of her knew what she did from here - just what she _shouldn't_ do.

Like that she shouldn't chase Emily into the open view of some of the country's best minds and beg for the chance that she didn't deserve; the chance that she wouldn't be able to justify being given even if she was that lucky. Like that she shouldn't hope that somewhere between this supply closet and Hotch's office, Emily had changed her mind and was currently on her way back to her. Like that she shouldn't cry, not even one teardrop, because those self-pitying swirls of moisture wouldn't change one damn thing. Like that she shouldn't leave here and carry her sob story to Garcia; not only because she was quite sick of leaning on her so heavily every five minutes, but because she knew without a shadow of a doubt that her friend would do everything within her power to cease Emily's resignation and prevent her departure - and she couldn't take that away from Emily when she had already taken everything else.

So instead, she checked her face in the steel cabinet to her left and swiped away any tears that had fallen without her permission. The rippled, distorted reflection of herself held an image that she detested, but it was at least one that was mundane enough to not alert the prying eyes of profilers; and she left that small room and wandered back to her desk like none of the past twenty minutes had happened. Of course, it had. Of course, there was so much over-analysing in her future that the prospect of sifting through gave her a headache. But right here, right now - it didn't _exist_. It couldn't exist, because the moment it did was the moment that she turned this into something that it just shouldn't; just like she had all those months ago with Emily.

**CM-CM-CM**

"Emily?" Hotch's brow furrowed as he looked up from his paperwork; immediately pushing the important notes aside in favour of his agent, his friend, who looked like she was carrying the whole weight of the world on her shoulders and yet, true to Emily Prentiss form, holding a posture that told a different story. But then his eyes fell to the envelope in her hand and released a breath that he'd been holding since she had returned three months ago - the breath that had been _waiting_ for this day to come. "Why don't you take a seat."

Taking one last look at the paper in her hand, she composed herself and perched herself on the chair in front of Hotch; sliding the envelope slowly along the mahogany surface of his desk before lacing her fingers in her lap. There was no need for formalities - she knew that he was already aware of what was in that envelope before he'd even opened it - but she elaborated anyway as his typically emotionless eyes scanned the document. "I was offered a position in London three months ago. I turned it down initially but after a lot of thought, I think it's time. It just doesn't feel the same being back here and this is a wonderful opportunity for me. I'd be running the-"

"Why are you lying to me?" Hotch questioned plainly, cutting her off as he skimmed over her 'reasons' on the page in front of him.

"I.. I don't know what you mean." Emily lied, her face solid but her eyes betraying her.

"I mean.." He began as he finally looked up, entwining his hands over the paper. "Why are you telling me that this is about new opportunities when really it's about Ian Doyle?"

Emily visibly breathed a sigh of relief - the feeling of which blinding her to the fact that such a nuance in itself would bring her motives into question once more. "I don't know, it's just a difficult topic, ya know? I guess I.. I felt safer claiming my reasons to be something else. But you're right. It's difficult being here after everything and I have a lot of issues that I need to take a step away from." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't exactly the truth either.

Hotch nodded, his eyes downcast before placing the letter into his top desk drawer and speaking abruptly. "You may leave now."

Emily's brow furrowed; having expected to have to endure more from this conversation than she actually just did she felt wholly out of her depths. "I.. don't understand."

"Emily.." Hotch looked up. "You are an incredible profiler, but you should never assume that you are the best. Something that you must have truly believed if you thought that I would buy that display that you just so easily provided me with." The combination of both guilt and regret hidden behind the indication that she was still trying to hide the truth pushed him to continue. "Emily Prentiss would never willingly admit weakness like you just did, which tells me that that reasoning is not entirely true. I will file this for you and sign off on it, because I don't think you would have set the wheels in motion for this resignation had you not thought it through properly, but just know that I am very aware that what you have given me is nothing but falsities and until you can truly admit to me why it is that you feel the need to leave, there is nothing more to discuss. You will work out your final two weeks and then you're free to do whatever you wish."

His eyes were trained on hers; purposely, she knew, reading every emotion in them as his words set in. But she made no effort to insult him further by covering those emotions and instead allowed him to know that he was completely right before nodding curtly. What more could she honestly say to him without causing JJ to lose her job and bring her own ability to juggle her personal life and professional into question? "Thank you, sir." She spoke, only briefly wondering if 'thank' was really the correct word as she left his office.

And beyond the other side of _that_ closed door, she felt something else entirely; something that she hadn't quite prepared herself for. The panic had eased and her future shone brighter than ever, but she couldn't ignore this feeling within her chest. It was almost like pieces of herself were both disappearing and strengthening.

From the balcony, her eyes fell to Spencer Reid; currently running his eyes at lightening-speed over line after line of a textbook as his single digit that skimmed the paper fought to keep up, and piece of herself slipped away with the knowledge that in fourteen days time, his innocence would no longer be the butt of her jokes each day.

Then to David Rossi, his hunched figure seen through the slightly ajar door of his office; his aged eyes staring with both sadness and joy to the picture in his wrinkled hands, and yet another piece broke off and disappeared into oblivion with the knowledge that in fourteen days time, his experienced though somewhat mischievous wisdom would no longer be a part of her every day life to guide her in ways that he likely didn't even realise.

To the darkened twist of a corridor that she knew lead to an equally darkened room that was illuminated from all angles with every color of the rainbow; the room that held the most vibrant, free-spirited woman she had ever met, and the one person out of all of them whose strength she truly envied.. and another piece crumbled.

Back to the bull pen and Derek Morgan; the man who was essentially her best friend and shared his life with her without question but knew absolutely nothing about what she had endured over recent months - both with Ian Doyle and Jennifer Jareau - and she wondered briefly if anyone really knew her anymore. If _she_ even knew herself anymore.

And the answer to that came question fell into her hands at the exact moment that her eyes drifted to JJ; sitting back at her desk with eyes that showed, to her, that she was simply another story to tuck beneath her belt of experience. She'd never wanted to be that to JJ - she'd always wanted to be so much more - but under the current circumstance, she just could not see that happening. Under this circumstance, where she couldn't even trust her own mind anymore, that wasn't possible.

Combined, each one of these people had their stories, their pains, their memories and experiences, and it had all lead them here; to this family. And a part of her truly hoped that one day, this very moment would lead her back here too. But for now.. there was a different path that she absolutely had to take, and one that would remove the safety net of being able to avoid self-analysis in favour of ignorance. She needed to figure out who she was again - who she was without Doyle lingering over her shoulder.

Who she was without Jennifer Jareau.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen: _Ghost_**

She felt like a fraud during those last days at the BAU; the same question burning on her lips that she knew to be on everyone else's: did she care at all? Did she care that she was leaving and, in fact, did she, despite knowing how necessary it was, hold _any_ wish that it wasn't so? She wanted to say that she did, but that was a lie that she couldn't bring herself to tell, so instead she focused on not focusing on it at all; pretended that her imminent departure didn't exist and continued each day like it was any other.

Where she should have been making the most of the time that she had left with her friends and colleagues, she had not only distanced herself from them more than ever but she had also deprived them of that opportunity too. She felt wholly sure that in some way, either with rough certainty or just educated suspicion, each of her friends knew; and yet she left the topic to float there in the air like it meant nothing. Like she hadn't spent the past six years of her life in close proximity with these people, like she hadn't risked that life each and every day with these people, like she hadn't formed seemingly impenetrable bonds with these people.

Like _they_ meant absolutely nothing; just another stepping stone in her perpetually semi-permanent life.

She knew it, knew that she was disconnecting herself, knew that they didn't deserve it; and yet she found herself paralysed and wholly incapable of doing anything about it. She was so afraid to admit the truth, to utter the words, "I'm leaving again," – not because she didn't want to deal with the fallout, but because she wasn't sure that she had the emotional capacity necessary to deal with such a fallout in a way that would render the situation at all better than it was right now. It honestly did seem that from the second that she had exited Hotch's office, she had been left lacking something that actually, she had only mildly held in the past, but at least it had been there. Something had shifted, abandoned her like she was about to abandon them; and now.. now _she_ wasn't even certain that she cared or whether she just wanted out of that prison and on to the next.

She supposed that was why she was capable of looking at JJ these days without her guard up – there was nothing there _to_ guard. Her compartmentalisation skills had truly outdone themselves and finally pushed her into that numb oblivion that she had only ever reached the outskirts of in the past. She looked at JJ and felt strangely close to nothing. It baffled her; she had had all of these feelings for this woman, was certain that she still did, and yet whenever she smelt her perfume, or felt her presence beside her, it didn't evoke a feeling good or bad. It was just.. _nothing_. And that was worse than any feeling, because it told her two things, neither of which she could quite settle on: either she never had _genuinely_ felt anything for JJ and all that had taken place between them was simply fruitless desires of the flesh or a means of finding a feeling in her inexplicable numbness; or, she had felt something so terrifyingly real that she had subconsciously pushed and pushed until that place within her capable of such emotions had given out.

Perhaps, if it was the latter, that was entirely understandable and logical. She imagined it to be similar to when you badly cut yourself, and after so much of the excruciating pain that comes with such an injury, the wound naturally numbs itself to a certain extent until you don't really feel it anymore. Was that was this was? Was her body naturally numbing itself? Shielding her from the the stuff that, through her own denial, she wouldn't know what to do with? The person who doesn't allow themselves to feel is often the most vulnerable, because when that is no longer an option they find themselves without the experience necessary to deal with such emotions; was that her?

But that didn't make sense when it wasn't just JJ.. why would she shield herself from people who had actually never done a thing to damage her in any way? Garcia was one of the most loyal people she had ever been lucky enough to know, and yet when she'd meet her lovingly inquisitive eyes across the conference room table, she didn't even feel obligation. Hotch had fought her corner more times than she could count, believed in her when others certainly didn't, and yet when she found herself on the receiving end – or not, as the case was - of his disappointed diverted stare, she felt nothing. Then of course there was Rossi; the man whom she had shared one of her most closely guarded secrets with all those years ago, and yet when he bathed her with his paternal concern in those last few days, she didn't even blink. Reid and his adorable innocence; nothing. Morgan and his-

"Were you gona tell me?" Morgan yelled loud enough for Emily to hear over the music emanating from her earphones with a relentless, tinny beat.

"What?" She panted as she kept her speed on the machine beneath her feet; a downplaying smile at her lips that she hated herself for. "You're not going to.. to try to stop.. stop me from killing myself.. this time?" Of course, she was referring to their earlier encounter several months ago in this very same spot; instinctively injecting humour into a situation where it absolutely did not belong and unintentionally making a joke of his justified feelings too. The feelings that she should be mirroring in some way but just couldn't.

"No." Morgan spoke plainly and shook his head slowly when Emily finally ended her workout and faced him fully. "I didn't have much of a choice in that last time, did I?"

Emily's intense focus on the mundane task of swiping the sweat from her flushed face with a towel ended abruptly as she saw, very clearly, that Morgan was in no way prepared to accommodate her self-involved ignorance. What had begun as an intentional joke on her part had twisted to a painful reminder of the hurt that she had caused this man a year ago, caused the people she loved – was causing them _again_ without even giving them the courtesy of knowing it - and the nonchalance in her eyes turned to empathy, sorrow; regret. "I'm sorry." She whispered honestly. "I just.. I have to do this, Morgan."

"Why?" He questioned, his eyes serious with just a hint of sadness. "What possible reason could you have to do this?"

Emily studied the man before her for a moment, attempting to figure out just how much honesty she really owed him and just how much she could live with herself for omitting. But that wasn't really her decision to make. Giving some of her reasons, or rather the final nail that had placed her here, wasn't an option. Telling her story, meant telling JJ's story too, and just like fifteen weeks ago when they had had a conversation that held similar answers, that was something that she wasn't prepared to do. "I just need you to trust that this is what I have to do, Morgan. Please trust that. Trust _me_."

"Trust _you_?" Morgan spat; his disbelief causing the words to come out louder than intended and he ushered Emily away from the other agents around them before he spoke again, his voice much quieter. "How can I trust you when the last time I did, I wound up mourning over an empty coffin? How can I trust you when you know everything about me and yet for the past three months you've been nothing more than a ghost here? You've always been private Emily, but you're so far gone these days that a part of me isn't even upset that you're leaving.. Honestly.." He scoffed. "You left us a long time ago."

He was right. He was very right and she wasn't about to argue with him. In all honesty, she was so scattered across this world that she really wasn't here anymore; not fully. There were parts of her in the many countries in which she had spent her childhood; parts of her in Tuscany where she had conducted the infiltration of Ian Doyle; parts of her in Paris where she had spent eight months secluded from everything and everyone she knew; and there were parts of her with JJ, so many parts that the blonde didn't even realise she held. There were so many pieces missing that there was barely any of her remaining, and that is why she had to leave; she had some of the best friends in the world, a family so much better than the one that she had been born into, and she owed them far more than this 'ghost' that she had become.

She had to leave in order to return; she had to lose herself completely in order to put herself back together.

"You're right." She nodded, her eyes unguarded, the emotions in them - though not necessarily more than obligatory - unrestrained. "You're right, and that is why I need to leave. You're worth more than what I can give you right now Morgan, you all are. And I _have_ to do this. It just.. it doesn't feel the same here anymore, and you deserve more than the empty shell that I am these days."

He wanted to protest, to fight against what he was realising was the inevitable, but that anger in his eyes softened within a second and the words that passed his lips were nothing like they had sounded in his mind. "When do you leave?"

She swallowed nervously. "In two days."

"Two.." He couldn't even finish his sentence; his anger returning with the realisation that she had robbed him of the little time that he had left with her, as well as the other that convinced him that he had been right – she really hadn't planned to tell him. She really hadn't planned to tell any of them. "And I was.. what? Supposed to just figure it out when you didn't show up for work on Monday?"

Emily pursed her lips guiltily and briefly looked away; but she couldn't lie – even if that was technically what she wound up doing. "I would have called.." She saw his heart break in that second; literally watched it shatter in his eyes and she physically had to stop herself from reaching out to him because she knew that such a gesture would have been as unrequited as the hug that she had given him when she magically reappeared three and a half months ago. "But you know now, Morgan. You know and I'm glad you do because now we can.. now we can.."

"Now we can what, Emily? Have a 'Sorry you're leaving' night out? Nah.." He shook his head, his distaste still visible across every inch of his face. "I don't think so. If you wana do this alone, you do this alone. And if you don't give a crap then I certainly don't either. Leave right now for all I care."

And with those harsh words, he disappeared without a second glance. But Emily was glad that he didn't look back, because had he done so, he would have seen the tears glossing her eyes and known that they were deceitful. They weren't tears of regret or sorrow; they were tears of obligation, a formality. It was an incredibly empty place to find herself; she only wished that seeing the heartache in him had actually hurt her rather than left her with an even bigger void, that those tears in her eyes depicted grief rather than solid evidence that she truly was making the right decision.

But perhaps she was right.. Perhaps her pain threshold really had reached its max in recent weeks, and now all she was left with was the vacuum that had fuelled her to this point and would continue to do so throughout these last forty-eight hours with the Bureau, her family. The vacuum that, unbeknownst to her in that very moment, would suck and suck her dry of everything that made her human, logical, rational; until she finally lost control completely. And she would. For a moment, one single, hypnotised moment, she would feel something so excruciatingly intense and misdirected that it would turn to chaos within a matter of seconds. Before she could grab it, before she could stop it and place any semblance of logic into what she was doing, such a moment would not only leave her further devoid of feeling towards the wreckage that she was abandoning, but it would provide her with more of that evidence that seemed to be in abundance these days.

It was for the best.

**CM-CM-CM**

Her apartment felt emptier than usual as she walked through it that evening. Of course, it had been physically empty for days; her belongings preceding her to their new life in anticipation of her arrival. It really was set in stone now; resignation signed and handed in, the lease on her apartment permanently signed over to someone else, even her damn couch that she had very rarely sat upon anyway was gone and yet, where she should have felt some sense of nostalgia, some kind of longing for the life that was almost over, she just didn't.

Packing those belongings though.. well that had been a different matter entirely. Perhaps it wasn't Hotch's office where she had lost those final pieces of herself; perhaps those parts were actually in the cardboard boxes currently in a shipping crate somewhere across the Atlantic Ocean. Perhaps they were buried beneath the cushions of her sofa, suffocating under the cellophane protecting priceless paintings, crammed into totes and hidden inside shoes, appliances, utensils. Perhaps they were trapped between all of those possessions that her mother had told her not to bother taking; "It's not like we're lacking in the funds, Emily. For the cost of shipping, you could simply buy new things." But this was the woman who had taught her that everything was disposable; including people. She didn't understand. She didn't understand because she had never felt attachment to something any day in her miserable life and perhaps this was Emily's way of convincing herself that she wasn't like her. She would never be like her.

Of course, the Ambassador had been particularly excited about the news of Emily's career change; something about having a daughter to be proud of, the subtext that such a thing would do wonders for her reputation. She hadn't even tried to hide her clearly elite parenting skills during that phone call and perhaps that was the reason that, aside from Hotch, she was the only person that Emily had flat out told – she knew that she wouldn't have to make any pretense with her. She wouldn't be looking for or expecting emotion anyway since the woman was so wholly devoid of such a thing.

If there had been any point in all of this though, since she had left that resignation letter in Hotch's hands, that she had even considered storming in there and snatching it back, it was that previous Saturday; the one that she had, against her mother's advice to at least allow the removal men to do it, spent almost every hour packing up the priceless heirlooms, elegant furniture and inanimate objects that on the face of it meant nothing, but really meant everything. That was why she couldn't simply 'buy new things' as her mother had so graciously put it; because new things wouldn't tie her to the memories that she didn't want to lose to her compartments when her own mind wasn't allowing such nostalgia. It wasn't their cost – though it was fair to say that almost everything that had been in her apartment held a price tag greater than most could afford. No, it was the price tag that didn't hold a monetary amount that caused her to hold them so dear; the one that told stories and evoked pain, remembered experiences and caused a genuine smile to creep across her tired face as she sunk to the hardwood floor of her now boxed up living room that Saturday evening.

Her couch; the one that looked as though it had come with the apartment for how well it fit with the décor, but such a thing was really accredited to the interior designer that her mother had hired for her as a 'congratulations' gift in place of dinner or her actual presence when she had gotten her position with the BAU. It still looked as pristine and new as the day that it had been delivered, which was mostly down to the fact that she was never home to actually sit upon it, except that one time.. That one time when she had felt so wholly comfortable and content in a single moment that she had fallen asleep with the scent of spicy perfume surrounding her and a warm body beside her, against her. The night long before this mess, the night that really wasn't significant but was everything because it represented a time when her and JJ weren't this broken pile of nothing that rendered everything that they had shared somewhat meaningless. Those moments with JJ were rare considering the backdrop of their relationship; about as rare as the occasions that she had actually sat upon that couch and that's what made it special. That was why she couldn't leave it behind.

The walls lining her hall; she couldn't take them with her obviously and it was an entirely ridiculous concept, but there was this small piece of her that wanted to frame those walls. Cut out just one square and encase it in a gold trim.. because that was where it had happened. That was where her and JJ had shifted from friends, possibly just friends, to no-questions-about-it, 100% lovers. It had been bittersweet, especially in the end and it still was; but she'd never change one part of it for anything.

The kitchen island where she had sat with Garcia and JJ on girl's night, that had actually wound up as poker night during which she had kicked both of their arses; the TV on which she had watched god awful horror movies with Morgan and Spencer on the nights that they had strangely dubbed 'boys night'; the coffee table where Rossi had set the priceless bottle of whiskey that he brought over as a 'glad you're alive!' gift several months ago; the bed in which she had explored every inch of Jennifer Jareau's body, studied her angelic face as she experienced heaven and actually felt something more than nothing. Something real, something intense and consuming.. something that, right in that moment, combined forces with the unforgettable, imminent finality and made it's presence known in cooling lines of liquid gracing her cheeks and splashing against her hand.

But that was then, many days ago, and this was now.. A new day, a new Emily; one that so painfully resembled her mother that she could almost feel the cracks in her face whenever she tried to smile, frown, display any kind of emotion other than robot-mode.

The only thing left in her apartment aside from the essentials was the ghosts that echoed deafeningly around the naked walls, bounced off of the barely scuffed hardwood floor beneath her and swooped into the box by her feet; the forest green, worn, medium-sized metal chest that deserved more than to be wrapped in cellophane and posted out into the world. It was no bigger than a mail box, and of course it would have to be checked at the airport, but it had come with her this far; it wasn't leaving her side now, even just for a matter of days. It moved with a slight shuffling sound as she took up the same spot that she had spent hours in just days ago and slid it in front of her now crossed legs. The DC city lights that shone into her apartment and lit the otherwise darkened space illuminated each individual item that she pulled from the box in some kind of angelic glow, and she found it funny that such a small space could hold basically her entire life, but essentially it did.

She was someone who kept things, kept little mementos to remind her that she had a human side, even if it did like to show itself sporadically. In moments much like this, it was an important knowledge to cling to, especially considering the example that she had been led by her whole childhood. It was an act that she had conducted many times throughout her life, every time that she had had to up and leave the place that she had finally adapted to and jump to a suddenly new and foreign life, only to make those same adjustments once again. Perhaps a part of her was hoping that wandering through the contents of this otherwise plain, forty year old box would evoke the feeling in her that she was searching for, provide her with the substance necessary to bridge the gaps that she would be leaving behind, but she couldn't help but wonder if one day, the life that she had had here would wind up like the rest of it.. reduced to nothing but a few mementos in a box that was very seldom opened.

Item number one.. A now dulled silver chain with a St. Christopher pendant attached that Matthew had given to her right before she left, for probably the tenth time, to start a new life; the thin, wearing silver links weaved purposefully around a small faded piece of card that held some pro-life message that had been handed to her outside of the abortion clinic all those years ago. It seemed odd and somewhat crass that she had even kept such a thing, but in some strange way it kept her grounded. It was the only physical memory that tied her to her unborn child – however contradictory it technically was – and it was always, without fail, the very first thing she pulled out of this box whenever she wandered down memory lane.

She pressed her lips to the faded paper, and much like she always did, she found a whole new world behind her closed eyelids. A world where she now had a twenty-eight year old child; a world lined with memories of diaper changes and first steps, where tiny fingers gripped onto her own and innocent laughter filled her ears. A world where reputation and disapproval overshadowed those small delights and when she opened her eyes again, she still, much like every other time, struggled to figure out whether she had made the right decision. It was a memory that haunted her without reprieve, and just like every other day of the past twenty-eight years, she could only hope that on one of them, she would open her eyes to either redemption or condemnation.

The next item was a new one, but even in that moment she knew that it would forever be the second memory that she would pull out of this box in the meticulous order that she had created over the years; considering its predecessor, it just seemed appropriate. Two sides of the scale, yin and yang. She remembered the day that she had gotten it; the day when Will had stopped by the BAU after he'd collected Henry from daycare to take JJ home. It had been a particularly tough case on all of them and yet it wasn't the case that she remembered when she stared at the brightly coloured, somewhat abstract painting in her hands; it was the small, blonde boy that had come wandering over to her desk with nothing but pure innocence in the cerulean eyes between his furrowed brow. "Why are you sad, Aunt Emmy?" He had asked with genuine concern that Emily had sparsely ever found in an adult, and before she could formulate a child-appropriate answer he had somehow understood her guarded nature; handed over the artwork and added, "I made this for you." It had felt somewhat wrong to accept that painting whilst she knew the truth; whilst she knew that she was technically betraying this tiny human-being that had never once done a thing to hurt her.. And with a guilty look that depicted their shared secret to JJ who was watching from the opposite side of the bullpen - JJ who represented such a complex portion of her life - she took the offered picture, grateful for the simplicity that Henry's mere presence cast upon her. Perhaps it should have been a tainted moment; perhaps this physical memory as a whole should be somewhat tainted and yet it wasn't. It reminded her of the ease that her and JJ's relationship should have been born from, flourished into and faded out as; the free-spirited way in the which the multitude of colours swooped and swirled across the paper reminding her that 'never' is a redundant word. It reminded her that she may have walked through a mine field to get this far, but she had at least made it this far; she had at least been witness to some incredible things along the way, however insignificantly they had shown themselves. It reminded her of hope.. the good kind of hope. The kind of hope that she had felt that morning fourteen days ago as she signed away her life; the kind of hope that she wanted, needed, to keep hold of.

She flipped through memory after memory, drawing out the moment to give each memento the time that it deserved and truly experience any feeling that it evoked within her: the worn, gold matchbook from her days with Ian Doyle; key cards from every hotel that her and the team had stayed at when out of town on a case; a pink fluffy pen stolen from Garcia's office that the memory of such an act evoked a small but real smile; napkins upon napkins scrawled with messy drawings that Spencer had mindlessly created during his lunch break and, with a little begging, had given to her as a gift; a greeting card, faded now, from that one time that her mother had found her human side and actually written something worth reading.

She rediscovered everything like it was the first time - though, still painfully devoid of that feeling that she had been searching for when she began this - and it was almost 11pm when she came to the final piece of the puzzle of her life so far; the piece that had only been added a matter of weeks ago. The crumpled pieces of yellow paper almost bulged out of the confines of the small bag holding them, and she had to laugh at the explanation that she had concocted for the cleaner who she had had to chase to get them back. Perhaps she could have simply lied that it was evidence for a case that shouldn't have been thrown out, and in the FBI headquarters that would have flown; but she had been so frustrated with herself for even wanting these back that she hadn't really put much thought into it. "Uh.. I like paper?" It really had been more of a question, and one that received her a silent question from the cleaner as she, through clear fear for her own safety, handed over the plastic bag of scrunched up balls of paper. Of course, this was the same cleaner whom she had fought with for weeks against her taking away that trash can until she eventually lost that battle, so there was already some semblance of understood craziness between them. She had shoved them in this box that very night and forgotten about them until now; until they were sprawled out like bright stars across the dark wooden paneling beneath her; ' _I will fight for you. I will fight for you. I will fight for you,_ ' repeated like a wish across each of those stars.

"I wouldn't fight for me.." She whispered, feeling pathetic enough to shove them back into the clear trash bag that she had just pulled them from.

And with that, in reverse order, she began the process of placing each memento back into that box; some kind of clear, unalterable understanding now that this really wasn't just about JJ. It was about every one of the pieces – every one of the pieces that in some way, depicted a regret rather than a fond memory. It was about finding a place where she was both free and grounded; both things that she didn't feel here anymore. It was about searching and finding, not searching and cowering away when she reached a memory that she didn't want to revisit. It was removing every safety net that she had ever enforced and allowing herself to free-fall into the unknown.

It was turning towards the light, the one that often blinded her, for the first time in her forty-three year existence and truly experiencing what it had to offer; something that she vowed she would begin tomorrow, in a small office, in a large building, in a huge city, even if that meant faking it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen: _Almost Lover_**

_Seven hours_ ; that's how long JJ had had to sit behind Emily after their conversation in the supply closet, tracing the graceful curl of her shoulders and memorizing every curve that her eyes could reach. As she had just so brutally learned, it wouldn't be long before that elegance and impeccable, ageless beauty was no longer a staple in her daily life, and she needed these hours to ensure that she remembered every inch. Besides, following the line of faint stitching along the back of Emily's tailored, dark grey blazer, or studying each and every brown-black hair that fell like silk against that material, or analysing the way that her posture was both masculine and feminine; was far better than remembering the reason that she was having to do such a thing in the first place.

 _Ninety-one minutes_ ; that's how much sleep JJ had had the night that Emily had handed in her resignation. She'd tossed and she'd turned but she had found no position that made her feel comfortable enough to fall into even a semi-peaceful state. See, the difference wasn't simply that she knew what it was like to fall asleep beside Emily – she'd endured the past three months without that and actually slept relatively okay for the most part – it was the knowledge that it would _never_ be hers again. Coming to terms with losing something isn't so bad when there's still a chance that you may experience it again, that you even slightly have a choice in the unwanted situation – essentially, nothing is really lost at that point, it is simply postponed. But this, the now.. this was so final. It was so final that she couldn't even convince herself that maybe, one day, she would experience the blissful comfort of the heat of Emily's body pressed against her again; that all her efforts would prevail, she'd find redemption and be permitted admittance to that heaven once more. Now, she had nothing to cling to, and even the pillow that she pressed against her back to mimic the brunette's presence made no difference. In fact, it made it worse.

And that was her routine every single day for those final days preceding Emily's departure. Sometimes, the surroundings or the location would change, depending on whether they were out on a case, or if she was sitting in Garcia's office, or if she was in an empty hotel room rather than her own bed; but the act itself remained the same. The _feelings_ remained the same. It almost felt like acceptance, even though she knew that she would _never_ truly accept her loss, and it was similar to defeat too, but she also knew that in all truth, it couldn't really be defeat when Emily technically wasn't victorious either.

Emily.. the one constant to the correlation, the main factor in what was now an engrained act. With Emily to focus on, she could pretend; without Emily around, pretending wasn't an option. She knew that there was far more to that realisation than she had allowed herself to comprehend in the early hours of the morning when it had crossed her mind, but she would analyse the implications of that at a later date. For now, she would continue the same routine that she had each and every day: analysing Emily by day; trying and failing to avoid analysing herself by night. And it would be a further two days, when her ability to pretend boarded a plane to a new life, before she'd finally recognise the message that she was missing in her self-concluded realisation. A further two days before a clear path emerged in the wake of the brunette's departure.

She didn't really talk to Emily anymore aside from professionally, couldn't bring herself to through fear of losing the semi-numbed bliss that she had found herself in; the semi-numbed bliss that was and would be necessary to endure the fact that the woman she loved was walking out of her life willingly. It was a welcome feeling really, even if she didn't quite understand it. Emily was leaving, after everything, after every ounce of effort that she had put forth to keep her over the past few months.. and yet it was like she'd given up the fight, tossed in her gloves and sat on the side watching as the brunette studied her victory like she herself was coming to the realisation that there really were no winners in this. For the first time, it was like they were on the same page and when their paths did cross; there was no longer a vacant stare, but actually some kind of understanding between brown and blue. Was it possible that after all of this, it would be distance that would bring them closer together? That was a notion that JJ couldn't even consider anymore - having had hope remove its guise before her very eyes and reveal its true nature – and instead she was simply grateful, placid, almost robotic.

Almost robotic until the day before Emily left, when everything came to a head in such quick succession that neither one of them had been able to grab it; the explosive finale to this whole tragic love story that would probably be used in seminars one day to portray the cons of intra-office relations to young and budding agents.

It had seemed like any one of the other fourteen days that she had become used to when she arrived at work that morning, only marred slightly by the fact that it would be the last that began this way; but as soon as she took a seat at her desk to begin the routine of studying Emily like a complex algorithm and the object of her attention turned to face her abruptly.. everything changed.

"Which part are you going to focus on today?"

Her eyes both widened and looked around nervously at the bold question and she could feel her cheeks flush red as she stuttered. "I.. I don't.." There was something similar to a smirk on Emily's lips though, and she genuinely wasn't sure if it was an olive branch or some kind of twisted power game that would ensure that she left tomorrow morning with the upper hand that she had already been given; and JJ's nervous stuttering turned to a solid response that assumed the latter. "I'm going to focus on the cases that I have on my desk like I do every other day. What about you, Agent Prentiss?"

 _Apparently I'm going to focus on how much of a bitch I can be to you in order to forget the fact that I'll be saying goodbye in eight hours and that I probably won't even get that goodbye._ She was shocked at how honestly her brain had answered such a question – even if it had remained in the confines of her mind, it was still untypical for her to actually admit the truth to herself and such a surprise forced a response from her lips that, unbeknownst to her, would set the wheels in motion for the majority of this day to transform into something that it shouldn't have been. "I'm going to focus on how I'm going to decorate my new office in London." _No.. no, I did not just say that._

 _No.. no, she did not just say that._ "How about black?" JJ responded casually, somehow managing to keep the hurt out of her voice as she stood to head over to the break room. "I think that colour would be perfectly suited to you."

Emily didn't respond, too overwhelmingly angry at herself for saying something so unnecessarily cruel that she just turned away and directed her gaze to the open file on her desk; her eyes focusing intently, her mind analysing everything _but_ what was in front of her. She should have recognised the feeling really – the seams splitting within her – but she was too wrapped up _what_ she had said to even begin to recognise what it meant to have had said it at all. But when she finally realised that she had read the same line seventeen times, she abruptly stood and began the process of making the heartfelt goodbyes that her apparently black heart could hopefully muster.

She didn't even look at JJ as she passed the break room – no, that one would wait until later. Right now, she had apologies to make elsewhere and before she knew it, she was stood outside the nondescript door to Garcia's lair, raising a hand to knock that shook with nerves that she hadn't recognised that she was feeling. And as the voice beyond the door yelled, in some colourful fashion, for her to enter, she had to consciously force herself to not walk away – Garcia's response to her presence when she finally walked through the door making her wish that she had.

"Oh.." Garcia turned back to her computer; the vibrancy leaving her voice instantly. "I thought you were Morgan."

 _Ouch.._ Clicking the door closed behind her, Emily stood for a moment like a child waiting to be scolded before finally finding the courage to speak; though, her words were likely what neither of them had been expecting. "I did treat her right, you know.." _Did being the operative word_ , she mused as she remembered what had just unfolded in the bull pen.

Garcia spun slowly in her chair, her eyebrow raised in both disbelief and curiousity.

"Look, Garcia.. This.." She sighed; the ever eloquent Emily Prentiss somehow not so eloquent anymore. "I.. I just.." She stuttered some more before Garcia finally took pity on her.

"I know, honey." The blonde nodded. "I know that if you had had any choice, this wouldn't be how things turned out. I know you wanted better for you guys, she did too. But I also know that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the very _same_ thing and that none of us are impervious to that. JJ knows that as well." She watched Emily swallow with either sorrow or uncertainty – she wasn't certain which – before she continued. "That isn't my issue though, Emily. Well.." She laughed humourlessly, knowing that there was a whole world of things left unsaid between the two agents that would now likely never be said - but it wasn't her place. "Not my only issue at least."

Confused brown eyes snapped up.

"My issue is similar to Morgan's, Emily." Her eyebrows furrowed sadly. "Except I know more than he does, which means I know that you're leaving because of a broken heart. Did we really make it that easy for you to walk out of our lives? And do so without even warning us. Did we not earn the right to _know_ , or the opportunity to stop you?"

For the second time in two weeks and the first time since Morgan had stopped her in the gym just yesterday, Emily actually felt something. Actually allowed herself to feel something; even if it was minute. And where she had stopped herself from caring with Morgan and instead gave some stuttering consolation, she actually permitted genuine words to redeem the implications in Garcia's. "I'm not leaving because of a broken heart, Garcia." She shook her head. "Honestly, JJ is only one factor in a long line of many and I.. I don't know who I am anymore." _The bitch that just emerged in the bullpen showed me that._ "That's why I have to leave and.. No, you didn't make it easy. This _isn't_ easy." She pulled a seat from the desk to Garcia's left and placed it directly in front of the blonde woman before sitting upon it. "If I didn't care, I would've have made some big typical show of apology and how much I was going to miss you but I.. I can't do that with you guys. It's.." She looked up slowly, allowing Garcia to see the honesty in her glossy eyes. "It's easier to ignore it than face how much I really am going to miss you all. Because as soon as I think about that, I begin to question if I should leave at all. It's the only thing strong enough that could ever make me stay."

"Then don't _go_ , Emily." Garcia implored softly. "Stay. We can figure out whatever it is without you flying half way across the world. Just.. just stay."

"I can't.." Emily whispered, only somewhat regretfully. "I can't stay, Garcia. Not now."

"What if I.." Garcia began, desperately clutching at straws; she must have been if she was genuinely considering breaking JJ's trust and she was grateful when Emily redirected her comments. "What if I told you I know why you and JJ wound up the way you did?"

"Then you'd be a more insightful woman than me, but I think both know that you are already." Emily smiled.

"No, Emily, I mean-"

"I know what you mean, Garcia." The brunette soothed with an understanding nod. And she did know - not necessarily _what_ it was that JJ had been battling, but certainly that she was battling something. It had been far easier to convince herself that the blonde was conniving and malicious, but she wasn't stupid; she knew that she wasn't either of those things and the portrayal of that in her own mind had been no more than a means to end the ache in her chest - a feeling that she would be grateful for right about now. "I also know that it wouldn't make a difference. Perhaps JJ does have reasons for everything that happened.. I'm not sure I'm just being naive in refusing to believe that she's just a bad person. But honestly.. it _doesn't_ make a difference. I'm not leaving because of how things wound up with her, I'm leaving because I'm grateful that they wound up that way."

" _Grateful_?"

"Grateful." Emily nodded, realising the sentiment for the first time herself. She truly was grateful; she needed this, she needed to leave, and she'd known it from the very moment that she got the offer from Clyde too. But if she had had JJ in her life in a bigger capacity than she did now, she would never leave, however much she knew that she needed it. "This.. this decision has been a long time coming, and I'm not sure that had JJ and I gotten together under better circumstances, that I wouldn't still need to leave. And I couldn't do that to her so I'd just stay.. but in the long run that wouldn't help either of us."

Garcia nodded sadly, Emily's logic something that she just couldn't argue with; all she could do was accept it and hold onto the hope that one day, when she had found what she was searching for, the older woman would return. "Nothing is forever, Emily." She spoke softly and placed her hand on the brunette's. "Which.. I know you're realising right now. But that also means that regrets can't last forever, either. So if you ever, _ever_ , regret this decision, we will always be here. You hear me? Always."

Emily allowed her sad eyes to meet Garcia's once again and squeezed the hand currently brushing a comforting thumb over her own.

"Please don't ever forget that, Emily." Garcia repeated, desperate to get through to the ever-stubborn Emily Prentiss. "We're your family and the love of this family is unconditional. We will welcome you with open arms once you find what it is that you're searching for and return to us. Just know that you _can_ return to us. Promise me that you know that?"

"I promise." Emily responded honestly and tucked the reminder somewhere behind her heart, certain that she would need it one day. "I promise I know that."

"Good. Now.." Garcia swallowed back her tears and patted Emily's hand. "You should go before I start crying."

Emily smile, grateful for the light-hearted tones of her words as she stood and pressed a kiss to Garcia's cheek. "I will come say goodbye before I leave, okay?"

"No you will not." Garcia spoke sternly, her vice softening. "This isn't goodbye, Emily. You know that as well as I do." There was a silence that she wasn't sure was Emily's agreement or denial, and she quickly ended the conversation when found herself strangely certain that it may be the latter; she didn't even want to consider the possibility that Emily may never return. "Now, off you go! And, Emily?"

"Yeah?"

"Make sure you give JJ the courtesy of a goodbye."

A part of her felt frustration begin somewhere within her chest that she wasn't certain of the reason for. She supposed it was the use of that word - 'courtesy' - like she owed JJ something in all of this. Did she owe her anything? Whilst she knew that JJ wasn't necessarily the bad guy, some days it felt like she was given instant reprieves for her actions simply because of the naturally innocent air that she held. But that wasn't JJ's fault, it wasn't really anyone's fault, and when she really thought about – when she realised that her first sentiment that she had given as soon as she walked into this office was probably a lie – she realised that with this ghost that she had become these days, she herself probably really was deserving of at least some of that blame. Perhaps she did owe her that goodbye. "I'll think about. But I have some other things I need to tend to first."

And off she went. First to Rossi's office, where she thanked him for being a silent support to her since learning of her abortion; thanked him for being the father figure that she had never actually had. Where she gave him the opportunity to be disappointed that she had even considered not permitting them the chance to say goodbye, and basked with teary eyes as he told her that in a lot of ways, he understood.

And then to Reid, where she had had to physically grab ahold of him to stop him from storming away in anger when he heard the news. Where that means to an end had actually turned into a tight embrace as he sobbed against her shirt and she, true to form, fought the tears in her own eyes; willed the emptiness in her gut to allow her even the chance to cry and show her young friend that she did care. She really did care.. somewhere very deep down.

By lunch time, there were still people whom she needed to say goodbye to – Morgan especially - but it had taken her all morning to even begin to explain to those three in such a way that they accepted, that now she was exhausted. She was frustrated with herself that, though she had made it believable, she still wasn't giving her friends the feeling that they deserved; angry that in a situation where she should be heartbroken, she really felt nothing but a few sparse flickers of electric that fizzled to nothing just as quickly as they sparked. Something was missing that really should have been there. Which is why she had really stood no chance against herself when she had left a silent Reid in the conference room, quietly clicked the door closed on the grief that she had just caused in the young guy, and was immediately met with the sight of Jennifer Jareau heading into the supply closet that the she had cornered her in two weeks ago in attempts to stop this very train wreck - the train wreck that was about to explode before their very eyes through her own actions.

It hadn't been her intention when she followed her into that room – she had actually wanted to apologise, to repair the damaged bridges between them at least a little before she left – but as soon as the door was jammed closed with a broom behind her, something snapped within Emily and threw her into an irrational world where everything was JJ's fault. A world where she truly experienced what it felt like to lose complete control of her own mind.

JJ's fingers dug into the shelves in front of her as she recognised Emily's presence but she didn't turn as she spoke quietly. "What do you need, Emily?"

"I need you to act like you care." No, she needed herself to act like she cared, she needed to shake herself mind and yell, "What the hell are you doing?", she needed herself to be rational and able to look at this whole situation logically. But these days, that seemed to be something that she was entirely incapable of. She was projecting and she knew it, but that knowledge didn't stop this anger that was fuelling her; this need to cast blame where it really shouldn't have been directed if she had really thought about it for a second.

"Are you _serious_?" JJ finally turned, pure incredulousness bathing her face. "I've done nothing _but_ care, Emily." She shook her head and focused her gaze on the door as she tried to push by Emily. "Now just let me leave and go focus your attention on how you're going to _decorate your new office_."

Emily immediately stepped to the side and directly in front of JJ, her arms outstretched behind her to cover the door; she really was losing herself. "What?" She began with a malicious, somewhat patronising tone to her voice. "You don't wana have secret supply closet sex, JJ? You don't want me to fuck you against that wall while everyone else is just beyond that door so that you can get off on the danger?"

JJ's eyes were fixed in place, somewhat wide and glassy as they stared at Emily; partially because she couldn't wrap her mind around this swift and untypical change in the brunette, but also because it was undeniable that she _did_ want that. Not in the way that Emily was so cruelly describing, but she wanted her touch. Of course she did. In all of this, there had never been a point where she had stopped wanting that, where she had stopped wanting Emily in any capacity – even now, as the older woman used that knowledge and the power that she had over her to conduct some kind of heartless game. She _wanted_ to feel her one last time, even in this dingy supply closet and the throbbing ache between her thighs only attested to that.

Which was why, when Emily stepped forward, she was powerless to stop the brazen fingertips that dipped confidently beneath the hem of her black, V-neck sweater and ran the whole length of the waist of her jeans. Which was why, when she finally lifted her eyes to meet Emily's, there was a force so electric between the combination of darker than dark brown and navy blue that her feet mindlessly shuffled backwards in acceptance until a wall met her back. Which is why, when Emily's other hand worked at her button and zipper, she didn't protest but instead parted her eager thighs in encouragement.

There were no words. No conversation. Just a thunderous silence between their locked eyes that reduced any other sound to nothing. JJ's breaths were as shaky as her fluttering heartbeat as she anticipated that exquisite moment when Emily's elegant fingers would finally dip into wet folds and graze her clit for the first time in fifteen weeks; but real, actual words from that tempting mouth that had brought her to orgasm so many times both shattered and intensified the moment.

"Tell me to stop, JJ." Emily whispered as her fingers slipped beneath lace panties, purposely lingering above the heated liquid that she so longed to feel _despite_ the niggling voice at the back of her mind telling her that this moment was all wrong. "You're good at that." She spat venomously as JJ's eyes turned angry and she pushed her forcefully away, but the brunette didn't budge an inch and instead crushed their lips together in a kiss that held every ounce of pent-up emotion that both of them had felt since that fateful morning fifteen weeks ago. "Tell me, JJ." She panted breathlessly against JJ's swollen lips. "Tell me you don't want this."

"Don't.." She wanted to cry, and she wanted scream with joy as she finally found herself in Emily's close presence without a barrier between them. But when she opened her mouth to give Emily what she was asking of her in order to receive what she herself desperately craved, her trembling lips gave another, honest, response. " _Don't_ stop, Emily." Teary blues locked with glassy brown. "Please don't stop."

An appreciative gasp escaped both of her lips as Emily's fingertips finally slipped into the wetness that awaited them and when the older woman forced two fingers inside her without warning, all JJ could do was whimper; a whimper that fell somewhere between pleasure and heartbreak and tumbled from her slack, open mouth and directly into the one parted against her own as her mushed brain adjusted to the overwhelmingly intense sensation between her thighs.

She helplessly, slowly, ground her hips against Emily's invading fingers, both palms pressed flat against the wall behind her as her fingertips dug into the plasterboard; one of those hands gripping suddenly at Emily's upper arm when the brunette curled her fingers inside of her. Words lost necessity once again and were instead replaced with a swirl of combined whimpers and broken breaths from both of them; twisted around them and wrapped them in such an overpowering blanket of intensity that they didn't even notice when the broom blocking the door slipped from its position and clattered to the ground.

Emily finally found the feeling that she was searching for; she could feel it in her chest, manifesting with such intensity that she couldn't help the genuine tears falling from her eyes. She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to shut JJ out, she didn't want to abandon her family.. but she knew that she had to and it was that inevitability that pushed her to tangle the fingers of her left hand tightly in golden locks as she pressed their foreheads together and moved in time with her thrusting fingers. She didn't close her eyes, not once; she simply watched with both adoration, and longing for something that she had witnessed many times but never grew tired of.. and she felt love. Real, genuine love; the fact that JJ was even allowing her to do what she had just initiated, despite how used it must be making the younger woman feel, told her that it was real love that was reflected too. Somewhere, very deep down, buried beneath the tangled and twisted vines of lies and uncertainty and destruction, was love.

And JJ finally found the reason in the brunette's departure; the reason that soon became her own. This wasn't right anymore; in this form, it wasn't love and it certainly wasn't enough to justify shifting the dynamic of each of their lives so drastically. It had become something that it never should have been and somewhere between that first kiss and this very moment, they had both lost themselves entirely. It could have been something, if it had been done differently; but this, the now, it wasn't a fairytale.. this was just toxic, and destructive, and addictive in ways that left them oblivious to the damage that they were causing elsewhere. Obliviousness that was about to shatter before their very eyes..

They were so wrapped up in each other; wrapped up in emotions that neither one of them could pinpoint but that were causing hot, unrestrained tears to slide down their flushed cheeks as they moved together in their own little world, that even the booming voice that depicted Derek Morgan's anger didn't snap them from their reverie immediately. But when he yelled once again, they were ripped from that wholly clear and yet dangerously tainted moment and tossed into one that somewhat resembled the very moment after a bomb had gone off; that one silent second where the victims that somehow survived are still questioning if it really happened, even as the destruction around them assures them that it did.

"Are you _kidding_ me?"

Morgan's eyes burnt with tears that would typically depict sorrow but both women knew different and they immediately pulled apart; Emily's hands going out with a stuttering explanation, JJ's fumbling at her clothes to straighten herself up as her teary eyes stared wide at the ground in shock.

"Morgan. Morgan it's not-"

"This is the reason you're leaving, isn't it?" He spat incredulously before shaking his head in anger and disappearing from the small room. "I don't _believe_ you, Emily."

"No, Morgan, wait!" Emily yelled quietly – still trying to conduct some kind of damage control even after the damage had already been done. But when she followed him out of that closet, Morgan made no attempts to make the same effort and his rage-fueled words were loud enough that Hotch stepped out of his office; his eyes telling Emily that he'd now found the reasons that she wouldn't give fourteen days ago, and all she could do was close her own and swallow in defeat. This game, this damn destructive game, was finally over.

"Agent Prentiss-" He began, immediately amending his words when a strangely immaculate JJ stepped out of the supply closet with a guilty look on her face. To an average set of eyes, there was nothing about her that screamed that she'd just overstepped a line, but to him.. well, he knew better. "Agent Jareau. Both of you, my office. _Now_."

Every set of eyes in that damn place trained solely on them, and though Emily could see that they were no more than rubberneckers ogling a car wreck, responding to the loud interruption in their day and didn't actually know the fully story, or even really any of it; that didn't make it any easier to walk through their glaring gaze and it didn't make it any less awkward to pace the steps to Hotch's office like a school student sent to the principal.

"Either one of you care to tell me what that was about?" Hotch began as soon as the door to his office was closed; receiving nothing but nervous glances from both women so he tried a different tactic, one that cut right to the chase. "Emily, if JJ is the reason you're leaving then I can't-"

"She's not, Sir." Emily could see her much needed escape disappearing before her very eyes and she had to grasp hold of it before she lost it completely. "We.. We _helped_ each other out after a particularly strong case after her and Will had split. It was a one-time deal and was unprofessional and it should _never_ have happened. But it was nothing more than sex, Sir, I assure you, and until now, we never allowed it to conflict with our jobs." She saw the hurt look that JJ cast her way but she ignored it - she was doing her a favour, after all. Wasn't she? "What just happened was a misunderstanding and one that _shouldn't_ have happened, and I am very sorry that it did."

Hotch studied his agents for a moment. He knew that Emily was lying - knew _why_ Emily was lying. He also knew, however, that this day had been a long time coming regardless of the JJ factor. Even if it hadn't been for JJ, Emily likely would have still left after everything that she had been through, because you don't just magically come back whole from having to erase yourself completely. So he allowed her her final wish, which was apparently to keeps JJ's job secure, and ended the conversation. "Very well, Agent Prentiss." But the use of her title rather than her name, he knew, would tell her that he _did_ know the truth, that he wasn't happy that she'd broken the rules _and_ lied to him about it, and that it was essentially _them_ who were paying for it - and the small curt nod from Emily that accompanied regretful brown eyes that he'd seen in Jack many times after telling him, "I'm not angry, just disappointed," told him that she had gotten that message. "Do you have anything to say, JJ?"

JJ didn't even look up. She couldn't work out if she was angry with Emily for putting her in that situation – one that would mean that for the next several months whilst she was off gallivanting across the UK, she herself would have to endure the stares and whispers from people around her - or angry with herself for giving Emily that right and justification to do such a thing in the first place. She couldn't work out if she truly felt bad for the moment in which she had been permitted to feel Emily against her one last time, or if she was grateful for it despite the position that it had put everyone in. And for the life of her, she couldn't work out this other feeling.. the one that almost looked forward to Emily leaving simply so that she could breathe again. This whole situation felt similar to one of those decorative garden spirals that rotate in the wind; they go on for an eternity, endlessly twisting and twisting with intense ever-changing colour that almost dizzies you if you look at it for too long.. Until its life source is prevented by force. Until the wind lulls, or someone grabs it and says enough is enough.

And enough, right now, certainly was enough. "She's right, Sir." She looked up with a nod. "What just happened was nothing more than a lost in the moment kind of deal because she's leaving. There's nothing between Agent Prentiss and I other than friendship." _And even that's debatable._

Hotch looked down briefly, a small portion of him disappointed in JJ who he could tell was also lying, before he looked back to Emily. "There's nothing more for you to do here today, Agent. Your notice is up. Use the extra time to.. pack or make arrangements or something." He spoke plainly, trusting that his typically vacant face was giving nothing away whilst his heart broke a little inside. Emily had always been one of his favourites, and he felt somewhat cheated right now – though, dismissing Emily early was as much for them as it was to make his point. "As for you, JJ. I don't think I need to remind you of the repercussions of fraternisation. Since Emily is no longer a member of this team-" Like Emily had with JJ, he purposely ignored the hurt expression on the brunette's face. "-I can't technically punish you for what happened between the two of you, but rest assured.. if you ever, ever, do something like this again, you will be reprimanded and I won't hesitate to inform Strauss. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, Sir." JJ responded instantly, her eyes fixed on the point where the legs of Hotch's desk met the dark grey carpet beneath their feet.

"You're both dismissed." Hotch took a seat at behind his desk, not even looking up from his papers as he added with no emotion, "Good luck with your future endeavours, Agent Prentiss."

Emily didn't respond, simply nodded softly, partially grateful for actually being able to _feel_ regret, and held the door open for JJ to pass through before following closely behind.

Once beyond the threshold of Hotch's office, JJ was helpless to the words that fell from her lips. "Seriously, Emily? You're leaving and you're _still_ trying to hurt me?"

"Trying to hurt you? Is that what you think that was?" Emily asked both incredulous and hurt – though, she wasn't certain that she had a right to the latter after what had just occurred in the supply closet. "JJ, I just did you a _favour_. Would you rather I told him that we actually began _fucking_ -' The word almost burnt her tongue and hurt every bit as much as she had intended for it to hurt JJ. "-nearly fifteen months ago? Would you rather I tell him that we risked our careers for _this_? Whatever this mess is now. Would you rather I tell him that I fell in love with you and added yet more to the ever-growing pile of reasons to leave this damn place?"

"No." JJ's eyes were sad and she made no effort to hide them. Everything had gotten so out of control that she genuinely didn't know if it was her at fault anymore – if anyone actually was or if this was just a situation that was truly better walked away from before anything more could explode in their faces. She shook her head softly, apparently unable to let go. "But that wasn't what I was referring to. I'm talking about that whole charade in the supply closet like I mean absolutely nothing to you."

"JJ.." Emily shook her head and looked away briefly. "Don't. You're not the one who has to jump on a plane and start a new life because of the mistakes she made."

"No.." JJ nodded with a look on her face that clearly depicted her distaste at Emily's words as she walked away. "I'm the one who doesn't get the luxury of running away. Take care, Emily."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen: _New Beginnings_**

She had no idea what she was doing here; parked outside of this house like it really mattered anymore, like she had any right to be there. But she couldn't, wouldn't, board that plane without giving the explanation that was deserved. Of course, there were explanations and visits that she needed to make elsewhere, but this was different..

It had been ten, twenty, maybe thirty minutes that she had been sat here and she was half expecting some nosy neighbor to come over, tap on her car window and ask just what the hell she thought she was doing, or just call the cops on her. That was the last thing she needed the night before she left and the fear of that was enough to push her to climb out of her car and do what she had come here to do.

Before she had even reached the porch though, the light flicked on and the front door swung open abruptly, and all she could mutter through her nervously hammering heartbeat was, "I think we need to talk."

"I have a date, Emily." Morgan answered plainly after a brief pause, before he turned to lock his front door behind him and started towards his car.

"Morgan, please.." She pled to his back, hoping that he'd stop for just one second so that she could explain; explain away her guilt until it was something more bearable. "Please don't go like this."

"I'm not the one who's going anywhere, Emily." He threw up his hands and turned. "I'm not the one who's _leaving_."

"I know." Emily rushed down the steps towards him. "I know, and I don't deserve your time but I think _you_ deserve an explanation." She could see him weighing up his options and it was pure instinct that drove her to make a light-hearted comment; one that was thankfully welcomed as he smiled subtly and shook his head. " _I_ could be your date. I even brought beer."

"You have fifteen minutes." Morgan sighed and took a seat on the porch step.

"That's all I need." The brunette replied eagerly, relieved as she offered her friend a beer and took a seat next to him. She had no idea how to proceed as she watched him pick the label from his bottle, indicating that he really didn't either. But this was her problem to fix; not his. "Morgan, I-"

"How long's it been going on?" Before Emily could respond, Morgan turned to her; didn't make eye contact but at least turned his head. "And don't lie to me. What I saw.. that wasn't _nothing_ , Emily. That wasn't a one-time deal. I want the truth."

Emily sighed and twisted her shoulders; rested her elbows on her parted knees, her fingers mindlessly picking at the label of her own bottle. "It started fourteen months and seventeen days ago. I mean.." She shook her head slowly. "Perhaps it _started_ long before that but that was when we first.."

"Why do you do it, Emily?"

"Do.. what?" She genuinely wasn't certain. His question made it seem like she made a habit of sleeping with or falling in love with her co-workers.

"Shut everyone out." He replied bluntly. "You know the exact day that you and her first slept together, so it clearly meant everything to you.. and yet you're leaving. You're _shutting everyone out._ Again." He took a sip of his beer and muttered under his breath. "Including me."

This was the part where she should feel something, right? As she once again witnessed the pain on her best friend's face.. shouldn't she feel remorse right now? Anything? When you feel absolutely nothing, how can you be sure that the answers you're giving are truthful? But that in itself gave her the response necessary, because she really was shutting him out. Perhaps not purposely, but she was. She was and had been shutting _all_ of them out; including JJ, and even that couldn't be entirely forgiven.. because she knew, somewhere deep down, that the blonde was earning her redemption for the things that she had put her through. She knew that nothing in this world was ever as black and white as it seemed, and the younger woman had worked tirelessly to give her all of these pieces of herself over the past few months and done so knowing that she'd get nothing in return – and she certainly hadn't. But this wasn't just about JJ; this was far bigger than JJ. This was about her and her incapability to be human; to allow herself to do the same in return for the woman she apparently loved; to allow herself to be the person that her friends deserved; to stick around when things got messy. She was at the point where she was so beyond compartmentalised that she didn't even know who she was anymore; every piece of her was filed away in locked cabinets and chests that she had long since stopped holding the keys to.

"I am." She nodded. "I am doing that, have been doing that, and I have no idea _why_." She sighed and shook her head. "I guess I'm hoping the answer is waiting for me in sunny ol' England."

"Why can't you just go to therapy like everyone else?" He asked, only half joking. "Is it a Prentiss thing? Like.. Prentiss' are too good for traditional methods of therapy?

"It isn't a Prentiss thing." Emily answered bitterly; despising being defined by her family name. Of course, being a Prentiss had its merits and she would never act ungrateful towards the luxuries that she was lucky enough to have in her life; but those luxuries came with a penalty, condition and when that was thrown into the mix it was difficult to be appreciative of that family status, or proud of her name. "It's a _me_ thing. I have a lot of work to do on myself."

"You keep _saying_ that, Emily." Morgan turned to face her fully now, his frustration evident as he looked to the sky and shook his head. "But what is so wrong with allowing the people who love you to help you? Why can't you work on yourself here? Why do you have to run away? Because that _is_ what you're doing."

"I'm not.." Emily trailed off, having heard that sentiment twice now in one day, and she couldn't truthfully deny anymore that that wasn't partly what she was doing. "Okay.. Maybe I am." She admitted with a nod. "Maybe I am running away but.. I need to know a world that I don't know. I need to know a world where I appreciate you. Because right now I don't. I'm.." She laughed humourlessly, more through nerves than anything else. "I'm sitting here, the night before I _willingly_ leave you all again, and such a huge part of me just doesn't care."

Morgan's face dropped, bile crept up the back of his throat in a feeling that felt similar to heartbreak. Essentially, it was. It wasn't the kind of heartbreak that comes with romantic ties to someone, but it was the kind of heartbreak that comes when someone you've been so invested in for such a large portion of your life throws that investment to the wind like it means nothing.

"That's my point, Morgan." Emily spoke quietly, guiltily as she read the expression on his face. "Somewhere along the way I lost myself and I just stopped feeling anything. I need that feeling back. I need to wake up in the morning and be forced to face the reality that you guys aren't a part of my life anymore, and I need to _feel_ the feeling that comes with that reality. I need to go into work knowing that Reid isn't going to be sat there trying to figure out something innately complex that doesn't actually need figuring out. I need to know a world where JJ isn't chasing me, isn't vying for the affection that I don't have left to give and I need that because until I don't have it anymore, I'm never going to appreciate it. I need this whole other reality where everything is _uncomfortable_ so that I can actually feel comfortable in my own skin again. Feel _anything_." She looked to the man who her words were seemingly having no effect on and continued anyway. "I do care." She nodded, her sad eyes fixed on the step beneath her feet. "I may not feel it but I know I care because I'm here, rather than hiding away in my apartment or some bar passing the time until my flight leaves.. But I need to _feel_ that I care, and that is why I'm leaving tomorrow."

Morgan sighed in resignation. It didn't make sense, not really. There was a lot that did and a lot that didn't; and he was sure that more of Emily's reasons would seem logical if he wasn't thinking with his heart. But his friend – his friend whom he had believed to be dead for eight long months – was suddenly disappearing again and doing so willingly. He just had to trust her.. trust that she wouldn't do this if it wasn't entirely necessary. That was just easier said than done these days. "What time is your flight?"

"Uh.." She hadn't expected that question and she gave her answer with a curious frown. "9:25."

"Which airport?"

"Dulles International.."

Morgan took a sip of his beer with a nod; spoke as a statement rather than a question. "I'm driving you then. I'll be at your house for 6:30. That'll give us enough room to avoid the traffic if it's congested and give you enough time to check in before they close the gate." He wanted to add, "give you enough time to change your mind," but he knew that such words were redundant. Emily wasn't going to change her mind, and the sooner that he accepted that the better.

"Morgan, you.." No, she had already denied him enough. She couldn't deny him this too. "Thank you." She spoke honestly and the pair sat in silence for a moment before she spoke again, tentatively; a part of her wanting to pause time and the rest truly ready to leave this awkward conversation that was only really awkward because of her. "I think my fifteen minutes are up.."

"I didn't actually have a date." Morgan admitted unapologetically, taking a swig of his beer. "I just wasn't sure I wanted to talk to you and that seemed like the most plausible way to get you to leave."

"Oh.." Emily looked down, realising that she really had no right to be upset about his lie.

"I'm just.." He sighed a heavy sigh, swilling the remainder of his drink in the bottle as he shook his head in frustration. "I am so _angry_ with you, Emily."

"I know.."

"No, you don't." Morgan spat. "You don't because you never gave me the chance to be."

Suddenly Emily realised that this wasn't necessarily about her leaving now; it was about all that had happened with JJ and she opted to remain quiet whilst he said his piece.

"I'm assuming that Garcia knows. Her and JJ have been having all these secret meetings recently and now that makes sense." He nodded. "That must be nice for her, for Garcia.. To have a best friend who would come to her with these kinds of things." It was low but he didn't care. "Who trusts her enough to _share_ those things."

"It wasn't that I-"

"It was just that you knew what I'd say." He interjected bluntly. "You knew I'd tell you that you were playing a dangerous game. Not only with a straight woman, but with someone who was already in a relationship. She wasn't yours to take Emily, and yet you did."

"You think I don't _know_ that!" It wasn't really a question. "You think I don't how _stupid_ it was?"

"I don't know, Emily. Do you?" He was looking her square in the eye now, clearly expecting an answer.

"Yes.." She admitted, almost a whisper as tears burnt in her eyes; tears that even she didn't know the meaning of. "I _do_ know, and I _did_ know. But I.. I loved her. _Love_ her."

"You don't love her." Morgan shook his head for the umpteenth time that evening and looked away. "You love the _idea_ of her, Emily. You love the thrill and the danger of being with her because it's the one thing these days that evokes feeling within you."

Was he wrong? Could she really argue? "No, that's not true.." She responded softly, willing his theory to be incorrect whilst at the same time trekking through moments and scenarios and experiences that truly did support it.

"Isn't it?" He raised his eyebrows inquisitively. "Emily, you are one of the most attractive people I know, in every sense of the word. You could have absolutely anyone. Literally, _anyone_. And yet you chose your _straight female friend_ , who you _worked with_ , who had a _boyfriend_ , and has a _child_. Aside from screwing her on Strauss' desk every day.. what could possibly be more dangerous than that?"

Emily was quiet for a moment, swallowed and blinked away her tears as she allowed his rationale to sink in. "Maybe you're right.." She didn't know anymore. This afternoon's events and the fact that she was still leaving certainly attested to his theory. If she had been thinking straight, or cared to think at this point at all, an abundance of things would have come to mind to protest his notion, but she wasn't and she didn't; she just wanted to get on that damn plane and, for a short period at least, turn her back on this, this.. whatever it was.

"I guess we'll find out, won't we." Morgan took a final sip of his beer and moved to stand. "See if you still want her when you're thousands of miles away living a new life."

"Why is this solely down to me?" She spat suddenly without thinking. She could see the hot water that she was throwing herself into by even leading the conversation in this direction, and she had already deduced that such a thing was nothing but paranoia, but that didn't stop her mouth that was apparently working against her now. Apparently she needed confirmation; someone to tell her that she couldn't have helped this and that she hadn't caused every ounce of nothing that she was feeling these days. "Why is JJ innocent and I'm the sex-fuelled siren who forced all of this? Why is she showered with instant forgiveness while any and every ounce of blame is cast my way?"

"Is _that_ how you think this is?" He looked directly at her, incredulous. "Let me tell you something, Emily. The reason any blame has been cast your way in recent months is because everyone could see how _shitty_ you were treating her but knew none of the reasons why, _because_ you wouldn't let them. And _that_ is what makes it your fault. I am under no illusions that she's as much to blame as you are for this mess, perhaps more so given that she was the one already in a relationship, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm blind to that. But it _could_ have been different if you had just trusted someone. For once in your _damn_ life, Emily."

And it was in that moment that Emily realised something. That no one had actually blamed her in all of this.. except herself. That paranoia had all been a guilt-induced fabrication in her own mind and even if anyone had momentarily concocted assumptions with the help of JJ's typically innocent air, how could she possibly be angry for that? How could she when she had had so many opportunities to give her side of the story but had opted instead to shut everyone out? This though, today's events.. that wasn't paranoia and it wasn't down to people's assumptions either; that was simply her own fault. That, she _should_ be held responsible for. In fact, the past two weeks were entirely down to her and her decisions, and she couldn't help but cringe every time she thought of, not only the one moment where she had lost control completely, but every second leading up to that where she could have caught this before it was too late; made this moment something more than it was.

It shouldn't have wound up this way.

But it was none of that that came out of her mouth when she finally spoke. "Morgan, please don't.. I mean, don't give her a hard time about her and I. Don't blame her or.. or be angry with her for keeping it from you. Please don't let it ruin your friendship."

"I have absolutely no intention of doing that. I think she's more than had her punishment, don't you, Emily?" He questioned without apology. "I don't know the full story, and honestly.. it's clearly none of my business. But I do know that no matter what had happened prior to it, you should _not_ have done what you did today. And I know it was you that initiated it." He cocked his head to the side, his eyes flashing with a combination of anger and a silent dare for her to even try to tell him that he was wrong. "Ya know, just because you get to leave, it doesn't mean she does. She's the one who has to deal with the fallout of what happened while you're off searching for a feeling so.. she's gona have enough crap to endure without me adding to the mix." He allowed his words sink in as he studied Emily's face; searching for any glimmer of emotion but wasn't too surprised when he found none. "See you tomorrow, Emily."

**CM-CM-CM**

The sun pierced through her sleepy eyes and she felt an instant irrational hatred towards it. It wasn't the sun's fault that, after that afternoon's events, she had spent most of the night battling the longing between her thighs that rivalled the longing in her chest, and had consequently had little to no sleep. It wasn't the sun's fault that everything felt so much emptier now in ways that she could never have prepared herself for. It wasn't the sun's fault that it represented something that she couldn't stomach; it wasn't its fault that it represented the dawn of a new day – a day that she wasn't ready to begin. Because right about now, the woman she loved with everything she had was boarding a plane to London, and, if the current clattering sounds emanating from downstairs and the semi-stressed words of Will were anything to go by, the two other most important people in her life were getting ready to board a plane of their own too.

Henry would be back of course; as would Will, sporadically. But in her sleep-deprived, somewhat irrational and wholly empty state, it was so easy to look at it in the sense that, in the space of just fifteen weeks, she had lost almost everything that she knew; and this moment was the finale, the soul-numbing crescendo that left a dejected feeling in her heart and an almost anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach that both combined to create a void that she had no clue how to ease.

Pushing her lifeless body out of bed and pulling on her Pittsburgh hoody, JJ mindlessly wandered down the stairs, finding a sight when she reached the bottom that encouraged her strength to endure this day, and she smiled. "What's all this?"

"Mommy!" Henry came bounding over, instantly taking her hand and tugging her impatiently towards the dining room. "We made breakfast. And I helped!"

"Oh you did, huh?" JJ smiled down at her son, brushing back his golden waves, a little more of her strength returning as she looked into endless blue eyes that were the mirror image of her own.

"Morning, Jayje." Will pressed a kiss to JJ's cheek. "Yeah, we thought it'd be nice to have breakfast together before we head out. We've got an hour before we have to leave for the airport."

"It looks and smells wonderful." JJ beamed appreciatively; not simply appreciative of the breakfast, but appreciative of what she _still_ had. Yes, it had been easy as soon as she had opened her eyes that morning to hate the world and everything in it – to focus on what she had lost – but right in front of her was everything that she still had. It wasn't what it had been, definitely not the same.. but actually, it was better. It was hope that didn't come with a sadistic streak, and suddenly that morning that had represented the end, now represented a new beginning.

**CM-CM-CM**

"Flight 737 to Heathrow, London is now boarding. Please have your passport and tickets ready as you approach the desk." A loud voice filtered over the bustling sounds of the airport. "We will be boarding priority passengers first. That's priority passengers first."

She stared at the ticket in her hand; studied the way the airline's logo held connotations of promise and hope, and too, the fact that she didn't feel that. She didn't feel the promise of a new life - what she actually felt was this need that increased in direness with each passing second, the urge to flee this airport and rush back to what she knew. It was almost a panicking feeling; that terrifying, free-falling moment when everything you know disappears from beneath your feet so that you're floating entirely in the unknown. It was almost like a black hole sucking her in, and yet she didn't budge one inch. She just stared as passenger after passenger filtered from the airport lounge and down the winding corridor that she couldn't even bring herself to look at; and she _enjoyed_ the feeling.

"We are now boarding passengers in business class. That's passengers in business class. If you do not hold a business class ticket, we ask you to stand back at this time."

That was her cue to stand, to snap out of whatever this was and join the short cue of people currently marching like ants through the gate. But she didn't. Instead she just watched them; imagined what the purpose of their trip was. Were they travelling to London on vacation? Was it a pit-stop before they caught a second flight elsewhere? Was it a business trip? Was it, like her, a whole new start? Did anyone feel this rush of sickness in their stomach that she was currently feeling in her own? Were any of them hoping, like the ultimatum given at a wedding to, "speak now or forever hold your peace", that someone would storm through the airport and stop them boarding this flight?

Was _she_ wishing for that? Was she hoping that Morgan hadn't actually left? That he'd jumped the barrier and was currently being chased through the airport by security as he searched each and every gate for her? She smiled subtly at the thought, because it was something that she could certainly see Morgan doing. No, actually, it was something that she would have _once_ seen Morgan doing. But not now.. She wasn't worth that anymore and her smile faded abruptly like it had never been there.

"This is the last call for passengers Prentiss, Hale and Jackson boarding Flight 737 to Heathrow, London to approach the desk. That's passengers Prentiss, Hale and Jackson."

Last call? How long had she been sitting here? The lounge was almost empty now, quiet, and the two people who she assumed to be passengers Hale and Jackson that came running through with panic in their voices startled her enough from her daydream to look up. She studied them, their body language.. There was no hesitation in them, just a determination to board that flight and she felt somewhat envious; envious and uncertain. It was in that moment that Emily Prentiss realised that she truly _was_ hesitant about this; that the whole reason that she was still sat here was because she _was_ waiting for someone to stop her. But as her strangely disappointed eyes scanned the endless area around her and each nameless face in the crowd of travellers, hoping to find one that was familiar, she realised that no one was coming. No one was coming to stop her, because they knew as much as she did that this was wholly necessary, and that was enough for her to push herself up from that uncomfortable lounge chair, grab her carry-on and walk towards the expectant hazel eyes of the gate clerk.

**CM-CM-CM**

"We'll be gone until Thursday." Will spoke as he kissed JJ on the cheek before reaching out his hand for Henry. "Come on buster, we have a plane to catch."

"Okay, let me know how the apartment hunting goes and tell Amanda I said hi." JJ replied with a somewhat sad nod, before crouching down to Henry's level and placing both hands at his cheeks. "And you.. you be good for daddy."

"I will, momma." Henry nodded and then scrunched up his face, trying to struggle away with a belying giggle as JJ showered his face with apparently unwanted kisses. "Momma, we hafta gooo!" He wriggled some more, still giggling before he repeated his father's words with a stern, solid look on his face. "Momma, we have a plane to catch."

"Oh, my bad." JJ's face washed with mock seriousness as her hands went out in surrender. "I'd better let you go then, huh?" When Henry nodded, her seriousness swiftly changed back to a grin as she showered his face with kisses once more. "Maybe just a few more first.." But Henry managed to wriggle out of her grasp and run for the front door, his echoing giggles lining his path and warming her heart in ways that only he was capable of.

"Jayje.." Will began softly as the blonde stood to her feet, a genuineness in his eyes that he hoped JJ would recognise. "I'm sorry things didn't work out with Emily. I really am. I mean, it seems totally weird to be saying this, but I _am_ sorry that she's gone again. That you didn't.. didn't get your happy ending."

JJ nodded gently, swallowed back the tears in her eyes and placed a hand against his arm as she watched Henry longingly; Henry who was currently jumping up and down in an attempt to reach his coat on the top hook, before his brow furrowed with an idea and he pulled a small stool from the living room and climbed up onto it to give him more height. She chuckled softly. "I have everything I need right here."

"You'll always have us, JJ." Will spoke sincerely. "And it may not be Emily, but one day you'll find your missing piece too."

 _My missing piece.._ JJ mused, something in those three words causing a spark somewhere in her brain for reasons that she couldn't quite pinpoint; but the gentle eyes of her former lover brought her back to the presence. "You really are a good man."

"Yup." Will agreed shamelessly as he picked up Henry's backpack and tossed it over his shoulder, talking as he walked away. "Do you think there's like.. some kind of award for guys as great as me?"

JJ simply rolled her eyes with a soft laugh as she shoved him towards the door. "Go on. Someone told me there's a plane that needs catching."

Will laughed as he took Henry's hand once again and pressed another kiss to JJ's cheek. "See you next week, chere. And you're doing good, Jayje. Real good. Don't give up now just because Emily's gone. Okay?"

"I won't." JJ nodded with a smile, blowing air kisses to Henry as she watched her two guys walk down the driveway towards Will's car; before whispering the sentiment to herself again once they pulled away. "I won't."

She looked briefly to the sky, wondering if the tiny ant-sized plane that she saw in the distance was Emily's, and then back down to the ground and the blue car currently disappearing into the distance; each held pieces of her life that, without them, left that life incomplete. But she had to remember that they weren't the only thing that created that life. In focussing her time and energy on fixing what she had caused Emily and Will and Henry; she suddenly realised that she had neglected to take the time to truly study herself, to truly fix herself. The issues that kept her from being wholly content weren't elsewhere – they weren't currently on their way to the airport in a small blue SUV, or already in the air making their way to a different country - the issues were right there with her.

Emily wasn't the final piece to this puzzle, Will and Henry weren't the final pieces to the puzzle; _she_ was. There was something that she needed to do.

She pulled out her phone and called the only pillar of support that she really could right now. "You wana take a little road trip with me?"

**CM-CM-CM**

She stared mindlessly out of the window as the plane taxied along the runway; the memory of Morgan's hug before he had let her go becoming tighter and tighter until she could hardly breathe. He'd both surprised and disappointed her. A part of her had truly expected him to fight the inevitable some more, but honestly, he'd barely said anything and he'd actually been fairly amicable towards her in ways that he probably shouldn't have after everything that she'd caused and was leaving behind. She knew that she had to go, but now that she was sat on the plane, she couldn't help but remember all the words that were left unsaid, all the chaos that was left in her wake, all the bridges that she now wasn't certain that she hadn't burnt completely.

 _Will_ ; the man who used to be a friend but she hadn't spoken to since that morning almost four months ago. Of course, any conversation would likely be so damn awkward that it would wind up in a yelling match or total silence that was entirely fruitless. But she couldn't shake the feeling that she owed him something, _anything_..

 _Her friends, her colleagues_ ; the ones who had always had her back, always trusted her, and yet she hadn't repaid that same courtesy. And now.. now it seemed that they were all likely glad to be rid of her. Some part of her, deep down, knew that that was a ridiculous notion, and that if she was to somehow fight her way off of this plane right now and return to them they would, as Garcia had said, welcome her back with open arms. But she didn't want to know that. Because when she thought about that, the apologies and explanations and truths that should have been exchanged before she had gotten to this point flooded her chest like her lungs were filling with water.

 _JJ_ ; where could she even begin with that..

"Excuse me, ma'am?" Emily spoke quickly to grab the attention of the redheaded stewardess that went bustling by once the plane had reached its cruising altitude. "Could I get a Chivas please? On the rocks."

"Certainly." The younger woman smiled, returning minutes later with the requested beverage and a shake of her head when Emily tried to hand over her credit card. "You're in business class, ma'am. You don't need to pay for any drinks you order on this flight."

She should have known that given the luxury she had spent her entire life in, and she would have known that if she hadn't been so preoccupied. "Oh." She smiled. "Well in that case.. keep 'em coming."

"Certainly, ma'am." The young woman nodded and walked away.

Emily's eyes drifted back to the window beside her; her mind tracing the clouds like they might lead to something magical and freeing as the first sip of her drink burned in her chest. Her mind wandered back to her friends and the longing that she couldn't seem to shift, the feeling that everything was so wide open and in disarray, and a small part of her wanted to run back into the past, if only to fix the piles of dirt that she had left lying around. However, the majority wanted to keep going, to use her ever-useful compartmentalisation skills to pretend that that dirt didn't exist and concentrate on her new start. Perhaps she really was running away. Perhaps she was..

"You a nervous flier too?" A soft voice came from beside her and startled her from her thoughts.

"Oh, um.." Emily looked to the drink in her hands, realising that that is what the person was referring to, and then back to the emerald green eyes of the woman across the aisle and felt a bout of honesty simmering in her chest. It was an odd feeling, and the words that left her liquor tainted lips even shocked her. "Actually.. Actually, no. I'm.. trying to start my new life early, I guess."

The green-eyed woman smiled knowingly, her eyes lingering on Emily's a little too long before she snapped out of it and reached out her hand. "Sorry, I'm Katherine. Most people just call me Kate."

"Emily." Emily greeted the young woman. "And most people call me Emily." _Or Lauren, or Em, or Em'ly, or Princess, or.._ Her stomach churned as soon as those notions crossed her mind and it was only when she felt the younger woman's fingers slipping from her own that she snapped back into the present. She shook her head and changed the subject. "So, if you're such a nervous flier.. What got you to actually board a plane?"

Something flashed in the younger woman's eyes that Emily couldn't quite decipher before she spoke. "I think maybe something similar to what pushed you to be drinking Chivas at 10am."

"You know your whiskey, I see." Emily nodded, clearly impressed enough to ignore the empathy and understanding burning in bright green.

"I know a lot of things, Emily." Kate spoke, her eyes lingering once again before she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and smiled. "So, what's your story?"

"My story?" Emily pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows as she briefly looked away with a sigh. Perhaps this was exactly what she needed, to share her life with some stranger on a plane whom she would never see again, if only to release the somewhat toxic memories from her mind and cleanse her, ready for this _great opportunity_ , this _wondrous new beginning_. "How long you got?"

"How about eight hours?" Kate smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen: _Brussels Sprouts and Mashed Potatoes_**

"Garcia.." JJ forced as she heaved a second huge tote into the back of her car. "I said a _little_ road-trip. Not a three month sabbatical."

"Oh, pish-posh." Garcia waved a dismissive hand. "We're female, we don't travel light." JJ's one small bag on the ground by the blonde's feet came to her attention even before the implicit question in the younger woman's raised eyebrow, and she was quick to justify herself. "Well.. you're a lesbian now. You're not a real woman."

JJ's face dropped instantly. She swallowed sadly and gritted her teeth before tossing her own bag in the back and slamming the trunk; refusing to meet Garcia's eyes as she turned for the driver's side of her car.

"Honey, wait.." It didn't take a profiler's eyes to see that she'd hit a nerve, and she grabbed the blonde's arm before she could get too far. "I didn't mean that.." She shook her head regretfully. "You know how I am.. I was only joking, Jayje.."

"It's not that, Garcia." She did know that her friend was simply making the same jokes that she typically would, and she was grateful for that in a lot of ways, but she was just so damn scared. Removing her aviators and leaning back against her car with a sigh, she explained. "I have no idea what I'm going to say to them. None at all. And.. And what if they disown me, Garcia? What if they _hate_ me?"

"Jayje.." Garcia braced her hands at JJ's arms and looked her square in the eye. She wanted to tell her that they wouldn't, that under no circumstances would that happen; but she knew that JJ wouldn't have kept herself hidden all these years if there wasn't a very good reason - if there really was no chance of them doing that. "If they do, then they're not worthy of being a part of your life anyway."

"Heh.." JJ shook her head, the smile playing on her lips belying the conversation entirely. "That sounds so logical in theory, but it won't erase the knowledge that I could have changed it when they're refusing to take my calls or even acknowledge my existence."

"No." Garcia stated firmly, grabbing JJ's arms once again. "No, you couldn't have changed it. Do you hear me? You didn't ask for this, Jayje. You didn't _choose_ it. And if they can't see that – if they can't see that you're still _you_ – then I'm sorry, but they're idiots. Yes, it's going to suck if they do, as you said, _disown_ you, but you'll get through it. I will make sure of that."

"Promise?" JJ questioned hopefully, needing the encouragement and strength. She was terrified, petrified; but she had come too far to back out now.

"I promise." Garcia nodded with a comforting smile. "Now, we should head out. If I have to spend over four hours in car with you and your awful taste in music, I'm going to need a Starbucks, and perhaps one of those delicious lemon poppy seed muffins that you brought for Ms. Tall-Dark-and-Moody when-."

"She's not _moody_ , Garcia." JJ rolled her eyes jokingly to mask the hurt at the reminder of Emily as she climbed into her car; purposely bypassing the apologetic expression on her friend's face and hoped that she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Emily was gone now – her flight had departed exactly two hours and forty-three minutes ago – and there was nothing that could be done about that. It worked both ways, but just like Emily, she was done allowing one person to control her every emotion, especially when she knew that she was very capable of organising some of those unwanted emotions herself and that is what this trip was about.

"Well, perhaps not." Garcia responded as she climbed into the passenger side of JJ's Range Rover. "But the other word I would have used ain't so PG."

"That's never stopped you before?" JJ laughed as more of a question, turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of her driveway.

"Well.. Okay." Garcia turned to face JJ as they meandered through several side streets before joining the Saturday morning traffic on the freeway. "I don't really know what kind of role I'm supposed to play in this, ya know?"

"What do you mean?" The blonde shot a brief confused look to Garcia before returning her eyes to the road.

"Emily hurt you in leaving, correct? I mean-" Garcia interjected when she realised that JJ was about to protest. "-whether she was justified or not, whether it was with good reason or not, it still _hurt_ you." The soft swallow in JJ's throat and the semi-dejected look on her face gave her her answer. "Exactly. And you're my best friend so.. I should be angry with her but-"

"But you're not.."

"Yeah.." Garcia responded quietly, almost guiltily.

"Good." The younger woman laughed, incredulously. "Did you really think I wanted you to be?"

"I.. I don't know." Garcia shrugged. "I mean, you're hurting. And my role as the best friend is to fix that, and I guess I just didn't think that fighting Emily's corner would be much help. I mean, I'm mad at her for disappearing again and I am so, _so_ mad at her for what she did yesterday but.. I think I get it."

JJ smiled at her friend, patted the pink fishnet-tights covering her thigh and spoke honestly. "You've done everything a best friend could and more. Everything I _needed_. And you are wonderful for that, Garcia. But I don't need you to pick fault with Emily because.. well, there _is_ no fault with Emily." She looked briefly to her friend. "She _is_ justified in everything she has done so far, even yesterday in some backwards way, and she has every right to leave because I truly believe it is what she needs. And even I, however much I'm _hurting_ , can't question that. She needs this Garcia." She sighed a heavy sigh as she focussed her attention on the road. "She doesn't want me, and that is fine because.. Well, because.. I wouldn't want me either."

"I would." Garcia joked reassuringly. "I mean, if I was into the Sapphic side of life, of course. But my point is that this person you've become over the past three months – the you that you've gone back to being. The _you_ that we've all known and loved for all these years. She's really attractive." She nodded honestly before raising an eyebrow and leaning back in her seat. "I don't know, Jayje.. I think you may be turning me."

"Oh stop." JJ swatted with a genuine smile on her face before retorting playfully, a mock seductive glimmer in her eyes. "There's no _may_ about it. If I wanted you, I could so totally have you."

"You mean you don't want me?" Garcia pressed a hand to her chest, her mouth open in exaggerated shock. "I am _hurt_ , JJ. Now pull into this Starbucks up ahead so you can make up for it by buying me sweet, caffeiney goodness."

"Well at least it's that easy to mend _your_ broken heart." JJ winked as she did indeed take the next exit. The statement had been as serious as it was playful; and she was grateful when Garcia simply smiled in response. The whole sentence was a defense mechanism and nothing more. It wasn't a means to start a serious conversation about Emily and any feelings surrounding the topic; and it wasn't a segue into hashing this out and wallowing in self-pity some more about something that she, honestly, could not blame Emily for. It was simply a reprieve that she was so grateful that Garcia had allowed; that actually, she realised, only Garcia would ever allow.

**CM-CM-CM**

"So.." Kate began, now sat right beside Emily, both women on their third drink."She never actually gave you an explanation as to why she didn't tell you that her boyfriend had cheated on her the night that she came to your house?"

"Nope." Emily replied with some kind of distaste as she swilled the amber liquid in her glass, mindlessly watching the way that the drink spread across the plastic cup as she spoke again. "Not really. I mean, I suppose I didn't really give her the opportunity but.." She shrugged and looked towards the woman beside her, letting her sentence trail off into clear implications.

"I duno, Emily." Kate spoke with a soft frown. "I just don't think that she was as deceitful as your broken heart has painted her to be."

Emily's brow furrowed and then raised. "You got that from the little I've told you?"

"Well, look at it like this.." Kate turned in her seat to fully face the brunette. "When you tell lies, the logical thing to do to keep up those lies seems to be that you cover all angles, make sure that you have an explanation for literally everything, and that you _give_ an explanation for everything, even if it hasn't been requested. Right?" When Emily nodded, the younger brunette continued. "Exactly, but this.. Jennifer, didn't do that. Honestly, it seems like she barely told you anything and that tells me that some of those things were already justified in her mind. They weren't lies in her head because she hadn't done those things maliciously. So perhaps she naturally assumed that you knew that too. Even if you didn't really give her a real opportunity to explain, if she was truly lying to you, she would have found the opportunity. She would have forced the explanation, but she didn't."

Emily was stunned; both because this woman seemed to know so much from being given very little information, and also because of her conclusions - the conclusions that her profiling mind really should have drawn already. But before she could even formulate a response, Kate shot another question her way, the further conclusion drawn from which, unbeknownst to her, would shatter the natural certainty that she had had in regard to JJ since this had all began.

"I'm guessing she was straight, right? Before you?"

"I.. no." Emily shook her head, her eyebrows wrinkled intensely as she found belying questions spreading across the darkened crevices of her mind despite her fairly confident answer. "Well, I don't think so. I mean, she had a boyfriend and a child but no one makes the transmission that easily if they're totally straight."

"Some people do. _I_ did." Kate shrugged as she placed her drink on the small table in front of her and then sat back to face Emily. "Some people are good liars when the possible repercussions of the truth is so much more terrifying than the unknown. It certainly would account for a lot of her hesitation when compared to how certain you are that she genuinely loved you. I mean, you don't strike me as the dumb type, so I'm sure you would have seen, at least somewhere in you, if she was using you.. So, yeah, I guess you could say that she was deceitful. But there are so many different kinds of lies, Emily. Too many shades of grey to ever deem that someone hurt you intentionally just because they told a lie."

Emily contemplated Kate's words for a moment as a blinding light illuminated everything that had remained in oblivious darkness for all these months. "Well, wait.." She turned, curious to pick Kate's apparently all-knowing, all-seeing brain some more. "But she.." She looked around nervously to make sure that no one was listening to their conversation - like it mattered now. "She _did_ stuff that, ya know.. She would have been nervous doing if she was straight. And I would have _noticed_ if she was nervous."

"Would you?" Kate raised an implicit eyebrow, her green eyes staring at Emily's questioningly. "Emily, you study the mind for a living.. But not even profilers are impervious to the mind-shattering qualities of an orgasm. _Trust_ me. Over-thinkers aren't either. In fact, I'd say that over-thinkers are far more susceptible to missing what's right in front of them because they're so busy analysing everything but.." When Emily looked away with something akin to regret on her face, she spoke again. "Let me guess.. It didn't happen very often, did it? On her end, I mean."

Emily stared into her lap for a moment and then sat back with a soft gasp. "Wow.." Her eyes were somewhat wide as she swilled Kate's words around in her mind and tried to comprehend this whole new logic that had been cast her way. If this woman was right, everything sure made a lot more sense and a part of her felt wholly guilty for not having recognised the signs through her lust-filled haze; through her own constant need to understand everything. If that whole world had truly been new to JJ, she should have been there for her to help her through the transition; it should have been _different_. She should have been a friend to her before being her lover. She should have just _noticed_.

"Another drink?"

"I think so.." Emily muttered quietly as she closed her eyes in regret; her mind drifting to a place painted in more clarity than it had been in recent months and she had never been more angry with herself than in that moment. Why couldn't she have realised this sooner? Why couldn't JJ have _told_ her? Before she had made the decision to leave.. Before she had boarded this damn plane.. But perhaps that answer was nestled in something that she had said to Garcia yesterday - even if her and JJ had been on better terms, she still would have needed to leave; to be here right now. And if this whole possibility about JJ was true.. how could she ever have done that to her?

**CM-CM-CM**

"So.." Garcia began some time later as they found themselves only an hour outside of East Allegheny. "Do you know what you're going to say to them yet?"

"Haven't got a clue." JJ replied flatly, her eyes squinting into the late afternoon sun, even with the barrier of her shades. "Got any suggestions?"

"How about.." Garcia straightened up in her seat, lowered her voice an octave before stating. "Yo, mom. I like the _ladies_ now. They taste better than men. Don't like it? Deal with it, bitch. Oh and could you please pass the beef."

JJ almost snorted and choked on her fountain drink at the same time. "Why, oh why, does my coming-out voice sound like Morgan?" She laughed at her friend as she shot her a quick glance. "And.. _pass the beef_? What the hell _is_ that?"

"What? I've never come out to anyone before." Garcia reasoned like that was the issue here. "I duno, I guess I've seen one too many movies. I pictured this whole moment happening around a lovely family dinner. Ya know, with pleasant conversations about Marge from Bridge Club having her hair purpled for the second time in less than a month, and what everyone did with their day and then.. BAM!" She yelled suddenly, causing JJ to jump. "You lay the gay card smack down, right between her Brussels sprouts and mashed potatoes."

"I.. think I'm cutting you off." JJ spoke purposely patronisingly as she took Garcia's third coffee from her and placed it in the centre console. "That is a very.. _interesting_ suggestion, Garcia, but how about we stick a pin in it for now, huh?"

"Pah, you have no colour in your imagination." Garcia mock sulked as she leant her elbow against the window and rested her chin on her open palm.

"Garcia, I'm a lesbian who pretended to be straight her whole life. I have _plenty_ of colour in my imagination." JJ laughed. "I just don't think my mom would appreciate being called a bitch.." Her voice trailed off and her smile faded as her next sentence entered her conscious. "Any more than she's going to appreciate hearing that her daughter is a lesbian. Oh god, Garcia. What am I doing? I can't do this to them. They don't deserve.. I can't..' Her chest heaved in panic and she was lucky that she had the wherewithal to pull the car off to the hard shoulder without causing an accident; clutching a hand to her chest as it heaved with more urgency and unbuckling her seatbelt to jump out of the car and vomit into the shrubbery at the side of the road.

Garcia watched on with concern, waiting for a break in the afternoon traffic before jumping quickly out of the vehicle to rush to JJ's side; rubbing her back and holding back her blonde tresses as she emptied the contents of her stomach. "You good?" She questioned softly when the blonde finally stopped dry-heaving.

JJ looked to her friend, her eyes bright blue beneath the glistening gloss of tears and the vibrant redness caused by the force of her vomiting. "Do I _look_ good?"

"Oh, honey, you always look good." Garcia smiled. "Even when you're bringing your breakfast back up by the side of I-70."

JJ laughed and looked away, braced both of her hands at the railing trimming the road until she was sure that she had enough strength to stand and pushed herself back up. "Come on." She took an offered tissue from Garcia and wiped her mouth. "Let's do this."

"Uh.. what are you doing?" Garcia raised an eyebrow as she watched the smaller woman climb into the car.

"I'm.. _fishing_? What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

"Sweetie, I value my life. And though I trust you with it when it's being compromised by a crazed mad man, that trust doesn't stretch to driving me from A to B safely when your bigoted parents are at point B." She paused. "Passenger side, now. I'm driving."

**CM-CM-CM**

"What about you?" Emily questioned as she forced down the plane food that had just been handed around, momentarily questioning the notion that food was supposed to be better in business class. Her and Kate had spent the past five hours talking about her and though she had enjoyed the opportunity – the freedom to talk honestly without the nerve-wracking repercussions surrounding it that typically slammed her walls up in an instant, the repercussions that didn't seem to exist with this woman whom she would in all likelihood never see again - she was about ready to be done and place JJ back into her little box. "Where are you headed? What's your story?"

Kate sighed as she chewed the semi-tough chicken in her mouth, focussed her eyes on the food in front of her as she gave the brief details of her 'story' with a belying shrug. "Psychologist. Fell in love with one of my patients. Had my name dragged through the dirt. Caught a lucky break with an offer to work with a government organisation in London. Grabbed it with both hands before even thinking about it and now-"

Emily stopped mid-chew, her plastic knife and fork still raised partially in the air. She didn't even look to Kate as fear paralysed her and burnt at every nerve ending. " _What_ government organisation?"

"You know that I can't tell you that." Kate whispered, partially turning her head to Emily. "You know, because if my suspicions are correct, you're in the same boat. It's not exactly the kind of thing that you blurt to random strangers on a plane."

Emily threw down her knife and fork and wiped her mouth with a napkin before turning and whispering in a way that still clearly depicted her anger. "Where you going to say _anything_?"

Kate cocked her head to the side briefly in a shrug, her eyes focused once again on cutting up the meat on her plate. "Would you have shared everything you have with me if you'd known?" She looked briefly to Emily and read the expression on her face for what it was. "Didn't think so. But tell me something, Emily. How's that unexplainable knot in the pit of your stomach feeling now that you've actually allowed an outsider in?"

Emily looked away nervously, her every sense shifting in a way that made her feel somewhat trapped. It was a strange place to find herself in; right there, with someone she had only known several hours reading her like a book, and she truly was. It was uncomfortable and alluring, terrifying and freeing.. Possibly freeing in ways that she didn't actually want to be free. Had she been happy in her disconnected, ignorant world? She wanted to run from this very moment, to pretend that the conversation hadn't happened and shove everything back into boxes of blind acceptance and disconnect; replace the plasterboard, false wall between herself and _herself,_ and just smile. And at the same time, she wanted rummage through all of those other boxes that she had forced closed all these years; spread them out before this woman and see if she could shed some light and shared understanding on those too.

Her fingers mindlessly cut into the seat beneath her; like she was gripping on desperately to remain in this terrifyingly clear moment, or preparing herself to flee from it - she genuinely wasn't sure which. There was a part of her that couldn't deny that she truly did feel better - somewhat amazed in fact - along with some other emotion that she couldn't quite place; but had she really just shared such a huge portion of her personal history with someone whom she would have to work with on a daily basis? Did it really even make it better that this woman seemed to be wholly akin to her in ways that were astounding?

With some kind of blind hope to find that answer - or any clarity for the multitude of emotions that she was so suddenly feeling right now - she asked a question that referred back to where she had cut Kate off. "And now?"

Kate met Emily's gaze fully once again, knowing exactly what the older woman was referring to, and narrowed her eyes a little before she spoke. "Now I'm trapped in this reality where nothing feels right and yet at the same time everything feels exactly how it's supposed to be."

And there it was; the consolation to this whole unexpected moment, the understanding behind the things that she had blindly divulged, the justification behind her even being here at all. Something told her that her decision to leave really had been the right one; beyond what she was now almost certain was understandable logic behind JJ's actions, beyond what could have been.. This was where she was supposed to be in this very moment, and the soft, empathetic smile tugging at the younger woman's lips that seemed in some inexplicable way to mirror the position that she herself found herself in; told her that for right now, she really, actually, didn't want to be anywhere else.

**CM-CM-CM**

It was funny how it had shifted. When this journey began, JJ had had nothing but adrenaline coursing through her veins; an almost excitement and an impenetrable bravery that only gave way to some minute trepidation and instead was mostly fuelled by the fruits that would result from what she was about to do. But with every mile that she inched closer to her destination, to her past, to everything that was holding her back, she began to wonder if those 'fruits' were even worth the labour at all. She felt wholly like she was about to visit the dentist to have a cavity filled; she knew that she would feel better once it was over, but that didn't change the fact that she was nervous as hell. And, of course, her dentist was a butcher – what if it wasn't any better once it was over? What if it was, actually, ten times worse once it was over?

"You okay, sugarplum?"

Her friend's concerned voice snapped her briefly from her daydream as their journey wove into streets that she remembered from when she was a child, a young girl, a teenager facing typical adolescent issues with the added problem of trying to pretend to be something that she wasn't. They drove by the magazine store where her friend had once caught her sneaking peeks at Playboy and told the whole class the following day at school; they drove by the field where she used to play soccer and dread the showers and the consequential jokes that came after the game; and they drove by the long winding road that lead to the secluded spot where, on the back seat of Billy Jenson's car, she had put a skin-crawling end to the sneering of her peers, to the jokes made at her expense and the cruel taunting that only teenagers could so unapologetically give. "Yeah, I'm.. fine."

They drove by the high school where she had then spent the remainder of her years there on the arm of the popular jock, and her heart in some place far, far away where she could pretend that it wasn't longing for the cheerleader dating his best friend; but free of the ridicule that she had been mercilessly forced to endure before she had made that compromise.

They drove by the diner where she had worked her final summer in that small town and dreamt of the day when she could finally be herself - _this_ day – a day that she had imagined to be far more positive than the gut-wrenching fear that she currently felt coursing through every inch of her.

They drove by the church that she had attended every Sunday for eighteen years; the church that her parents had attended every weekend of their life; the church that was supposed to be a symbol of love, hope, faith but that she couldn't help but look upon with hatred in her chest right now for all the years of silent torture that it had caused her.

And then they arrived at the house. The house where she had had a happy childhood, but the worst teenage years. The house where she had smiled with glee on Christmas morning as she opened her gifts, and cried with defeat on that same day several years later when she realised that the only thing that she wished to open that morning was the gift of acceptance for something that she still didn't fully understand. The house that held loving parents – loving parents so blinded by a force so much stronger than their love that it would lead them to forget that it was ever supposed to be unconditional in the first place.

"You ready for this?" Garcia spoke, trying to hide the nervousness in her own eyes that she felt for her friend.

"Nope." JJ shifted upright in her seat as Garcia killed the engine. "But it's time."

The front door to the house had opened even before the engine had died, revealing a woman who was JJ's double, only with extra years subtly wrinkling her features and adding a few grey wisps to her golden tresses; and JJ barely had a moment to place her emotions back into a box at the back of her mind and put on the excited smile that she knew was expected of her before her mother came running over.

"Mom!" She grinned as she stepped out of the car and fell into the older woman's embrace.

"Oh, sweetie." The older woman cooed as she hugged her daughter, gripping on tight in a way that only mothers and grandmothers ever seem to; why was it that they seemed like they had their own secret type of hug? One that JJ was very ready to be out of..

"Mom, I.. I can't breathe.." The blonde laughed softly as her mother made her apologies and released her. Looking to Garcia who had climbed out of the car and was currently staring at them both with a, "this is what you were concerned about?" look on her face; JJ introduced the two women. "Garcia, this is my mom, Sandy. Mom this is Garcia. I mean, Penelope."

"It's wonderful to meet you, Penelope." Sandy smiled and pulled a surprised Garcia into an embrace; unknowingly causing the bubbly woman to question JJ's fears once again. "Now.." She stated when she pulled back. "Where is that beautiful grandson of mine? And William.." She looked behind the two women to the car expectantly. "Is he in the car?"

"No, mom, he's.." JJ chewed the inside of her lip, tasting blood from the pressure almost instantly. "He, um.. He went to visit _his_ mom in New Orleans. He took Henry with him."

"Ohh.." Sandy drawled sadly. "Oh, well that's a shame. Ya know, you guys don't visit often enough." She added as she turned for the house; her daughter and friend in tow.

"I know, Mom." JJ looked to Garcia. "I will bring him out to see you soon." _If you haven't disowned me by then.._

"Tom?" Sandy bypassed her daughter's words and called for her husband as soon as they entered the house. "Tom?" She called again. "Jennifer's here, and she brought a friend. So if you can tear yourself away from the game and come say hello, that would be wonderful."

With that, a tall gentleman with greying hair that had once been jet-black emerged from the lounge to their left; a warm smile playing at his lips as he spoke, clearly genuinely pleased to see the blonde. "Jennifer.." He reached out his arms for his step-daughter who willingly nestled herself into them, gripping on like she hadn't seen him in years.

He may have been her step-father, but given that her biological father had died when she was very young, he was the only real paternal figure that she had known growing up – plus he was far less judgmental than her mother and that, in this very moment, was something that filled her chest with such an overwhelming sense of safety. "Hey, dad."

Garcia watched on quietly with a soft wrinkle in her brow, still very genuinely confused as to why JJ had been so concerned. This image wasn't one of a family devoid of understanding and reason; it was one of unconditional love and warmth – something that she envied the blonde for not only having, but apparently not appreciating it either.

"And who might this be?" JJ's stepfather questioned as their embrace ended and looked towards Garcia with a polite smile.

"Oh this is Penelope Garcia, dad. I work with her at the Bureau."

"It's wonderful to meet you, Miss Garcia." His eyes narrowed slightly as his memory jogged. "Come to think of it, I think our Jennifer has mentioned you before. Are you the one who has an affection for unicorns and once did such a wonderful job at hacking into the FBI database that they hired you?"

"Guilty as charged." Garcia replied, somewhat proud – very proud, actually – before whispering. "Though, the unicorn thing is supposed to be a secret."

Tom chuckled softly. "Well I promise your secret is safe with me, Miss Garcia."

"Call me Penny, sir." Garcia smiled before casting a look to JJ that clearly depicted, "Seriously, what the _hell_ was your problem?"

But she didn't know. She didn't know the truth behind those smiles and the rejection behind that warmth. She didn't know, but she certainly would before that weekend was out.


End file.
